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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teen doesn’t want to see my friend’s child

26 replies

Beadermum · 10/11/2020 14:16

Dilemma. I have a 16 year old boy. My friend who lives a couple of hours away has a 14 year old girl. I speak to my friend every couple of weeks but we only see each other 5/6 times a year and it’s always an overnight stay. They live near the coast so it’s usually us going to visit them. When the kids were younger, they played fine together but now my son has no interest in spending time with my friend’s daughter. He doesn’t dislike her, just nothing in common he says and I completely get that.

The last time I saw my friend was at the beginning of this year, before lockdown and I visited her on my own mid week which meant it was easy to explain my son’s absence on it being a school night.
My friend has recently been in touch to arrange coming to visit us with her daughter near Christmas (assuming we’re allowed to with Covid-19 etc). I don’t want to force my son to spend time with this girl but equally I really don’t know how to explain the situation to my friend. I know I have to deal with this soon because even if lockdown continues in December, this situation will rear it’s head again at some point in the future. Any advice gratefully received. Thanks

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/11/2020 14:22

Hmm. I think this is just what happens. Good friend of mine has 2 DS, and I have DD (now grown up). Same age. It was fine when they were younger, but as they got older, no interest. It did mean that we tended to meet just us, but we live locally, which is not true in your case. Would your friend me receptive to a gentle telling of the truth, do you think?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/11/2020 14:22

Be receptive.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/11/2020 14:24

This is completely normal, just tell her he has made other plans with mates. Hopefully she’ll understand! I had a friend who didn’t and it did cause hassle unfortunately.

OudRose · 10/11/2020 14:25

'It'll be lovely to see you, but it'll just me I'm afraid. DS has little interest in hanging out with his Mum these days. '

Job done.

Mumdiva99 · 10/11/2020 14:26

Just tell her they are welcome to come but your son maybe busy. That way the girl will either be expecting to hang out with you and her mum or won't come.

Foobydoo · 10/11/2020 14:27

I would just blame it on his age, he is 16 now and likes his own space.
My friend often invites friends and their children for bbqs etc. My eldest dd is the oldest in the group and stopped coming at around 15 as she prefered to stay home. Nobody minded. I am sure your friend will understand.

FundamentallyFucked · 10/11/2020 14:27

The last time I saw my friend was at the beginning of this year, before lockdown and I visited her on my own mid week which meant it was easy to explain my son’s absence on it being a school night.

Why do you have to explain his absence? He is 16. He doesn't need to go with you to visit people.

GooseberryTart · 10/11/2020 14:30

I would use an excuse and delay it this December with covid. Next time or if she persists just say it was really nice seeing you on my own when I came down last time.
Both the kids have changed now they have got older, both have their own friends and X and Y don’t really have anything in common so if Y comes does want to come up she may find X busy with schoolwork, out with his mates etc so it might be quite boring for her.
Or could you suggest friends daughter stays with her father or other relatives while she visits you or you could meet somewhere central and stay in a hotel?

Beamur · 10/11/2020 14:43

@OudRose

'It'll be lovely to see you, but it'll just me I'm afraid. DS has little interest in hanging out with his Mum these days. '

Job done.

This is a good response.
BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/11/2020 14:49

I used to get replies by text along the lines of "oh I think you should make her stay in and see us, we've given plenty of notice" Hmm

JustDanceAddict · 10/11/2020 15:43

When my teens were younger we used to meet up with and even go away with families we were friends with. Now there’s only one family we are still all friends with and see them all together. I think it’s all naturally drifted so no mega awkwardness.
I would say that you’re happy to come, but DS has plans with his friends at home so you wouldn’t be bringing him.

