Toxic, violent relationship.

[chaoskitty]

I'd love some advice about my almost 15 year old trans son.

He's in Y10 and since starting high school has been in a friendship/relationship with another trans boy.
The other boy 'T' is a very troubled child from what I've been told. He didn't go to the same primary school as my son but parents of kids who did say he was always a kid to have emotional, hysterical, violent outbursts.
My son is pretty laid back although struggling with anxiety and health issues this year.
I've seen signs of typical, teenage infatuation between them.
Love letters hidden (not very well) in the bin etc.
'T' has been violent to my son on several occasions in the past and my son after initially being upset and angry will calm down, forgive and go straight back into the relationship.
Recently after T was hysterical and violent in school my son retaliated, a lot.
The headteacher phoned me and we discussed this very volatile relationship.
They've found a counsellor for my son who specialises in violent relationships and she made contact this week and will continue to do so weekly.
I finally had reason (school told me about the incident before my son could play it down) to ban T from my house and tell my son they can no longer contact each other.
I am aware that they have secretly been messaging though and I know they are in the same classes and friendship group at school so they socialise together at school.

My son has a lot of issues with sensory overload, feelings of being overwhelmed and for a long time my (ex) husband and I have considered he may be autistic or on the spectrum.
We have a referral to HYMs/CAHMs early next month.

In the meantime I am struggling to help my son see this friendship/relationship is destructive.
He makes all the right noises and agrees with me when we discuss it but it's obvious that he's totally infatuated with T and constantly struggles with T playing head games (excluding my son on purpose in favour of other friends etc).

I'm scared if I don't support my son through each bust up with T he will stop confiding in me but I'm just repeating myself and going around in circles.

We communicate so well about most things (I am a trained counsellor but haven't worked in the field for over 20 years) but this situation is where he's potentially going to get more and more secretive and I don't know how to change that.

Any input please?

Sounds like his dad is still involved? Can he help? Sounds very distressing though.
Yes keep supporting and loving him, show him he's worth more than this.

His dad moved out 7 years ago and has his son every other weekend.
However, they have too much of a mates relationship and if they aren't gaming or play fighting they are arguing.
His dad is very complex, possibly ocd, high levels of anxiety and possibly also on the spectrum.

Ah, OK. Tricky. Push for all the support that exists is all I can think!

Thank you.
Hopefully there is more support out there.
I'd rather like some myself!
Being a single mum to an only child sometimes mean we are wrapped up in each other's worlds such a lot. Even though we get on wonderfully well it's hard to carry the weight of both of our problems.

I'm single mum to two and get what you mean, can see in some ways more entwined in yr situation. Others can't understand this.