Honestly feel like I can’t handle bringing up anymore teenagers and I’ve still got 3 to go....

[Redbrickwall]

Back I’m when my offspring were small babies and toddlers, we thought it’d be an amazing idea to have a lovely big happy family - 5 children in fact.

Now that one of those children is 16 (and honestly so rude to me I can’t explain) and one is 13 years old, I am fast regretting my big family fantasy. In the last few weeks the 13 year old has developed ‘that face’, eye rolls, answering back, know-it-all and obsession with bloody Ticktock, I am actually dreading going through it again with her.

But what’s worse , is I’ve got 3 more to go

I don’t mind admitting privately here that I now question what the hell I was thinking. I don’t know why it bothers me as much as it does, but I find the constant rudeness, arrogance and atmosphere with teenagers so awful to live with that I fantasise about leaving. BTW, I wouldn’t. I also find it really affects my self-esteem and makes me question myself and feel terrible. It’s like you’re living with people who hate you!

Please give me tips on surviving it for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th time.....

No help op as I have an only, but yes the rudeness! Can you take solace in your younger ones not being teens yet and then when the youngest is a teen the oldest might have grown out of it?

3 teens here.
2 to go..
6 already gone...

Amazed I have hair left tbh...

What are the consequences for their shit behaviour?

Shouldn't take how they speak or behave personally.

Choose your battles. I don't understand caring about tiktok or eyerolling. Mine are allowed to express their feelings. Focus on what they do not how they do it.

It might be ok...

I had 4 under 5s - (insane, I know). As teens they were delightful and so were their friends. They were intelligent, amusing and polite. They got on well with their siblings. I was Smuggy McSmug. Clearly it was down to upbringing.

Then we had another baby after a largish gap. The elders are 30ish now. The Y11 teen we currently have is a bloody nightmare. Rude, surly, hard work. I have never, ever had anybody speak to me with such utter contempt and aggression.

They are obviously all individuals. Perhaps your next children will be easy teens?

Having been through the teen years twice and facing it again with number 3, what I will say is you will live and learn. Parenting is such a huge learning curve. You will make mistakes but you will recognise them, remember them and try to do things differently next time.
Remember all of your kids have their own personalities and that will need to be taken into account in how you handle them.
They are the hardest years of parenting though without a doubt!

My DH is one of 6 and I've heard some stories and a half of how they behaved / acted throughout their childhood!

From everything I've heard from him, his siblings and his parents, it seems his parents got through it by knowing which battles to fight, they let a lot of things go, and they went with the flow. If one of the kids/teens wanted to do something stupid, their parents let them get on with it to learn their own lessons.

I have one teenager and a 21 year old. Going through the teen years twice is more than enough and they are very expensive to run. Plus the bickering was unreal. When I see threads saying ' I want to have a 3rd child' and everyone's saying 'yes go for it' all I can think is do you really want 3 teenagers?

I'd question why you're letting your children speak to you like that, to start with. Firm boundaries and a bedrock of respect are VITAL to raising teens..

I only have two but wanted more. DS 16 1/2 has calmed down and is ok most of the time. Whereas DD 15 is dreadful. I found 14 1/2 to 15 1/2 the hardest ages with DS but DD is such hard work far worse than him she is moody, rude and disrespectful more of the time than she isn’t. It does erode your confidence, self esteem and your mood from time to time. Take care op 💐 🍷 💐

Maybe your eldest will calm down in a couple of months.

My eldest was absolutely horrible from 11-15. Magically he became delightful at 15. My youngest is 15 and apart from the occasional strop he is lovely. Its not you. As a pp said they may well be fine and yes, your eldest will likely grow out of being obnoxious by then

@Elvesinquarantine

3 teens here. 2 to go.. 6 already gone... Amazed I have hair left tbh...

You have eleven children? Wow!

They’ll all be quite different & might be relatively ok!

I have three teens. The oldest is almost 18 and has come through the other side - there is still plenty to be exasperated by but after a few challenges along the way he's doing fine and is growing up to be a thoughtful and interesting person. It gives me hope for DD who is 15 and often moody and ungrateful but who, underneath it all, is lovely.