JustDanceAddict · 10/11/2020 15:45

Oh I just realised she’s visiting you, that one is def harder but I’d say your DS is busy with his own friends and her dd would be bored.,

Original poster
Beadermum · 10/11/2020 16:23

Thanks for the ideas guys. Really helpful. I should have mentioned she’s my oldest friend from school days (30+ years!) and our kids have always referred to the other adult as “Aunty” so there’s almost that family like connection. I think I’m just going to have to be honest as spongbob suggests because otherwise I’ll have to throw my son out the house when she comes even if he hasn’t made plans! I think she will be a bit hurt/upset which is why I’ve avoided it for the last year. 😕

OP posts:
Seeline · 10/11/2020 16:41

You tell your friend she's welcome, but not to expect your DS to be around much as you rarely see him. You tell your DS that you understand his point of view, but he is to be pleasant to your friend and her DD when he sees them, and maybe ask him to have at least a meal with you all.

ancientgran · 10/11/2020 16:49

How long are they staying? I wouldn't expect him to entertain the 14 year old but if they are staying I'd expect him to be pleasant when he's around. If he has friends round I'm sure you say hi and offer refreshments or something. Being nice to guests is just polite.

If you think your friend will be expecting her DD to be entertained by your son and him having to spend all his time with her that isn't reasonable so a heads up that he isn't around alot will prepare her.

Woui · 10/11/2020 17:14

Perfectly normal. My DC is now 18yr old and hasn't been friend with any of my friends children for at least 6 years. Like you I have been friends with these people for over 40 years.

Its fine, they grow apart. My best friends kids and mine would never hang out with each other - they are just so very different.

FortunesFave · 11/11/2020 06:11

I am always amazed at the kids who want to go on these visits! Mine wouldn;t....and I wouldn't make them either. I have one friend who always turns up with THREE teens on every social happening. They're nice kids but they never look that happy about being out with 6 middle aged women having lunch!

RachelB1986 · 11/11/2020 08:44

I can’t imagine the girl wanting to spend time with him either. She might be quite thankful. We live next to a boy a year older then my daughter, they use to play all the time then they just stopped as they got older. She’s nearly 13 and he is nearly 14. I don’t even think they would speak to each other anymore. Maybe just speak to your friend and say he doesn’t want to, she might say the same thing about her daughter.

Jroseforever · 11/11/2020 08:49

What?

We all have to do things we don’t especially always want to do.
This is presumably a very rare occurrence that you all get together.
So for one bloody day your son can deal with a few hours with someone so that you can spend time with your friend.

saraclara · 11/11/2020 08:53

If he's around he makes polite conversation, but you give him permission to go out and see his mates when he wants to.

He needs to understand that you don't just cop out of social situations completely. Any more than you'd refuse to engage with his friends if they visit. But nor does he have to actively entertain his mum's guests.

I really wouldn't make a big deal of this with your friend. The light-hearted response up the thread is ideal. He's a couple of years older than your friend's DD, so laughing off how things change by 16 is the way to go.

Jroseforever · 11/11/2020 08:55

I removed my twice a year visit to my great aunt.

So tedious.

I was in my early teens. She was 92. Suffice to say, nothing in common. BUT my father wanted to see his brother. Twice a poxy year. So yes, I sucked it up.

So really... you should be encouraging your 16 year old son to do something for you. That’s not even that unpleasant!!

Jroseforever · 11/11/2020 08:55

Remember

Holyrivolli · 11/11/2020 08:59

She’s your friend but why are you still trying to force friendship between your teenagers? Of course he should be polite if he sees them but it’s perfectly understandable that he doesn’t want to spend a day making small talk with her and she probably feels the same. Why would you need to explain the situation to your friend and why the angst?

People make such a big deal out of such non-issues on here. It’s like they need people to tell them how to adult.

tatasa · 11/11/2020 09:21

As a mother of teens, this is completely normal, and most mothers understand this.

My DS has totally disengaged from his cousin who he was inseparable from as kids, they hang out at family occasions but that's it.

Perhaps your friend has the same concerns re her daughter, but it would be surprising if she's put out by your DS's disinterest.

Original poster
Beadermum · 11/11/2020 12:39

I am not trying to force friendship, as I said in my original post, I completely get that he doesn’t want to spend the evening with the daughter and I literally said I don’t want to force him to. I was looking for a bit of non judgmental advice on how to deal with a situation I have not encountered before and I’ve received lots of that so thank you everyone else. But really hollyrivolli, there’s no need to be quite so acerbic.

OP posts:
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