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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Daughter and stepdad

19 replies

KarlyFitz88 · 05/11/2020 23:41

Hi everybody
I'm new here. Hope everyone is coping ok in lockdown and had a great Bonfire night.
I'm really looking for advise to check my own sanity. I dont want to bore everyone with a massive backstory so I'll just get right to it.
It is coming up to my daughters 15th birthday and she wanted to order some clothes off a website. It came up to a 150 and I said it was a bit to much, I agreed to 120. I said I would buy her the rest of the things for Christmas in her basket. My partner, who I have been with for two years offered to pay. I said it was a nice gesture and agreed because I had already bought her some things prior to this, but I said no more than that. Tonight, while I was out of sight setting fireworks, he asked about what she had in her basket, she said it came up to 160, and then he said he would bump it up to 200 all unknown to me. Later,
While we were all in the kitchen, my daughter says she picked everything off the website now and I asked her how much to double check and she says, oh ......
says (my partner) I can spend 200 hundred now. I look at him shocked, as he did not discuss this with me at all.
He immediately said I can tell your mad, I was just trying to make her happy, and i said i didn't wish to talk about it at that moment because i was cleaning up and didn't want a fight in front of the kids. He said i have ruined a fun night. That just pissed me off!
How would you feel and what would you do in my position? Am I overreacting?
Thankyou xx

OP posts:
CovidAnni · 05/11/2020 23:46

Do you share finances or was he spending your money? If the former, I think that’s lovely.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 05/11/2020 23:49

Unless there’s more to it, he’s done a nice thing surely?

nimbuscloud · 05/11/2020 23:52

I think that was a lovely generous gift for your daughter - as long as it was his own money?

AlexaShutUp · 05/11/2020 23:58

Assuming that it was his money, I think he was being really kind and generous. I can't understand why you'd be mad at him for being nice to your dd?Confused

Unless it was joint money that you really can't afford?

LunaFabre · 05/11/2020 23:58

I think he should have discussed it with you first.

Original poster
KarlyFitz88 · 06/11/2020 09:42

Hi. Thanks for all of your replies.
This was about the money and the fact he did not discuss this with me first when I had already said to him that the limit, for my daughter was 120, she did not ask, he offered because I have raised her to never do things like that. I had already bought her multiple presents, so she didn't need that much, especially with it being so close to Christmas. He knew all of this, and upped the money anyway. My daughter is my responsibility, he does not live with me. He has his own children, and I don't interfere with what he chooses to buy or not buy them. He spoils them rotten, but I dont say anything to him because it's not my place. I feel like he ignored my boundaries on what we had already discussed. To be honest it's left me feeling confused, because I would never do that with one of his children.

OP posts:
Missmonkeypenny · 06/11/2020 09:47

I really think he was trying to do a nice thing. Surely the extra 80 is a gift from him?

Fressia123 · 06/11/2020 09:48

Well I understand the boundaries thing. But he's not her stepfather (I think that label only comes if you live together or actual parenting is involved). He probably just wanted to be nice to her.

AskMeOnce · 06/11/2020 10:00

I think he sounds very generous and kind and I don't understand what the problem
Is?

Original poster
KarlyFitz88 · 06/11/2020 10:12

I understand that it was a lovely gesture, I'm not saying it wasn't, and I understand that he just wanted to do something nice. It's the fact that we had all agreed to 120 in the beginning. We have totally different views on things like this. He's pretty laid back when it comes to spending money, but I'm trying to teach my kids lessons with money too. I'm upset that he didn't ask or discuss with me first. When he first offered to the 120 I agreed and said it was really nice that he offered. And yes he isn't her stepdad, shes nearly 15 and has only known her for 2 years. I had been single for a while before I met him and just used to me being the only one providing for my kids, he has also thrown financial stuff in my face before too so it just makes me hesitant.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/11/2020 10:17

You are blowing this way out of proportion. He was just being generous, and now he knows he should have spoken to you first. He didn't deliberately set out to undermine you. Let it go and stop making this into such a big deal.