I think you have to take heart that it really is a phase and they will come out as reasonable adults. I found this helpful for putting it into perspective.

My youngest is nearly eighteen so I've done four lots of teenage years already. I'd say mine were pretty easy though and we got through unscathed.
My tips would be to develop selective hearing so unless rudeness is aimed directly at you, don't hear it. Selective hearing also works when they are asking for stuff but aren't being reasonable or as polite as you wish. Neutral ground, such as a coffee shop, for any difficult conversations means that voices don't get raised and less likely to storm off. Try to not say no automatically discuss with them what would need to happen to let you say yes and the odd treat out of the blue seems to aid a good relationship.

As the youngest become teenagers the elder ones will be growing out of it (and hopefully will defend you against them!)

Sorry you're going through this, remember it's not you - it's their hormones.

This is a very helpful thread. I suddenly feel I am not alone.
Does anyone else have problems on top of the rude and hateful contemptuous attitude, of teen thinking you the parent is worthless and with their teen being physically violent?

Great thread and following with interest. My 11 year showing teenage signs already.

The book I mentioned upthread basically says that boys cope with the teen years by withdrawing and being monosyllabic and girls cope by being argumentative and mouthy. This has been pretty accurate for us.

Whenever DH complains about DD arguing I just point out she's being a textbook teen and not to to worry about it. It's made me much more relaxed and sometimes I even find it entertaining that she's conforming to the stereotype with such accuracy

It's not all been plain sailing and we've had some problems with school and poor mental health along the way but it does pass.

As with toddlers you need to pick your battles. Some things aren't worth getting into a fight over. When you make a mistake admit it and apologise. I've found that works both ways; after an argument/stand off ours will quite often apologise for their behaviour.

Also driving time is useful for chatting. Don't begrudge having to drive them to activities - I've found it can be useful time to talk. I've heard a few confessions in the car!

Just thought of something else and then I'm going to bed! The arguments with girls (or boys) can be a form of attention seeking - they're trying to separate from their parents but still need their attention and reassurance. There's tension between the need for independence and the need to be looked after. This is true of my DD who needs lots of emotional support but who also wants to be left alone...

I have 4 my eldest dd is 14 and second dd is 11. My eldest is exhausting she's been awful since about 12. She so moody abs rude and such bad attitude even towards her younger siblings. She is totally exhausting me but I really how
She grows out of it soon. I don't think my 2nd dd will be as bad she's very different personality wise ans ally softer. Still 2 more to go after that dd6 ds3.

Hi Redbrickwall - we have met on another teenager thread!

I have two teenagers. DD16 is quiet and possibly high functioning ASD - she is very compliant if we let her live in her world of music and the SIMS. Getting her to do any school work has been a total battle!

My ds14 is an absolute nightmare. The thing that upsets me the most is that he has had an almost complete personality change in the space of a year - there is very little left that I recognise. He has developed a heavy cockney accent and a high pitched laugh. He wants to be out with 'the lads' all the time and does not want to interact with any of us. If I try and argue with him he is either incredibly patronising or aggressive (not physically). I really don't know how to deal with him.

One of mine was an absolute delight, no trouble whatsoever, an all-round civilised human being who barely gave us a sleepless night, got on with her school work, had close relationships with her friends with no drama, never even got drunk once!

The other one ... yes, well ... it's quite different, let's say!

I do think in most cases the hormonal years are the worst - teens can even be fun and very interesting once they get through those.

Hang on in there!

I've survived 2 teens SC's and have a teen DD. DSD was a breeze apart from the odd blip DSS was also pretty easy although uncommunicative at times. I think you need certain things to have firm boundaries (like courtesy) and others less so (like tidiness). Try and make sure you still have fun together and eat together. DH was good at making 1:1 time with his DS bit less so with DD.
Personally, I found being reasonably kind and accomodating most of the time meant when they were asked to do chores, they did them without complaint.
Much us down to their personality, my SC's are both pretty calm, laid back people. DD is a bit more fiery.