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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 13 year old son is just wicked

21 replies

spk68 · 09/11/2020 23:41

Hello
This is the first time I've posted on here as I feel so dreadful. I have a 13 year old son who today after having a row with his 17 year old brother deliberately destroyed some of his brothers belongings which were of huge sentimental value to him- a certificate he was awarded for getting a black belt in judo and a signed poster he got from some you tubers and which he cherished. I cannot believe how wicked my 13 year old is- to deliberately be so cruel. my 17 year old was so upset, called his brother every name under the son. if I'm honest I hated my 13 year old at that moment and said some pretty horrible things. he has got a really wicked side to his personality- does things to deliberately hurt people, has bullied a kid at school before and is constantly rude to me and his dad. I am so sad. please can someone just tell me I'm not alone or please give me some constructive advice.

OP posts:

Uptheduffy · 09/11/2020 23:45

I don't have answers but I also have a 13 year old and he can be very mean to his younger sibling, it's hard to remember he is young himself and probably flooded with hormones.

EatTheHamTina · 09/11/2020 23:46

What a horrible thing to do.
Does he have anything sentimental? I'd take it away. Also would take away everything he loves. Game console, phone etc.

Original poster

spk68 · 09/11/2020 23:50

@EatTheHamTina

What a horrible thing to do. Does he have anything sentimental? I'd take it away. Also would take away everything he loves. Game console, phone etc.

Honestly I'm just so sad and upset atm, he has this really nasty streak which tbh he's had for years but I've always just tried to pretend wasn't there. I have taken away his computer, his phone was already confiscated for something he did last week. I have literally taken everything from him, don't know where to go from here. my two older boys 18 and 17 had their moments but never did anything like this

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BrummyMum1 · 10/11/2020 00:17

It’s been such a stressful time for everyone the past 8 months, I can’t imagine all those new teenage hormones on top. What he did wasn’t nice but I’d listen to him more than punish him. If it continues after covid then tackle it then.

Greygreenblue · 10/11/2020 00:23

I worry about this sort of thing with one of my admittedly much younger daughters.

I think you have to approach this from the perspective of “he is not innately wicked, but some of his behaviour is” perspective and then try figure out what he is telling you/his brothers with this behaviour. What skill/s is he missing that he is expressing it in this way? He’s only 13, don’t give up on him yet. Which I realise is easier said than done as he gets bigger and the things he does get worse

Strawberry33 · 10/11/2020 02:07

Behind every behaviour is a feeling. It’s likely he is jealous of his brother and isn’t feeling good about himself for some reason. Try to listen to him and spend some time with him. X

FredtheFerret · 10/11/2020 02:17

When you've calmed down (and I agree the behaviour is really unkind) I'd tell him you love him and ask him how he thinks he can sort this out?

Point out to him how much his brother cherished that stuff he's destroyed. Ask him if there is anyway he thinks he can replace it? Try and get him to see what he thinks would be justified as a punishment. Will he think it is fair if you allow his brother to smash his phone and computer up in return? Make him see that this would be awful - yet he could (presumably) at some point replace these. Destroying something irreplaceable is a different matter.

But do ASK him what he thinks he should/can do about it. He might come up with the idea of writing to the judo organisation for a replacement - or contacting the Youtubers and explaining the situation. Teenagers generally feel better if they can reflect and come up with something they might do.

Original poster

spk68 · 10/11/2020 08:38

Thank you everyone for your sound advice. I woke up this morning still feeling so angry with him and he's gone off to school feeling pretty miserable himself- but I don't think this is because he's feeling bad for what he's done but more because he knows that he's lost his privileges and for some time.
It's more the bigger picture stuff that worries me because I know he has got a mean side to him.......his brother hates him, is he just mean and always will be, how is this going to affect his relationships with other people when he's older....
Fredthe Ferret- I am going to ask him what he thinks he should do and see what ideas he comes up with.
Feeling pretty rubbish
about life at the moment :(

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SockDrawer · 10/11/2020 08:42

I am going to ask him what he thinks he should do and see what ideas he comes up with.
^ This is great but the key is how you say it.

He needs to know that you love him and that it’s his behaviour you find abhorrent, not him.

SockDrawer · 10/11/2020 08:44

I would find out what triggered his behaviour and get him to come up with alternative ways to act when he has those same feelings again in the future. (Eg punch a pillow.)

joystir59 · 10/11/2020 08:55

If he has behaved like this for years perhaps you need professional child or family therapy to understand what's behind his behaviour?

SockDrawer · 10/11/2020 09:04

That’s a really good point @joystir59

Bowerbird5 · 10/11/2020 09:05

Talk to him about it when he is calm. Make sure you are calm and see if he regrets it. If he doesn’t you may need to consider getting him some help. Have there been any problems at school? If so then consider approaching the school as they will be able to access some outside agencies which could support him and yourselves as a family.

