How to help a teenage daughter who really wants friends

[user1468882946]

Hi, I have a 17 year old daughter who is struggling with loneliness.
She’s always felt like the “third wheel”. She was always a bit of a pain at primary school, one of those irritating kids who probably alienated other girls unintentionally! So when she started secondary school we hoped for the best. Initially it went well but she got on with quite a (I hate to say it) nerdy group. Then when she saw this for herself no one else wanted to know her. She then got bullied so after a couple of years she changed school. It was better but she always felt like an outsider. The previous school knocked her confidence so she spent the next couple of years in the new school much quieter and never really got to know anyone properly.
Come sixth form she decided to change school again. She lost a bit of weight, felt good about herself and went into the new sixth form with a fake confidence in hope she would waltz in and just make friends. This didn’t really happen. She met one girl who then decided to leave.
She prefers the company of boys as they are less complicated but this never helps with other girls.
She’s met a nice boy but I can see all her eggs being put in one basket as she just hasn’t got the fall back of a nice mate.
It’s so sad. We’ve had tears and upset.
Years of seeing other girls posting pictures online of nights out and parties. She’s never been invited to a party. Nights of sobbing saying “why me”? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just have a nice friend?
Why does this happen everywhere I go?
In adult company she is amazing. Gets on with everyone. Has got herself a few little part time jobs over the last couple of years.
No clubs now. We’ve done hockey, brownies etc etc.
Any other families out there with the same thing going on?

💐so sorry to hear this - I hate the thought of kids feeling lonely. I have no advice other than telling her to keep being friendly, kind and interested in others. There must someone like-minded out there for her and she mustn’t lose hope that she’ll find her tribe. Keeping everything crossed for her.

She ditched a group of people who liked her because they were "nerdy" and she prefers boys because theyre "less complicated"?

That sort of behaviour is probably why, tbh.

Is she planning on going to uni? I think that’s where people really find their kind of people and click.

@Ohalrightthen

She ditched a group of people who liked her because they were "nerdy" and she prefers boys because theyre "less complicated"?

That sort of behaviour is probably why, tbh.

How can you be so nasty to someone seeking advice to help their child?

I agree that uni could be the place to meet good friends. I think it's probably more difficult if she is always aware of it, maybe volunteering or something with a different motive which could then result in making friends? I think she probably needs to take some of the pressure off herself so it's easier to click with someone

I'm confused rather than trying to be nasty but what did happen with the 'nerdy' friends? My closest friends at school could largely be described as nerds and 20+ years later some of them are still great and treasured friends. Not sure that can be said for the cool set.

Your OP does read like she ditched them when she realised they weren't cool...

That said, she will find her tribe. I'm in my late 30s and some of my closest friends I didn't meet until a few years ago. Like PPs say if she's going to Uni that'll be a good opportunity. Is the college she's at now a sixth form attached to a school where a lot of people already know each other? I can imagine it's tricky to break into existing circles if so x

My DD is similar although she is very socially awkward which is her main issue. She does have a group of friends but she is very much on the periphery and gets left out of all the big group get togethers. I'm sorry to say but if it keeps happening it is definitely her not them. It took me a few years to realise that with DD but I can see now that her social awkwardness comes across as indifference and she looks really pissed off all the time (she isn't!). I've had to help her work on that and also talk a lot about what makes a good friend as she often clings on to the less nice girls. I know what you mean about prefering the boys though - most of my close friends from the age of about 15 were male. I just found them easier to be around. Looking back I think many bad experiences (including that with my mum!) put me off female friends as I felt so let down by them. After I had kids I started reconnecting with my female friends and now have a close group of them but I understand why she might find male company easier. Is there any chance of SN with her?

Initially it went well but she got on with quite a (I hate to say it) nerdy group. Then when she saw this for herself no one else wanted to know her.

Does this mean she ditched the 'nerdy group'?

Is she trying to make friends with people she thinks she should be friends with to be cool instead of making friends with her natural tribe?

@Penguin91 i wasn't being nasty. OP described a pattern of behaviour that really isn't very likeable.

It's easy to say "she'll meet her people at uni" but to be honest with you, if there are things in her behaviour that are putting people off, they're not going to go away when she leaves school. Introspection will be much more useful to her than platitudes.

