defiant older teen (shocker I know!)

[edie25]

Hello, would appreciate some advice please. My 17 year old stepdaughter lives with us and is now at an age where going to the pub has become a regular feature of life. She is pushing back on things like curfews (none are unreasonable, 11ish in the week and midnight at weekends in context of the pubs closing at 10), all of which is completely normal and part of growing up. We have no friends with teens and this is all quite new to us!

She has now decided that she is grown up, needs no boundaries and is going to do whatever she pleases tvm. Obviously this year has been very disruptive and difficult for us all, we have been cooped up together and she hasn't had as much social freedom as either she, or we, would have liked. With her education so disrupted she is doing what she needs to get through but spends most of her week lying in bed, contributes the bare minimum in the house and does the bare minimum in terms of work to get enough money to go to the pub with mates.

The issues are that, every time she goes out, she comes back drunk and defiant/argumentative and there's a row. If her father tries to challenge anything, her attitude is that she is nearly 18 and will do what she likes. My problem is that everything is take, and yes, 18 gives you more freedom which is great, but it also means taking more responsibility and being considerate of others. This is our home so is it unreasonable for us to set the boundaries for behaviour to live here?

I'm genuinely worried that she is going to turnout like her mother who is entirely self centred and irresponsible, and they have quite a few behaviours in common. On the whole I think she's a good kid and we genuinely don't give her much to rebel against, but from a happy household point of view, this screw you attitude isn't going to work for either of us. I have a stressful job and anxiety and so a peaceful, happy home is improtant for me, the thought of a couple of years of this tension and rowing is really worrying. We want her to have more freedom but the current pandemic is curtailng all of that and we find ourselves in a bit of a pressure cooker. Please share the benefits of your experience!

It does sound really difficult. My eldest is a little younger and we haven't experienced anything like this, you have my sympathy.

When she's saying that she's almost 18 and can do what she likes, we do calmly try to stress that a lot of adulting includes things like paying bills, cleaning toilets, talking reasonably to people and cleaning up after yourself and if you want to be treated in a more adult way, these things come with it.

Thanks @jiltedjohnsjulie (great username BTW)

We had a calmer conversation a couple of days later in which I explained the impact her behaviour was having and she's been better in the few days since. I still don't think I can cope with this for another couple of years but maybe in the spring, once the vaccination programme kicks in she can be out a lot more and it will be less of an issue. Here's hoping!

IME a better approach is to try sitting down together the three of you and have an adult-type conversation. You have an issue that needs to be resolved. If she disagrees with your boundaries, ask what she proposes instead - and listen to her. Tell her how you feel. See if you can agree a compromise. She is more likely to stick to it if she feels part of the decision.

Being an adult doesn't mean doing whatever you like. It means taking responsibility for your actions. None of us would be able to have friendships relationships, hold down jobs and so forth if we only just did what we pleased.

@MrsAudreyShapiro

IME a better approach is to try sitting down together the three of you and have an adult-type conversation. You have an issue that needs to be resolved. If she disagrees with your boundaries, ask what she proposes instead - and listen to her. Tell her how you feel. See if you can agree a compromise. She is more likely to stick to it if she feels part of the decision.

Being an adult doesn't mean doing whatever you like. It means taking responsibility for your actions. None of us would be able to have friendships relationships, hold down jobs and so forth if we only just did what we pleased.

Yes thanks, this is exactly what happened a couple of days later as I said. She is definitely confusing becoming an adult with behaving without consideration for others. It's just tricky when she isn't my daughter but I'm still providing for her. Bring on the vaccine and more freedom! 😊

Where is she going? We’re in Tier 3. Hospitality closed and no mixing.

Whereabouts are you?

I can relate. My stepson lived with my DH and I from the age of 15 and had just moved into his own place at the age of 19. Earlier than I would have expected, but I’m glad he did.
He was going out and sometimes not coming home, spending all his time in his room and never did his chores.
When he was 17, we had a curfew in place and if he missed it, he was grounded, or if he failed to do his few, meagre chores, he couldn’t go out until they were done.
I was doing the majority of parenting, though, as well as juggling my son (now 4), so I didn’t follow through as much as I needed to.
My advice would be to have a follow up with her now you’ve had this conversation to check in, whether it’s praise for her following through with the household rules, or reminders if she’s not following through.
With SS, we asked him to help set his own rules (he told us what he would be to help around the house. What responsibilities he had, such as paying rent, tidying his room etc). We also used WhatsApp to send the rules and get SS to confirm he agrees to them, so that we had black and white evidence to refer to. If he didn’t pull his weight, or behaved badly, we’d point out that he was going back on his word. Teens are very idealistic, so hate to be wrong, or seen to be doing the wrong thing.
Good luck!

@NRE20

I can relate. My stepson lived with my DH and I from the age of 15 and had just moved into his own place at the age of 19. Earlier than I would have expected, but I’m glad he did. He was going out and sometimes not coming home, spending all his time in his room and never did his chores. When he was 17, we had a curfew in place and if he missed it, he was grounded, or if he failed to do his few, meagre chores, he couldn’t go out until they were done. I was doing the majority of parenting, though, as well as juggling my son (now 4), so I didn’t follow through as much as I needed to. My advice would be to have a follow up with her now you’ve had this conversation to check in, whether it’s praise for her following through with the household rules, or reminders if she’s not following through. With SS, we asked him to help set his own rules (he told us what he would be to help around the house. What responsibilities he had, such as paying rent, tidying his room etc). We also used WhatsApp to send the rules and get SS to confirm he agrees to them, so that we had black and white evidence to refer to. If he didn’t pull his weight, or behaved badly, we’d point out that he was going back on his word. Teens are very idealistic, so hate to be wrong, or seen to be doing the wrong thing. Good luck!

I think your point about not wanting to be "in the wrong" is absolutely spot on. She hates being caught out, especially in the moment, so nagging her on t he spot doesn't work, but speaking to her afterwards is usually better. My perception is that things have been a little better since the chat but with life so restricted it's hard to know. I like your suggestion of following up and will definitely take it on board.

I'm realistic and know there will be issues down the line at some point, big and small. We all screw up. I know its selfish but I liked my little life before a full time teenager landed in the middle of it! Coming on here to vent a little has helped to thanks for letting me moan 😂

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Where is she going? We’re in Tier 3. Hospitality closed and no mixing.

Whereabouts are you?

Very limited mixing for us too!

Moan away! I’ve lost count of the times I needed to rant and not watch my language, or what I was saying about SS’s behaviour, so that I could get it out of my system, to be able to have a calmer, more controlled conversation!
It’s tough with teens becoming adults whilst still mostly in full time education, because they aren’t having to earn the lifestyle they’re living, but legally they’re allowed to do what they want. It’s hard to instil a sense of responsibility and the consequences of not living up to them, when teens are still very much being supported financially and are dependants.
Also a tough choice to either let them make their own mistakes and worrying that they’ll become a headline if something bad happens, while they were off enjoying their new found freedoms, or being strict and risk them cutting the ties as soon as they can.