Hayeahnobut · 06/11/2020 10:27

You need to calm down. It's good to be independent but not OK to be so unpleasant when someone tries to help. Do you want a relationship, do you want a man who is kind to your children? It comes across that you don't.

Original poster
KarlyFitz88 · 06/11/2020 10:41

Im not blowing things up, neither am I being, or have been unpleasant. All I have said to him is that he should have talked to me first. Im just asking for advise. As I have stated I thought it was a nice gesture, I'm not disagreeing with that at all. We had all agreed to a limit. This isn't about needing help. When I set boundaries with my daughter, it is set in place. I have pretty strict rules when it comes to money. I respect his views on the way he spends money on his children, so all I'm asking is that he respects my views too.

OP posts:
Techway · 06/11/2020 10:43

he has also thrown financial stuff in my face before too so it just makes me hesitant

The back story is relevant. I get it.. assume this was food, you said x amount of sweets is sufficient and he gives them loads more, I don't think that would be right.

The key is, what is his motive, is he just generous , can easily afford £200 and that it is what he would spend on his own dc OR was he trying to undermine you. His reaction is very important, if he can't relate to your parenting boundaries then that is a worry. He shouldn't blame/shame or belittle you for your values over money, as they are as as valid as his.

2 years is when you start to know someone, the honeymoon phase is over and if he has a tendency to overrule you because he knows "better" or blames you for having your values then I think there are troubles ahead.

Values over money are individual and generally core to a persons beliefs. If you differ significantly and he can't respect yours then it will be stormy.

I applaud you for trying to show restraint on spending as many teens are grow up with a sense of entitlement and lack of appreciation of money.

Techway · 06/11/2020 10:48

Xpost. I respect his views on the way he spends money on his children, so all I'm asking is that he respects my views too

That's what important...if he doesn't respect your values it will always be a battle. Agreement or "agree to disagree" is essential over money. I also think he should not over rule if the boundary explicitly stated..that isn't generous it is over stepping.

See how he reacts..I hope he is reasonable but many of us ignored these warnings and it only ever got worse.

NellyJames · 06/11/2020 10:52

I think the fact that he also, as you put it, spoils his own children, suggests he’s just someone who likes to treat others. As long as it’s his money and he’s not getting into debt by doing it and you’ve no reason to suspect it’s anything other than a kind gesture (nothing suggests this) then I’d take it at face value.
However, it really depends on the stage and play of your relationship. If you don’t live together and are just casual then it’s a bit stranger than if he’s a very regular significant adult in your DD’s life.
If you feel strongly that you want your daughter to learn she needs to wait for things she wants then that’s fair enough and perhaps needs the two if you to communicate that between you. People’s own upbringing often dictates these things. I find that parents who’ve done well but grew up with nothing often want to give their own children everything possible whereas those who grew up middle class themselves are more reserved and restrained as they’re not carrying that baggage.

frazzledasarock · 06/11/2020 10:58

No this sounds off to me. If my DH was going to do something like this he'd discuss it with me first, here your P is trying to look like the benefactor and you're looking like the bad guy now, first for being off about it and if you subsequently tell him he can't do it.

I'd tell him you need to agree beforehand together if he wants to contribute to a gift to your DC. how would he react if you did this with his DC without consulting him first?

Hazelnutlatteplease · 06/11/2020 11:01

Sometimes you are right and it is still best to let it go.

Original poster
KarlyFitz88 · 06/11/2020 11:09

Thank you Techway
The sweet concept is spot on, that's how I feel about it. I don't think he was purposely undermining me. He just thought it was a nice thing, but at the same time he didn't think about the boundaries with the money I had set. This is what I struggle with him, my parenting rules or boundaries.

I have four children, two girls and twin boys, so I have to be a little more strict, otherwise they would rule the house, and me. So everything is routine and structure. I just want my children to grow up with respect, how to live by themselves, which includes the means to live by on the money they have. Those are just my core beliefs and I understand that everybody is different and do things differently, this is why I dont interfere with the way he raises his children, only when he asks for help.
He struggles to set simple boundaries with his children, I try to support him to make it easier for him, he has asked for my help. But we differ quite abit on things like this

OP posts:
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