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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Creepy behaviour

30 replies

Qwenzo · 09/11/2020 18:02

My DD (15) is being creeped out by a boy in her class, who won’t stop staring at her. He actively turns around in lessons and just continues staring even when he’s told not to. She has tried telling him not to and her teacher suggested she makes a joke of it but I don’t think this is the answer - why should she make a joke of something to cover up her discomfort?

Can anyone suggest what I can say to school and also give her some strategies to deal with this. She’s becoming very self conscious.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 09/11/2020 18:59

Sounds like she hasn’t explicitly told him to stop but rather the teacher has. Sorry if misreading the situation.
She doesn’t need to make a joke of it but rather of him.
“ Do you need your eyes tested or something? “ “ you’ll never learn anything when you’re facing the wrong way” .

HoneysuckIejasmine · 09/11/2020 19:03

The OP says that the daughter has told him not to. I think she needs to change the language of her complaint - it's not that he's looking at her at that moment, it's that it is a constant behaviour and she feels harrassed. They must take this seriously.

LastRoloIsMine · 09/11/2020 19:06

See I would give him the finger.
I would also use the good old "what you staring at?"

Its not cute, he's making her uncomfortable and she needs to publicly call him out.
Don't get me wrong she shouldn't have to but needs must. My DD (13) would not have an issue with telling him straight as she's confident but her sister who is very shy and suffers with anxiety would really struggle with such a public confrontation.

titchy · 09/11/2020 19:10

Has she told him in a very loud voice in front of the whole class? Could she? 'Jake stop staring at me you pervert'

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 09/11/2020 19:10

@HoneysuckIejasmine

The OP says that the daughter has told him not to. I think she needs to change the language of her complaint - it's not that he's looking at her at that moment, it's that it is a constant behaviour and she feels harrassed. They must take this seriously.
This. She needs to make it clear it's constant,she has told him to stop,he's still doing it when there's no reason for him to do it. It's making her uncomfortable and it's distracting.

Can she or he be moved so it's really awkward/obvious to the teacher if he looks at her? Like in the same row but 3 benches behind.

Is there a pastoral care team at the school she can talk to?

As for how to cope with... I'd go with ignoring. No reaction, positive or negative. No comments that might end up in further interaction etc. Grey rock. As far as she's concerned he does not exist in her class, while she keeps telling the teacher,head of year ,form tutor etc how she feels.

Original poster
Qwenzo · 09/11/2020 19:21

She has told him fairly overly - ‘piss off and stop looking at me’. She has told the teacher who has told him to stop it. But he hasn’t.

It IS blatantly obvious when he’s looking at her, he sits two rows in front and needs to turn around.

It’s annoying, he’s not doing as he’s asked by her and the teacher. Thanks - it’s constant harassment - in my annoyance I couldn’t think how to frame this! I will get involved if it doesn’t stop soon but I want her to be able to deal with this without getting me involved as far as possible. Because she may come across this behaviour again when I’m not there to sort it.

OP posts:
MrsTwitcher · 09/11/2020 19:22

Can she be.moved in front of him or he moves to the back of the class. When it happens the teacher needs to ask him what he is playing at and tell him to stop being so silly.

Happyheartlovelife · 09/11/2020 19:22

I’d shout REALLY loudly. Ooh. You pervert. Stop staring at me. You just can’t stop can you!

Happyheartlovelife · 09/11/2020 19:24

Ask. Write to the school

Don’t phone. Write. If they phone. Ask them to write you an email.

If they phone. Explain you’ll be writing it all up to put in a letter. Just to cover. It works. Trust me

Iwonder777 · 09/11/2020 19:24

Has he any additional needs / social cues problems?

Not excusing, just wondering.

Original poster
Qwenzo · 09/11/2020 19:27

No additional needs

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 09/11/2020 19:28

Ewww nasty.

I would point out their duty of care to your child, preventing her from being harassed.

As a minimum the teacher could have simply moved him further back in class, out of her sight.

I actually consider this to be intimidation behaviour. Deliberate, to make her scared.

SpookyNoise · 09/11/2020 19:33

Is it in more than one class? If so, all teachers need to be made aware.

Original poster
Qwenzo · 09/11/2020 19:38

Why does he need to move? If he goes behind her he’s looking at her all the time. No one needs to move, he just needs to stop turning round and looking at her.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 09/11/2020 19:40

I didn't say they HAD to move. But if the teacher cannot control her class, ignoring it hasn't exactly made a difference, has it?

MrsTwitcher · 09/11/2020 19:49

He sounds very immature and probably thinks he is being hilarious, the best thing is for her to ignore it, answering him will just make him feel important, he obviously enjoys winding her up. It's not for her to deal with this, the teacher needs to step up, call him in with the Head and his parents and tell him to stop, if not he will receive some sort of sanction like being moved to another class.

Henrietty · 09/11/2020 20:03

@Qwenzo

Why does he need to move? If he goes behind her he’s looking at her all the time. No one needs to move, he just needs to stop turning round and looking at her.
People are giving you suggestions to the question you asked. Moving him to the back of the class is one way of stopping him from staring at her.
ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 09/11/2020 20:07

@Qwenzo

Why does he need to move? If he goes behind her he’s looking at her all the time. No one needs to move, he just needs to stop turning round and looking at her.
And if he won't? We know it's harassment and intimidating, whether the school will accept it as that or be able to apply serious consequences to make him stop is variable.
Andi2020 · 09/11/2020 20:47

OP it may be that he fancies her and he isn't even aware that he is doing it.
Not sticking up for him
I do agree he needs to move to back of class she won't know then if hes looking at her.

Cocolapew · 09/11/2020 20:50

Oh course he's aware, he's been told to stop by the DD and the teacher.
It doesn't matter if he fancies her or not, hes been told to stop and he isn't.

Veterinari · 09/11/2020 20:56

Moving him to the back of the class is one way of stopping him from staring at her.

Surely moving him to the back of the class just puts her in his direct line of sight and facilitated him staring at her?

If a male I perceived as a threat was moved behind me I'd feel even more threatened as I know he's still there but I cannot see him.

The school needs to stop him being disruptive not facilitate his behaviour

Original poster
Qwenzo · 09/11/2020 21:00

I understand moving him is a solution. Moving him isn’t going to stop him staring at DD though because she’s going to be right in his line of sight and she’s then going to be aware he can stare to his heart’s content.
Surely this intimidating behaviour needs to be stopped rather than facilitated?

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 09/11/2020 21:06

Well that would be why my post also recommended that you raise it with the school Confused

feministbias · 09/11/2020 21:06

She needs to discuss it with the teacher before the lessons, with her form tutor and with pastoral care.

She needs to phrase it in terms of harassment and intimidation.
If this conversation doesn't have effect then
She needs to make notes of who she has spoken to and when in her school planner/ diary and get them to sign it
She can start noting down when he is doing it and if the teacher says anything.

SpookyNoise · 10/11/2020 13:07

Is it the same seating plan for every lesson?

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