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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Daughter won’t stay at her dads!

6 replies

RachelB1986 · 10/11/2020 20:15

Hi, first time ever posting so hope i make sense. Really need advice on what to do. I have been split up from my daughters dad for 9 years. Our relationship was ok but didn’t end very well. For most of the 9 years however we have got on well for the sake of our daughter. We did have a court order in place to begin with but wasn’t really stuck to for long. He does see his daughter every weekend and for the most part always has done. She did go to his house and stay when she was younger but she never liked going. He didn’t really do anything with her, she was left to entertain herself for the most part. This was from the age of about 4-8. I did try and get him to put Wi-fi in for her but he never would. In the end she refused to go when she was about 9. I had an ex partner that was awful to both me and my daughter, unfortunately we both went threw hell for a good year before I was finally able to get rid of him. Which had a big impact on my daughter, she didn’t like me being away from her and wouldn’t stay over at anyone’s house, where as before she always would.So I suggested that for her benefit her dad could start having her at my house overnight at the weekend, so he could still have that time with her. He was absolutely fine with it, he slept downstairs and like I said we get on well. Wasn’t every weekend but it was most weekends. Sometime I would go out etc. I was single for a year afterwards before meeting my now partner and her dad had an on and off relationship with a woman that my daughter really liked and him staying at mine Was never effected by it. For the last year and a half I stay at my partners on a weekend while my daughters dad looked after her. It’s only ever for one night and has to fit around him working late on the doors. Which hasn’t been too bad. When my daughter was 10 ( she’s now 12 and a half ) she was diagnosed with diabetes. So she’s been even more reluctant to stay over anywhere and completely refuses to do so. She’s comfortable in her own home and feels secure. Her dad has for the past 3 months entered into a new relationship, still coming to stay on a weekend as she lives quite far away but with the odd weekends not having his daughter to spent time with her, which I completely understand. However last week he rang me and said from now on our daughter has to stay over at his, which we did get into a bit of an argument as I told him there was no way she would. I did ask her and she no she doesn’t want to. He rang her this weekend gone and asked if she wanted to go and get a puppy with them which she did on the Saturday and Sunday she went with them again to pick it up which was really good and even asked to go to his yesterday to see the puppy. She came back from his and said she had on ok time but didn’t want to go back as she didn’t like being there and his girlfriend smoked in the house which she absolutely hates. I’ve messaged him yesterday morning and asked if we could have a chat about our daughter and the way she feels as I don’t think he understands but he has ignored me. I know that she won’t want to go anymore, he did have Wi-fi put in the other day but that still isn’t changing her mind. I know she isn’t going to budge about staying or even going now. I thought about suggesting maybe if he came just every other weekend just for the night but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. Obviously the new girlfriend won’t like him coming here which I fully get but he just won’t see his daughter anymore. So sorry for the long post but any advice would be good 😌 x

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CodenameVillanelle · 10/11/2020 20:18

Well her dad needs to get used to the idea that she's not ready to stay over and make his choice doesn't he? He either continues with the current arrangements or he doesn't see her much. After what she's experienced it's hardly surprising she isn't comfortable sleeping somewhere else especially if he's got a new girlfriend she's not comfortable with and he's only changing things to please the girlfriend! She will know that perfectly well.

RigaBalsam · 10/11/2020 20:19

Its tough it really is. I have no advice just to say you are not alone. My daughter will not stay at her Dads either. She is 12, he tries to guilt trip me and says its my fault. He can't see his own faults.

For years I had to visit him too as she refused to go alone.

We are currently using the lockdown as an excuse not to go and I feel so relieved. Could you do something like this to give you time?

Sorry not advise. Just to say its hard and I am sorry.

ScottishStottie · 10/11/2020 20:20

I think you need to step back and leave the situation as it is.

Youve already done more than most people would to facilitate his access.

Your dd is old enough to be aware that her decision not to go to his means she wont see him as much.

A compromise could be days out etc but she comes home to you at the end of the day.

RachelB1986 · 10/11/2020 20:41

Thank you for your comment, you’re absolutely right she does know that perfectly well, she can take him or leave him which I find really sad but there’s only so much I can do

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RachelB1986 · 10/11/2020 20:44

Thank you for your comment, its really tough. She refuse to stay anywhere and as you know you can’t make them go anywhere they don’t want to when they get to a certain age. You’ve made me feel slightly better knowing I’m not the only one having to face this challenge, it’s just seems sad that he doesn’t realise that in a few years time she’ll be off doing whatever she wants to do and won’t even think about seeing him x

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RachelB1986 · 10/11/2020 20:46

I think that’s what I’m going to have to do. Just leave it. I can’t force her to go and he needs to understand how and why she feels the way she does. Maybe days out would be a good idea, hopefully after all this corona it will be easier for them to do that x

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