DD 15 bad behaviour at home/quiet at school

[GooseberryTart]

The worst thing DD15’s teachers say about her is that she is too quiet in class (this is a common theme) no behavioural issues, 100 per cent attendance and almost always does her homework on time. But at home I get both barrels.

I know she is stressed and frustrated about Covid and GCSE’s (we are in England), she is very cold at school (all windows open and the school have said they can’t wear coats) and probably hangry as all she will take to school is a bag of vinegar crisps for lunch.

But if she can manage to behave ok at school could she have undiagnosed autism or something else behaviour wise which may affect the extreme way she behaves at home (shouty, sweary, vile, bedroom is filthy crockery half eaten food abandoned amongst wet towels and dirty underwear, disrespectful, never apologises, over reacts, aggressive, doesn’t listen, calls me by my christian name and uses some sort of street talk like ‘don’t come at me’ and ‘back off’ etc etc).

One of my DC had a private ASD assessment (by a psychiatrist who also works in NHS) for less than £3k. PM me if you'd like the details, OP.

In terms of food she did go through a stage of eating beans on toast every or most days for awhile. But no now when I am doing a shopping list and ask her to help me pick two or three meals she would like to eat she goes ballistic and says she doesn’t like to think that far ahead and how is she meant to know etc. Changes don’t seem to phase her or at least she doesn’t vocalise it. But I found when she was younger if I wanted her to clean her teeth, brush her hair and bring school bag down. If I said teeth, hair, bag calmly and slowly. I could hear her repeating it going upstairs and she would remember to do it.

I get that all the time!

How was she as a child? Did she cope with transitions easily? Was she often difficult or awkward for no real reason?

Extremely easy as a young child she was a dream, lovely, adorable, very cuddly, funny and very girly (loved pink and purple, bright colours and pretty dresses until she was 9-10).

When she was in about year 5 and some of the other girls started vying for position. She didn’t even enter the competition (happy as herself). Around that time or just after I had a sense that she was almost on another page to 80% of her peers (she was straight forward, a but naive and a bit young for her age).
She had a nasty wake up call in year 6 when her quiet small group of primary school friends got broken up by one new prima donna with her own agenda. Half way through year 7 three new friends from primary who were inseparable turned against her a week after her birthday and a week after her grandad died. They were vile.
She formed the small group of much quieter much less mainstream friends around the end of year 9 (but she rarely sees them outside of school). She is particularly close with one of them (almost to the point of obsession and its like she has a crush on her. She goes around in old hoodies and black baggy tracksuit bottoms (occasionally skinny jeans) and no make up, and she’s fallen out with ear rings, jewellery, nail varnish etc.

She just sounds like a normal hormonal angry teen to me. Upsetting as they are.

Mine slobs round in hoodies and joggers. She’s not much interested in make up.

I could have written this word for word . She is vile to everyone including her younger brother whom she bullies and has slapped today . She has told her twin she wishes him dead and that his birth has spoiled her life .
It’s been going on a while getting worse . Obviously lockdown has made it worse and the stress of Alevels and predicted grades which were not as expected .
Her eating has got to the point where she picks a fight every meal looking forward an excuse to storm off not eating . Also says she can’t eat in front of anyone or looking at people makes her feel sick.
I feel like iv lost control and she is doing herself no favours .
How do I get help when she refuses to a knowledge she has a problem
Saying it’s all our fault . She is refusing to speak to anyone about it .
It’s having a terrible effect on her brothers as well as us

I too am really struggling with my 15 year old daughter. In fact, I’m at my wits end. I have tortured myself wondering where I went wrong and even allowed more freedom out of feeling as though it’s been my fault. I rang SS myself and begged for help. It amounted to nothing. I was told that the only way of getting support is to sign my daughter over to them. Not helpful. I went through CAMHS and they blamed it on me for moving houses and areas a couple of times when she was younger and in primary (for work reasons). We have been offered therapy but it comes with a 2 year waiting list.

My daughters behaviour is awful. She swears constantly, smashes the house up, trashes her bedroom, dosent come home on time and stays out drinking with friends and driving around in young lads cars (petrifies me). Attacks me physically, has just started smoking and I suspect is experimenting with drugs. Is (I think) sexually active and has persistent tummy problems but refuses to go to sexual health. Refuses to go to school and lies in bed all day on her phone on social media. And I have NO control over her anymore. Is nasty to her younger siblings, my 8 year old daughter is so sensitive and so happy generally but has started to change recently and I dread that she learns the behaviour. I have called the police out around 15 times during lockdown. I had her arrested for smashing windows on the house but didn’t press charges on her out of not wanting her to have a criminal record.

She had told a friend at school that she had tested positive for cancer. I’m so numb that nothing shocks me anymore. I’ve felt every ounce of disappointment and hurt and it’s been an emotional rollercoaster.

I realised things were getting too much when I found myself wishing I was not here anymore and thinking about suicide. I just couldn’t bare the thought of dealing with life anymore. I spoke to my mum and she was naturally upset to hear it. She offered to have my daughter living with her for a month or so and in the hope that she would finally snap out of it all. Unfortunately, my mum allows her to get away with everything and so she enjoys living under no rules whatsoever, but she has realised that she misses her family and her home but when she does come back every few days, it all kicks off again and the house goes from stable and peaceful, to a war zone. I’m torn between trying to do what’s best and right and thinking about the other two children.

Above all, I feel like I have completely failed as a mum, for reasons I cannot put my finger on.

We have no other family to help and I’ve pushed my friends away. Feel like a complete failure.

Hang on @GooseberryTart - does my DD (15) live with you too?
I have almost identical issues- at school fine but at home..... she is so awful / spiteful / acts as if she despises me. It is hurtful and I have been upset by this - if she sees me upset then she says I am attention seeking.
All she thinks I do is nag her but I am just repeating the same things everyday - trying to get her up for school / online lessons then she is in her room after school til dinner then back up to her room and when I go to bed I have to ask / tell her to be quiet as she keeps me awake talking on her phone.