NC. This is very long for background - please don't read if that bothers you. The last paragraph relates to the subject question.
I have a DS16, my first DC to reach this stage. Right from when he was born, our relationship was very close and loving. He is a bright boy and always had lots of interests and hobbies. He was so kind, caring, sensitive, sensible, moral, sociable and fun. He was lovely with the other DC. I could always trust him to do the right thing or to be completely honest if he had made any mistakes. His prospects looking forward for university, work and life looked good. He mentioned his possible hope for a serious relationship and marriage one day alongside his family life with us, but that was once he had settled into a career, after his mid 20s at the earliest. In a nutshell, his early to mid childhood were happy on the whole and without any major problems.
And then the teenage years hit. It seems like everything has changed. The last couple of years have been really tough - both for him and, as a result, for me as his mum. The boy I describe above seems to have largely gone. I see glimpses of him, which gives me hope but is upsetting at the same time. There is a lot of anger, mood swings, lies and that part is awful to have in my own home. I can no longer trust him. In the last year, to my knowledge, he has made at least 3 quite major and deeply worrying and disappointing mistakes. I thought that he had been brought up better than this. I can't talk to anyone about it because I feel embarrassed and ashamed, both by his behaviour - this new version of my child - and by the loss of our previously very good relationship and family life. Some people must know, however and have drifted away. He has also disclosed some concerns around his mental health, which can only be contributing to his behaviour and which, underneath, make him incredibly vulnerable. I love him dearly and I am still here standing by him, trying my best to help and guide him - to parent him - in these far more challenging times. We have had some crisis situations. A lot of the time he seems to blame me, hate me, and to have lost the love, liking, care, gratitude and respect he once had for me. I am devastated, for him, the family and for me. My only hope was that with help and time, particularly getting through the teenage stage which is not being kind, he would be ok and we would be ok. I have to admit that, at the moment, I am not ok.
We had agreed that, given recent events, the best way forward was for us to concentrate on his education - he has just started A' Levels at school after not meeting his potential in most of his GCSEs - and on trying to improve how he is feeling and behaving and our relationship. He had said himself that a girlfriend was not a good idea just yet, with all this going on, and that he intended to wait.
But into the mix, throw a girlfriend. Having only just met her at the start of term, it is now full on. They see each other every day at school in most lessons, spend free periods together, then with calls, texts, facetime and on social media outside school, plus exchanging letters and gifts. They have only met outside school and in a relatively public place twice, to my knowledge, because of logistics and the virus. Although he makes her and her family sound nice, and they may well be, in reality we actually know very little about them after such a short time and as they are not local. He has not met her parents, just seen one in passing.
I wish he had waited a little while until things were hopefully better, but it is not really him having a girlfriend that worries me. It is how obsessed he is - they are? - and straight away. From the start he has described her as 'perfect', he is highly protective of anything to do with her, and he is already rushing to confide his innermost upset, feelings and secrets to her. I have counselled caution, but he sees her as the answer to all his problems, an escape from them, and by far the most positive thing in his life. He is highly vulnerable, as previously mentioned, and I really fear for him if she breaches his confidences or the relationship breaks down. I feel like my family life and business is no longer my own or private and I worry about gossip. I also worry about the virus because we have a vulnerable family member and have been very careful since March, but she and her extended family are mixing. For her part, it seems she is also completely smitten and is 'lovebombing' him with words, hugs and gifts. She has told him he would be welcome at Christmas and her parents would be happy for him to stay over whenever he wants. She has already had a fairly long term relationship but this is his first. They are still at school. I don't think he is in the best place emotionally to enter into a relationship, let alone an intense and serious one. I don't know her, haven't met her or her family, he is my priority of course but I am concerned for her too.
What made me finally start this thread about my overall concerns, is the realisation that they are already incredibly serious and have decided on a future together - marriage, children, a home. This is not immediate but by 21/22, 'if we don't elope first'. I remember really intense emotions for people at this age, but never to that extent. How usual is this, at 16 and after less than 3 months together? What, if anything, can or should I do? Kind, experienced opinions very welcome. Thank you for reading.