Don't know what to do, DD self-harming and school refusing

[Reallystressedout]

Name changed and changed some details as this might be outing. DD (15) has always hated school and attendance was very bad before lockdown. She started to self-harm in February plus some meal skipping. Spoke to GP and it seemed it was all about school, they didn't feel any other causes. She did well with remote learning during lockdown but has struggled since schools returned. When chatting about school she said if she could choose her bedtime (she has online friends who are not uk) then she would try harder to attend school (She hadn't been since march). I agreed and she started to go in on a reduced timetable. Problem now is she stays up all night, I'm not happy about this but the fact she is attending makes me partly think, let her do what she wants if it gets her to school. I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing, there's been no self-harming and she has started to go back to school but it feels wrong. Help! Thanks for any advice

What is it she hates about school? Is there low level bullying? Could she be home schooled until GCSEs? Or change schools?
The issue with staying up late and presumably getting up early is lack of sleep is detrimental to mental and physical well-being. Can you compromise that she is able to be up late Thursday-Saturday night?

It does sound like you are between a rock and hard place op.

Has she had any contact with CAMHs?

Has she had counselling for the SH? Both my dds were referred to camhs.

Crossed posted with @Wowcherarestalkingme. I don't mean to scare you OP but your GP should be taking this very seriously

Can you make a plan together of where she wants to be and how she’s going to get there ? Maybe then she would move her bedtime by just 5 Mina Day until you reach a time that she can fulfill her plan ... attending more school if this is the way to where she wants to be ? Is she making up the missed lessons at home ? Will she be able to go to college or whatever she wants with her current level ?

Thanks for replies, GP hasn't referred as she's sure it all school related and not something like clinical depression. She's not getting up early as is attending school on a reduced timetable so catching up on sleep in the daytime. We are Scotland so it's Nat 5s, I'm assuming she'll leave at the end of the year, and hoping college. But she has to get at least minimal qualifications to get into college. My heart is saying at least the self-harming has stopped but my head is saying staying up all night is not healthy

If it’s working and she is improving and now learning then I’d say leave it be as it is. X

@Reallystressedout

I don't have a lot of advice but I am in a similar position to you. My DD hasn't been in for 5 weeks and turns to SH as soon as she gets stressed. She has always hated school (though is very sociable so has always enjoyed that side. She either isn't able to or won't articulate what aspect(s) of school make her hate it so much. There was such a long waiting list for CAMHS that I found a private therapist a month ago and she seems to have really bought into her. The therapist Is also working with the school to make a plan about how to get her back in. It sounds like you have done well on that front.

I am also getting Her assessed for adhd on the therapists recommendation as one of her biggest issues is concentrating in class (and getting into trouble) .

Sorry not a lot of use but just wanted you to know you are not alone. The therapist also said that school refusal in teens is at an all time high since lockdown.

For what it's worth (and I know how awful and worrying it is when they won't go in) I think you have done really well to get her back in. I would just make a few compromises on days / times etc if that's possible. .

WHY does she hate school? Struggling with work? Isolated? Anxious? Being bullied? Each situation needs a different approach.

From experience I'd say it's unlikely to be one thing in particular about school, it's probably not anything that can easily be pinpointed. You need to get the school on board quickly.

Thanks for comments, the school have been great, they have been very supportive, lots of meetings with Guidance Teacher and his assistant.

I think we will just muddle along and see how it goes, we are relieved that she is attending school (although just a few lessons a week), even if her sleep pattern is all over the place.

Also yes not just one thing, she has always hated school, think its the other kids mostly, she likes the teachers and happy to do work at home during lockdown so its not the work.