Dd is being bullied and won't let me see her phone

[psychobitchmother]

I've name changed for this.
Dd is 13. She's being bullied via her phone and also at school by the same people. A condition of having a phone is that her dad and I can check it at any point should we want to check on the bullying and for anything inappropriate. Dad has since decided he doesn't need to do this and lets her have her phone 24/7. So I'm the bitch parent according to dd and totally unreasonable according to her and her dad.

Do you check your teenager's phone? If not, would you in this situation? School, the police and social services are all involved with this as her behaviour is terrible both at home and school. She is being bullied but also bullying others and is becoming unmanageable.

Of course you need to check her phone, she's 13 and there are serious safeguarding concerns. Although to be honest I think you have bigger issues than just the phone. Her DF needs to step up and work with you to parent your DD.

Dad and his gf think I am too strict and that checking her phone is intrusive and blame me for her behaviour. She has changed all her passwords so no one can check the phone at all so I have taken it off her. She doesn't have the maturity to deal with social media and regularly calls people names, accuses them of lying, and generally pisses her friends off so they drop her. She doesn't see how her behaviour is not acceptable.

That must be really difficult, but I think you've done the right thing. If there was a physical space that she was being bullied in (or was bullying others in) you wouldn't let her go there unsupervised multiple times a day, so why should her phone and the virtual world be any different. Are school / social services/ the police offering any advice on managing the situation?

I check my 13 year old phone. Like you say its part of the deal of having a phone which I bought and top up each month.

Your ex cannot tell you how to parent in your time with dd.
Remove all tech until she agrees to allow you to see the contents.. Personally I would suggest to her the police can access it if necessary...

I think you hit the nail on the head in the last sentence: she is also bullying others. She doesn't want you to see her phone because there are incriminating messages on there! I don't have children this age but am close to two families that do. Both sets of parents regularly check phones and phones are confiscated if there is any fuss about it. Stick to your guns!

Thank you, I feel much better about how I'm parenting now. Dad undermines me at all opportunities and I feel very much alone. SS are formulating a plan ASAP as she keeps running away late at night too.

You are doing the right thing op,

Yanbu

My kids have a phone and privacy as long as I don't have reason for concern (bullying, drugs etc)

After shouting at me, calling me names, hitting and kicking me, hitting her much younger sibling, attempting to run away, social services have got a case worker for her and she's gone to stay with family members for the time being. All this over a bloody phone essentially. Ffs. This has been the worst year with her and I'm glad she's finally got someone to work with her. I've been trying for over a year and got nowhere. It seems there has to be a crisis before anyone acts. I wish they'd have listened and acted before things got to this stage.

I'm sorry to hear that things have reached crisis point, but hopefully you'll all get the support you need now.

I check 12 year old every so often
Only and purely because he is so distressed

Not wanting to be alarmist but the phone & running away late at night made me think grooming- there’s no chance she’s been communicating with someone older is there? Have you been able to check the phone?

I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your daughter. You must be feeling scared and worried. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and I have nothing to add but the very best wishes that you get support and things turn out well. X

This is very concerning op, can you get the phone unloched urgently. This could be grooming, an older man or bullying, but whatever it is you need to see what is going on. asap.
Ignore ex, your DD needs you to step in firmly here. Good luck.

Oh and l check my 14 and 13 yrear olds phones very frequently, as does evry other parent l know so don't think that youb are wrong in this.