How to help a teen in crisis (mental health) who's not my child?

[FusionChefGeoff]

I was very close to a family for 15 years.

Mum and Dad split up which caused Dad to spiral into mental health crisis after crisis eventally ending up in his death due to alcoholism after a terrifyingly short but drastic decline which was obviously horrendous. Kids were 14 and 11 at the time and there's no other family apart from 2 uncles (on Mum's side) who have been less than useless the whole time.

During his decline and death, I accepted my own creeping alcoholism and am now 7 years sober. Mum continues to drink, probably has her own mental health issues and I've had to detach, with love, for the sake of my own sobriety.

The eldest DC is incredible, got herself to Uni and is doing really well. I have stayed in touch on messenger and told her that I am in recovery and will always help her mum if she ever asked.

Youngest DC turns 18 in a couple of weeks and is the opposite.

He's had limited parental input since Dad died basically and although still attending college is telling his sister that he's stopped eating (too scared?), isn't looking forward to life, doesn't want to get any older and that he hates his college course and doesn't want to do it anymore. He's got no money on his college card so isn't eating there and eldest DC says Mum won't put an effort in to get food in to eat so there's limited options at home.

After the DD's last message to me where she directly asked for my help, I now have to try to do something and I am clueless as to what my next steps are and what I can expect?

I'm thinking his college could be my first stop - so trying to find their safeguarding lead and telling them everything I know and hoping that they are aware and supporting?

Me and his sister will also try to push to get him a GPs appointment.

I will try to connect directly with him so have asked his sister if he would speak to me or meet for a walk.

DH and I would have him to live here in a heartbeat if he wanted to and Mum would consider it. We are closer to his college and have the room. Although I admit I am probably very naieve about what that could entail.

Can anyone give me any advice on how I can best try to support him whillst he is in this toxic environment and I'm not sure he will even talk to me?

It sounds like you are doing everything right already. Contacting his college sounds good and being there for him. I think counselling would be good too but knowing you are there for him , through choice not blood, will do wonders for him. You sound amazing.

That is such a terrible situation fir all of you. Have you managed to make contact with him yet?

Thank you that's given me a boost of confidence to message him and he's replied!! He's saying that he's fine and doesn't need any help but I think that's the classic behaviour of trying to hide his mum's alcoholism and it being a shameful secret. Plus he would rather hide / run away from his own mental health issues - just wants them to go away (understandably) and doesn't have the strength or support to face them.

I'm so stuck for how to help this poor lad but I can't just ignore him anymore now his sister has asked for help.

I'm going to try his college tomorrow and will probably have to talk to his mum even though I'm sure she'll shut the whole thing down too

If anyone has had any experience of this maybe with friends of their DC I'd love to hear how you went about helping?

I'd ask him if he wanted to stay over for a night a week or something similar. Start small.

That's a good idea plus it could sound like a purely practical solution as we're closer so might be less frightening to him.

I've said I'm going to be in his area on the weekend and would be like to meet me at the house or at a local park. Hoping the 'toddler choice' might guide him into seeing me

toddler choice

Let's hope he does meet up. At least you are making an effort for him

You do sound amazing and so kind. How tough for this lad. I agree with the others - I would start small. Maybe invite him over for a pasta supper or a pizza one evening for old times sake. Maybe with no agenda other than to get some nice homemade food in him and chat about very general stuff , gaming, sport, old stories from your life, music, covid, Trump !! Nothing heavy but ensure food is tasty and atmosphere nice and warm and welcoming. This may start to form a regular weekly or fortnightly event so he starts to build bonds with you again without feeling your prying. Keep an eye on what he eats, make his favourite meals, perhaps give him extra portions to take home. Unless you feel he’s in absolute crisis and is threatening to harm himself this weekly anchor to you could be a great tentative start. I would ignore Covid regs in this instance if you’re really worried about him. Walk and some food outside is also a great alternative tho.
Good luck and hope you can start to build small bonds and hopefully he will turn to you and confide or move in with you at a later date.

He's refusing to meet me, refusing to go to GP and also stopped going to college I am really really worried about him.

I have a lovely friend who is a MH nurse so she's talked me through the options and has stressed that the above behaviour / background would raise massive flags if reported to her team and basically health professionals have a duty to get to the bottom of this.

So his sister is booking him a GP appointment with all the background when she speaks to them. If he won't take the call then GP should arrange a house visit. If that's unsuccessful then they should escalate to crisis team for house visit. If still no luck then police and a mental health assessment. Sounds drastic but at this stage I genuinely think it's this or I'll be getting another heartbreaking call from his mum in the early hours somewhere down the line.