Why do you 'hate to say' nerdy group? As a teacher the loveliest of pupils are nerdy. As is my very geeky son

So she had some friends but ditched them because they weren’t good enough, but is now crying that she has no friends? Think she’s brought it on herself tbh

Is "being nerdy" = bad still a thing? It's not the 90s jocks vs nerds.

It's tough because some people just don't make many friends (I'd know as I'm one of them). This is just something you have to deal with and it's not something your parents can help with.

Sorry no advice but My 13 yo DD sounds similar. Social awkwardness in primary school manifested in a seemingly uber confident and gregarious girl who in the early stages proved very interesting and attractive to the quieter classmates. Very quickly though the honeymoon period wore off and people steered clear or even bullied her.

We have moved her schools once because we thought the problem lay elsewhere but now see a pattern of behaviour where she wants to be 'prom-queen' and loved by everyone around her but doesn't give enough back to nurture the relationship. It's all 'me, me, me' and I know how boring that becomes.

I don't know how to help her, she becomes very defensive at any approach to reflect how her behaviour might be perceived. I do worry that this lack of emotional maturity will become an increasing problem and she'll end up quite lonely

Maybe you could help her have a look at what she wants from friends. If she wants friends to be ‘popular’ or ‘cool’ then she is looking for the wrong things. If the group she had before were nice, what was the issue?

Also, if she is saying she prefers boys as they are less complicated this will probably put potential friends who are girls off.

If she is keen on fitness she could find a group of girls who are into running or cycling and join individual runs/bike rides with one other (not always the same person). The focus is obviously on the fitness but it’s also a good/low pressure way to make friends.

Helping out - in a homeless shelter or with others who need assistance may also take the pressure off her and allow her to be herself and feel useful. As well as giving her an insight into some of the chai that she perhaps doesn’t have to face into.

So to clarify, the “nerdy” friends were ok but no one else would talk to them. They were alienated by the majority of the year group. And that’s hard to live with. So when she tried to talk to other people they didn’t want to know. Kids are horrible. She didn’t drop them, she just wanted to spread her wings. She wanted the fun she could see other kids having. And by doing that they then in turn decided that she must obviously not like them. So then you find you are in no mans land.
Boys are an easier option sometimes. I was in a class of all boys doing technical drawing O level back in the day, it was the most brilliant lesson. Laid back and fun.
Girls are tricky as we all know and if your face doesn’t fit then that’s it.
I too was quite a “nerd”. And always more than happy with my group of friends. A couple who have stayed with me until my 50s. But we are all different and having an Uber cool older brother who’s always had loads of mates and been in the in-group doesn’t help.
I have offered lots of advice. To always be nice. Be yourself. But I suppose when you’ve been yourself throughout the early years and been picked on its easier to try to be someone else.
Uni may be the path she chooses (it COVID ever goes away!) and yes, she may well find like minded students there.
It’s just hard to watch a child always feeling left out.

Thank you for the clarification. I agree it is hard. It sounds like both you and she need to stop hankering after the thing that is not - currently - coming along and have something substantial and other focussed to lift you away from that focus. You sound intelligent and sensible - as you know there are loads of ways to find purpose and make friends, and in all of those people are having fun (but possibly spending less time online bigging it up). Let your daughter find her passion and loose herself in it or if not, just start doing more for others - this will draw likeminded people to her, who see her worth and she will value them when she meets them.

On the other hand - re her brother - compare and despair.... that’s no life

From lots of the things that you've said it sounds like she could have high functioning ASC. Have you ever looked into that possibility?

With ASC, girls often go undiagnosed. It might be a good idea to investigate this.

I usually hate the ASC comments but in the case it is worth looking at. She sounds identical to my sister who was diagnosed as an adult.

A teen here myself. I was struggling on the other side of the spectrum: I was quiet, my best friends moved schools and I was recovering from a mental health crisis. Sitting beside different people was the best decision ever. Also, I would recommend that she see a speech and language therapist. It is tedious stuff at the beginning but overall it helped me to know exactly what to say and do to get to know new people and to have them like me.

If that isn't a viable option for you, I'm sure there are courses that can be found online. Kids struggling with social interactions is more common than most people think. Some need to learn extra things to be able to make meaningful friendships.

I also wouldn't be against the idea of her dipping into those nerdy friends every now and again. If nothing else, it could lessen the loneliness temporarily