DD 13 - TikTok profile pic

[AuntieBulgaria]

DD has a TikTok account. It's private and I'm connected to her. I've added the recent parental link controls so at the moment I'm happy for her to use it to do dances with her friends and post videos of sunsets and skateboarding.

Her very recent profile picture though....
She's wearing more make up than I've ever seen her wear before, she's winking and though her shoulders are covered by her long hair, so there could be some straps there, she appears to be topless. (You can only see the tops of her shoulders.) She looks about 16. I'm sad that she thinks this is a good idea.

My first reaction on noticing it was to want to steam in there and request that she change it.

My second reaction was to wonder if there is a better way to have this conversation with her, so she takes the decision herself but I don't know quite what that would look like. Any suggestions please?

I'm not sure how I would handle this either and I have a DD the same age.

Okay so yes deep breath think about a reaction.

It is actually okay for teenagers to experiment with their image/ looks, it is also okay for them to experiment with being sexually attractive to others (within their age group) that is normal.

So is she in Year 8/9? Remember the year 9 also includes kids that are nearly a year older so will be older in their experimentation with looks and sexuality. What you want is her to be doing this safely.

Taking something from feminist chat what she needs is a strong shark cage so she needs to understand that there is people who will want to do her harm.

So I would work on boundaries with her and recognising red flags. Around this I would also be making sure she knows that once an image is out there on the internet or sent to someone she has no control over it.

What you don't want to do is bring shame into it her body is not something to be ashamed about, however she is a child and appearing topless in a photograph that can be accessed by the public isn't a sensible idea.

Can you calmly talk to her and explain that there are people who will see the picture and target her because of it....not even sure if that's the right way!

I hate being a parent at times it's a minefield 🤣

Just had another thought I would be discussing with her how easy it is to be sucked into getting a boost from posting selfies on social media but its false.

I would be really practicing things to boost self confidence like physical activity. And work on modelling behaviours of self compassion and self love.

All of which sound simple but are harder to do!

Luckily my DD doesn't do Tik tok and the middle one who wanted it I have said no as has ASD so can be fairly naive. So I don't know if it's private who can see her picture if its only known friends I would say the picture is safe to stay up as it is giving her the ability to experiment in a safe space, although I would still discuss with her how she appears topless.

She's in Year 8 but old in the school year.

It's a really good shout about the image being out there - even though her account is private, my husband just created a new account and her profile picture does come up when you search for her.

She does consider herself a feminist, so I will have a think about the shark tank angle!

Thank you very much for such a thoughtful response.

That turned out to be easier than I expected actually.

I don't think I was expecting her to argue with me but I just said 'oh I noticed your profile picture - you look very beautiful but also it looks like you haven't got a top on - did you know that anyone can see that image when they search' and she just said 'shall I change it?'

She's now got a picture of a Panasonic tv for some reason!

I love the way you framed it OP

"you look beautiful" as the leader, it's kind.
I'm dreading these days, I've about two years to go. But all I can think is "don't be like your mum was"

But thanks to a PP i can think of the shark tank!

Brilliantly handled - you led her to the conclusion it needed to be changed by your very kind observation.

I’m going to bookmark that for future use - parenting pre-teens is a minefield!

I have a 12 yr old but in yr 8 (youngest in the year) - sounds like you handled it perfectly, saving this response for future use!!

Brilliant news OP love it when things are easy.