I'm also reporting to our local multi agency online hub and will keep messaging him occasionally so the channel is there if he wants to talk

I think the mum needs support too here. Have you not considered talking to her snd asking how you can help instead of thinking about taking her child from her and possibly sending her down the same slippery road?

OP you sound like a very caring friend. I think anything you try has a risk of unintended adverse consequences so my overall advice would be to talk through each step with someone. To do nothing doesn't seem reasonable so proceed with caution knowing that the outcome may or may not be as you might hope. At least you will know you tried your best. Good luck

I have offered Mum support for years but she's not ready unfortunately.

I've offered to take her to AA meetings and been told no thanks I'm fine on many many occasions.

I've asked the sister to try one last time with Mum to express how worried she is and tell her that she's going to get GP involved so that it's not a complete surprise.

I will then also try to contact Mum again to say that I'm going to try to help - but to be honest she's very very far down that slippery slope already. She probably will hate me / think I'm interfering / minimise frantically but I'm past caring and just need to focus on her son for now as he needs an adult to help him.

He may be eligible for free meals at college / help with bus fares - student services can advise you on that. They will have a student counselor at college available who can help him if he goes to them.

As far as the rest - the problem is once he is 18 yrs old he is classed as an adult. The situation for them both could change drastically financially.

His Mum may be relying on benefits related to his age which may stop once he's 18 which could be stressing him out.

I would personally have a chat with her and college, and see how the land lies, and invite him over for pizza and a chat. Try and find out from his sis if he smokes weed, sounds like he might be to me.

I've spoken to college but they can't tell me anything as I'm not next of kin and according to his sister he's not going anymore. She also has just told me that she 'can't pinpoint a time when Mum hasn't been drinking wine in the morning' so I really don't think Mum will be able to give a straight answer as to what's going on. She'll be too busy trying to hide her own problems for the fear that otherwise someone will try to make her stop drinking. She has a huge history of massively minimising this behaviour from her son and it's so upsetting that she's ignored it to this extent that he's suicidal and no one even knows.

Thank you so much for all you advice.

I am terrified that any action will scare him so much he might actually take action towards suicide but I just don't know what other options I have.

He will not engage with me or anyone really. He's replying to texts from sister but not willing to go out or meet anyone

If he's talking to his sister he is engaging with her at least. I understand she's very worried about him, and I think you need to keep talking to her and find out what she thinks could help him.

Tbh I think people naively think that there's all this help out there and all you have to do is ask but that's simply not true. He may have experience of this himself as many kids that age are really cynical (rightly so in many cases) about what can actually be done to help them.

I worked with this age group and many of them are in this situation and there is little outside agencies can do once they're over 18. A lot of them are malnourished and have parents with alcohol / drug issues. Actually 16-18 year olds don't fare much better. It's very sad.

It's often left to family and friends to deal with - does he have any friends? Can you just deal with the food issue with his Mum for now? Maybe offer to get a food delivery in for them.

Maybe ask him to help you with something at yours (tech related is always a good one) - as my boss used to say at that age they need a mission. When he's there try and open up about your own past problems and see if he bites and talks about his Mum. I find that if I open up about myself then they are more likely to talk if it's in a casual setting where there are no consequences or unwanted advice etc.

I've been in touch with one of the uncles who was brilliant and headed over there this afternoon. He's been brief in his message back but agrees that Mum needs serious help and he is trying to get the DS out of the situation but he says he's fine so won't leave yet. Uncle agrees he's clearly not fine so is going back tomorrow to try to get him out of there.

Apparently Mum has moved in a 'lodger' who is overstaying his welcome too so Uncle is on the case to try to get him to leave too.

Blimey, it's all just sounding so sordid - I can just imagine that Mum has installed a drinking buddy as the lodger and poor DS is terrified to come out of his room even if he wanted to as he's never sure what or who he might find.

I just hope that overnight he can come round to the idea of leaving as I'm so worried he will have absolutely no chance if he stays there.

Fuck me that poor boy what a horrific life and how awful that he's been forgotten about for so long. I wish I'd known how bad it had got. This fucking disease is so evil and takes down so many more people than just the one who's drinking.

How is everything? How is the boy? Did the uncle manage to move the lodger and help his nephew?
I’ve been thinking about him and your situation so much. It’s so sad. You’re doing amazing. Perhaps continuing to support and be there for the sister is the most important thing you can do. She will need help as she supports her brother. Your role is so important xx