What age should you stop checking your teenager's phone?

[HoxtonBonnet]

Ds is about to turn 15. His phone has broken - I think. there is something weird going on and he won't let me have it to take it to the repair shop today. I also want to check it.

He says I am invading his privacy and no other mums do it at this age.

Ds has previous form for buying weed.

Any advice on what to do? TIA

If you don't trust him then why did you give him the phone?

I don’t think there’s a set age as such I think it depends on the specific child.

I’d be checking if he’s using it for illegal activities (buying weed) - in fact, I’d fund a brick, no smart phone if he needed a phone eg long journey to school and I’d be checking it regularly.

However, that would only be a false sense of security because if he wants weed he will find a way to get it and some one of his mates will have an old phone they can lend him if he wants one.

Talk to him and try to find out what’s going on.

I don't check my 15 yo, probably haven't since he was 13?
But then I have no reason to suggest anything other than normal teenage boy stuff
If I thought he was buying drugs it might be different

Getting a brick phone and stopping his money are the only things I can think of. I am worried that he will get or already has got a phone from a friend. I am worried that he will find shady ways of getting money if we stop his funds.

He is six feet tall. When I try and put my foot down, he just laughs at me and walks out of the house.

Previously we had a very good, loving relationship. I am scared that if if the good will breaks down completely he will end up becoming even wilder. How far do I push this?

He works hard at school and does well.

I know I sound weak - I probably am. I don't have a clue how to deal with this.

My DS's are 14 & 16, I haven't checked their phones for years - to be fair I never did. We have always had an open policy in our house we all know each other's PINs (except DH as he can't remember his own let alone the 8 digit one of the 14 year old!)

However they have never bought weed and so to my mind that negates any trust I would have in them and they know this.

If possible you need a proper sit down talk, although if my two are anything to go by I may as well talk to the cat!

It's a strange age, hotbed of emotions and hormones but whilst he's under your roof, your rules. Again I know how hard this is, eldest DS towers over me and i find the best time to talk is at mealtimes, he can't move as he's eating.

I seriously think teenagers are worse than toddlers!

@OooErrThor thank you for your kind post - I need a bit of a hand hold at the moment!

I will read all comments and advice and am very grateful for them. I have to go to work now - will be back later.

I would install MSpy and would also report my son to the police, if I knew he was smoking weed.

Smoking weed is truly if zero interest to the police. It is decriminalised effectively for individuals. Police really won't care.

Re the phone I think there is a generation gap. You think if it as a device. For him it's a diary.. Its literally oart of his mind. In his WhatsApp or however he chats there are all his completely private teenage thoughts and conversations.

I do think by 15 it's incredibly intrusive. At 15 would. You have wanted your mum reading letters you wrote to friends or listening in on all your conversations.

I'm 43 and even when I was 15 donkeys years ago everyone I knew smoked a bit of weed to some extent. Some people ended up abusing it as some people I grew up with ended up abusing alcohol. Most people gave it up as they grew up. I know a few people who still smoke recreational as 40 somethings. They wld argue its like having a glass of wine. As it is in some countries. So I think if that is your only concern you maybe need to not sweat the small stuff.

Isn't it better to keep your relationship on a more even keel?

I’d say prioritise peace and a good relationship over the snooping. Show him you trust him and give him the money to get it fixed.

If he’s going to dabble with weed he will anyway and you’ll see the signs - at which point you could take his privileges away.

He’s got porn on there, give the poor boy some privacy it’s like reading his diary.if he is buying weed he will use snap chat and you won’t be able to read it. He’s right.sorry.

@SomelikeitHoth

I would install MSpy and would also report my son to the police, if I knew he was smoking weed.

Oh give over

You don't need to check his phone messages to work on the weed problem. Even if he didn't have a phone he could speak to friends to get weed, you can't record his every interaction.

Thanks everyone for the comments.

I have had a conversation with DH who told me that he was more worried about my relationship with DS disintegrating than anything he was getting up to.

I have also been thinking about my own relationship with my dad, who died when I was 22. He was incredibly disapproving and judgemental of my shambolic teenage years - to the point where it felt like he actually thought I was a bad person. The thing is, nothing he said or did ever made any difference - I always found a way do to what I was going to do; I made my mistakes and it was my choice. I never felt like my dad's love was unconditional and I don't want my son to feel like that.

I won't be checking his phone and I need to steel my nerve and let him do his own thing a bit - while trying to keep some boundaries in place. He is a determined individual and if I fight him too much our relationship will be ruined.