MumofTeenDespair · 10/11/2020 09:06

I'm so sorry to hear this - I'm also going through a tough time with teenagers.

Does he have any emotional/SEN issues? How is he at school and with his peers? Is there anyone at school who can get involved - counselling etc? Obviously he'd need to want to engage in order to get anything from therapy.

I identify with what you say about him being more sad about the things you've taken away than the fact he's done something very hurtful to his brother. I'm in two minds about taking stuff away / punishments in these cases - I'm not sure it works well with angry teenagers. It just makes them more angry and more determined sometimes that everyone is against them.

Can you think about the triggers to this behaviour? If he does it a lot, I'd recommend keeping a diary as it may help in working out what the stress points are.

I do feel this is such an absolutely awful year for kids - teen years are bad enough at the best of times, but this is really terrible. It's not an excuse for bad behaviour but perhaps it is a reason.

FelicityFlamingo · 10/11/2020 09:10

I'd stop removing his belongings for a start. Once you start taking away his phone, then his console then his blah blah, you literally end up with a child who feels that they have nothing left to lose. Quite literally. And this just makes behaviour far far worse because they have nothing left of their own to care about.

My 13 year old isn't like your son but on the occasions he has misbehaved over dealt with him in a different way. I feel that quiet, shocked disappointment in your sons behaviour would be more impactive than seeking to destroy or remove more of this belongings.

What he has done to his brother is terrible. I would quietly put a lock on your other son's door to give him some control over his own stuff. I would sit down with your 13 year old when he is calm and express just how disappointed you are in his behaviour and discuss a way forward as to how to manage this and what steps can be taken so this doesn't happen again.

However you say he's always had a nasty streak. So it's good you're considering that some other stuff may be going on.

Is your household generally peaceful and run to good routines or is it chaotic and shouty? This has a bearing on behaviour too

Oh and I'm not some woolly liberal parent either - the above probably sounds as if I am. I just believe in trying to get to the root cause of bad behaviour and try and prevent

Coffeecak3 · 10/11/2020 09:23

This is so difficult.
It seems that perhaps he has now been designated the bad child.
If so what has he got to lose?
In his mind his two older brothers don’t do anything wrong and are never in any trouble.
He probably thinks you prefer them and feels desperate to be part of the ‘nice’ family.
Add puberty into the mix and it’s heightened even more.
You need a long chat with your son. Ask him frankly to describe how he sees himself. You may be surprised to find that he adores his brothers and wants to be like them and is trying to get your attention in the only way he knows how.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/11/2020 12:37

I agree with all advice
Hate the behaviour not the person
Know that something miserable is festering
Role model the behaviour you want
All basics
Also agree some 1:1 time is more needed now than ever
Force in walks , drives
He is in
Punishment so non negotiable
Siblings can be utterly wicked to each other

Seeline · 10/11/2020 12:41

What was the cause of the initial argument?

I appreciate your younger son did something unacceptable, but to say he is wicked is terrible. You seem to talk about your elder son in much fonder terms.

Original poster

spk68 · 10/11/2020 14:37

Im not sure what the initial argument was about as it all got so frenzied when we found out and then we spent ages looking for the pieces of the certificate/poster that got ripped. And by then i had sent my younger son to bed.
He's due to get back from school soon and I feel calm and just want to understand why he did this. Also find out what the initial argument was about.

The weird thing is that he is good at school and we've never been called in, he's not violent, doesn't swear but what I find really hard is that he says things which he knows will inflict hurt on people- like saying something to me about my weight which he knows I'm sensitive about, or something to his brothers which he knows will upset them.
Generally we have routines and calm in the house but when it kicks off like it did last night it is awful. I do then end up losing my rag and shouting.
I do feel bad for calling him wicked and I do love him but he's just making me weary with his hostility.

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Carm3n · 10/11/2020 14:57

Hello,

I have learned that behind anger, behind hostility or agression, there are negative feelings that have not been processed. It can be fear, it can be dissapointment, frustration, etc.

Something has been bothering your son, or maybe more than one thing. He most probably hasn't been able to understand his own feelings, he he has never been able to talk about them.

Can you spend time with him? Even if it's just sitting silently?

I understand he is a good student? Does he get enough positive attention for these accomplishments?

Is he happy..?

Original poster

spk68 · 10/11/2020 15:11

Hi,

We always praise him when he does something well, he achieves well at school and is rewarded for this both at school and at home.
We have always encouraged our sons to get on and have said its so important that they are a team. The older 2 have got that but my youngest doesnt.
Yes something may well be bothering him and I am happy to spend time with him. He's just not interested though as he would rather be on his phone etc. I have taken that away now so maybe that will encourage him to talk to me. I just want him to be happy and to be kind- thats it, nothing else matters

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