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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to get DS15 out of his room!

19 replies

Goingdooolally · 14/11/2020 07:43

He wants to spend all his time in his room on his laptop. He’s watching Netflix, YouTube and listening to audio books. Even when he come downstairs for a snack he brings his laptop and has his headphones on. Attempts to get him to turn off are met with sighing and annoyance.

He does sport at school and is doing OK academically but could definitely work more.

He used to come out for dog walks but won’t do that anymore. Prefers to walk the dog on his own. He will meet up with friends sometimes.

He doesn’t want to watch TV with us but will occasionally but it’s hard work trying to find the right film/series that he’ll watch.

He can get really angry if you try and speak to him about any of it.

Help!

OP posts:
Changedmynameagain1 · 14/11/2020 07:49

Unfortunately he sounds very typical for his age... they do get better as they get older. DSS17 nearly 18 is better now at being more social but still spends a lot of time watching programmes / Xbox etc around college work.

MaidenMotherCrone · 14/11/2020 07:51

Leave him be.

EthelPullsItOff · 14/11/2020 07:56

Does he eat with you? That's a good time to reel them in. Also, in the car.

They do want to spend less time with their parents at this age and this is a very unusual situation we are all in at the moment.

Is there a friend he could walk with sometimes? With or without the dog. So at least he has some time out of school with his peers.

We have a film and takeaway night one night a week. That's a good 'no pressure' situation. You can talk about the food and the film.

My teenagers are 14 and 16 and we don't let them watch stuff in their rooms. Really because of the reasons you describe where they are cutting themselves off. They can mirror stuff to the tv or watch what's on there already. And while they are playing games or watching a movie or whatever I don't ask them to empty the dishwasher or how their maths test went.

I also will not let them treat me poorly. I don't think I deserve the worst of them as I'm the one washing their pants. And paying for them.

carolebaskinfedhimtothetigers · 14/11/2020 07:56

Pick your battles. It won't last forever and he will gradually start to become more sociable as he gets older.

Acunningplanmlord · 14/11/2020 07:57

My ds14 is pretty much the same. My dd16 has never been like it at all. Maybe teenage boys particularly are like this?

pictish · 14/11/2020 07:59

You can’t. What’s the point in forcing his company?

Best way to get him out of his room is wait three or four years and he’ll emerge by himself.

AutumnSummersBuffysCousin · 14/11/2020 08:00

My 15 yo DS is like this, as is his 15yo cousin who is also a boy.I miss him Sad

MarshaBradyo · 14/11/2020 08:01

Let him be

But say no screens when he comes down to eat

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/11/2020 08:01

You just need to accept that this is the time when they go "round the dark side of the moon" so to speak. At some point in the future you will hear the faint beep beep of the shuttle as it starts to come back to you.

Original poster
Goingdooolally · 14/11/2020 08:03

Thanks all. I remember being a bit similar in that I loved time on my own reading in my bed. I still love it now!

In retrospect we should maybe have made him watch stuff downstairs but I think it’s too late to instigate that now as he will hugely resent it.

He does eat with us yes. Not every night as we are sometimes running around with sports stuff for other DS. But yes on the weekend and at least one or two other nights a week we eat together.

OP posts:
SocialBees · 14/11/2020 08:04

I have a DS the same age (as well as two younger DC) and I'd say this is pretty normal OP.

Here are my firm boundaries:

  • We all eat together every night and no tech allowed at mealtimes.
  • He has to exercise at the weekends but it doesn't have to be family exercise, I think a dog walk on his own is fine.
  • I don't nag him about homework but I do "remind" him. If he gets a bad report / parents evening I'd start being firmer about that.

We've found that Taskmaster appeals to him and the three of us (me, DH, DS) sometimes watch it together when the other two are in bed.

StevieBud · 14/11/2020 08:06

It's weird because we're regularly warned about the danger of too much SM or gaming on our teenagers mental health but the attitude on MN is oh they're fine, they're just being teenagers, let them be.

When does the balance tip?

Original poster
Goingdooolally · 14/11/2020 08:06

Yes we both love (tame) horror like Stranger Things and I thought I might try to find something we could watch together once a week. It’s probably a bit selfish of me but I just want a little bit of time with him. Some days I feel we barely speak!

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingdooolally · 14/11/2020 08:09

@StevieBud

It's weird because we're regularly warned about the danger of too much SM or gaming on our teenagers mental health but the attitude on MN is oh they're fine, they're just being teenagers, let them be.

When does the balance tip?

Very true. He’s not on SM though just Netflix and watching stuff on YouTube (some quite interesting). But yes the balance is important.

We do take screens off him overnight.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 14/11/2020 08:14

Here he has to do his homework
Exercises
Spends time with little sibling
Eat no screens
Put his stuff in dishwasher and tidy room
Cooks some stuff sometimes
Sees friends (more often normally)

Otherwise I wouldn’t ask him to watch something with us, and seems happy from mh pov

I do think for your Ds walking the dog alone is ok as long as he does it

DonaldTrumpsChopper · 14/11/2020 08:15

My eldest went through this, and came out the other side. Youngest has been in hibernation mode since last spring.

Meal times are sacred in our house, so downstairs, around the table, no phones for anyone. No leaving until we've all finished. Lots of conversation.

Otherwise, I'm quite relaxed, but I will go into their rooms and just sit on their beds and read from time to time. They're quite happy with me being there.

julesover40 · 14/11/2020 08:17

Sounds like normal teenage behaviour, not just boys either. My dd14 is exactly the same. She does eat with us, and spills out 24 hours of conversation in a half hour meal and a 12 minute morning school run.
Occasionally she emerges to join us for a film/walk/chat etc but I try not too force it.
Hoping to have her company back full time in approx 3 years 🤣
I think this is common among her friends too. And their not all on sm, their chatting, watching netflix etc. She also likes to paint so needs peace and space.

Original poster
Goingdooolally · 14/11/2020 08:26

I am reassured, thank you all! We will enforce no screens at the kitchen table. They’re not allowed at meals but we’re relaxed if it’s just a snack. And keep encouraging the fresh air.

He is doing pretty well at school, gets good reports, plays sport at school, has lots of friends and is great (and interesting) company when prised away. So lots of positives!

This year is tough on them as GCSEs may well be cancelled and so there’s a real underlying pressure.

OP posts:
fuschia2000 · 17/11/2020 14:47

I agree steviebud attitudes here seem too chilled. Wanting my teenager ds15 to still be part of family, its good for health and sanity and family bond, so sure some ti.e in his room but most important for us is we work out times for family show, family games, family walks family meals plus find shows he can watch with younger brother. Never screens at meal times!! It's all much Harder at lockdown as extra curricular is paused, cant wait for sport club and other clubs to restart as allows real life socialising 🙏🙏🙏

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