Repeated Negative Talk

[Daphnesmate02]

14 year old dd keeps commenting on 'all that is wrong with her'. My face is too long/round, my eyebrows too thick, eyes are the wrong colour, torso is too short and on it goes in a loop. She does have mild/moderate acne which the GP prescribed medication for (and she then stopped taking). No amount of reassurance works. I wouldn't say she is depressed but experiences a bit of social anxiety (though has a good circle of friends at school). She tends to be negative toward me and is quick to condemn me about my attitudes/opinions etc.

I am going through a difficult time myself and I'm on the waiting list for counselling. I'm trying to keep calm and listen but I have to listen to her emotional baggage almost every evening as well as try and quietly sort my own. I know it's my job as a parent to be there for her and I don't think I'm looking for any advice really, just need somewhere to let off steam as I have little support in real life (and obviously this doesn't help). I'm glad she talks about it rather than keeps it inside as I did as a teen (and then developed depression) but...struggling to not be snappy. Anyone else?

Can I ask if you have a teen of a similar age...do they chat to you much or do they disappear to their rooms and chat with their peers on-line etc? My teen sort of chats to me in bursts in the evening (unfortunately, often late at night). If I make a special point of taking her out somewhere then she is happy to chat away. Unfortunately, these bursts seem to consist of a lot of negative self talk. Other times when we for instance go for walks, she will talk a bit about her friends etc.

I hear you op. It's very difficult. In my experience teens lock themselves away and talk to their friends and their parents (as you say, often when you are just trying to get to sleep!). Locking yourself in your bedroom is your first "safe" step towards separating yourself off from your parents.

As a parent, you want to reassure and model reasonable stability and cheerfulness at a time when teen dc are often not very receptive to what we say or do (although it does rub off eventually I think). Equally, while being available to talk, we don't want to follow them too far down their own rabbit holes of negativity and anxiety. It's a difficult balance. They get hyper-focused on their appearance or relationships with friends and it's hard to get them to look up and take a broader view. Having said all of that, sometimes it's helpful for them to hear us say "it's ok to feel sad" and "it's normal to feel that way sometimes".

All of this happens when we ourselves are perhaps going through menopause, feeling less energetic or emotionally resilient than in the past, or when we are responsible for elderly relatives. And teens need extra reassurance ATM as their lives (and ours) are so uncertain atm during the pandemic.

I don't know what the answer is, but it's good she is talking to you. If you are finding yourself a bit worn down with it all, maybe getting yourself some support in the form of counselling, or carve out some ring-fenced time for yourself in which you can do something exclusively for yourself to lift your mood. Everyone says you are only as happy as your unhappiest child, equally , it's important we try and stay buoyant for them.

I must admit I've found myself getting in to a cycle of negativity with dd where I'm dragged down by her negative moods, then she gets dragged down by me , and it all spirals downwards. I've learn to step back a bit and try and keep myself more on an even keel so I can support her better. I don't always succeed but I think it's important to try until they get the message that they are responsible for their own resilience and "buoyancy" although my teen is a lot older then yours. Good luck. Parenting teens is great but it can be very wearying indeed.

Sorry for the essay!

Spreadingchestnut

Thank you so much for your post. Just by posting, you have made me feel less alone. I do know parents of teenagers but nobody seems to want to share their experiences, nobody I know.

All of this happens when we ourselves are perhaps going through menopause, feeling less energetic or emotionally resilient than in the past, or when we are responsible for elderly relatives.

Also this.

I wouldn't say my dd is depressed but she can be very negative. Again it is reassuring to know that is not just my dd, though sorry to hear your dd experiences this too. Yes alone time is very important and I feel I need it more and more (in the midst of the perimenopause). I also have two younger dc.

Definitely queuing up for counselling. Didn't want it by zoom, so in for a long wait I think.

Hi

I could have wrote your post word for word , well most off it, you’re lucky your dd talks to you , mine seems to keep a lot in and around half an hour ago we found her sobbing in her room , she is suffering from acne too at the minute and after a lot off questions she finally told us why she was crying , it breaks my heart, it’s so hard and no matter how many times I told her she is beautiful she doesn’t believe me , my dd is 14 too and I’ve found it so hard lately , especially over the last few weeks , she’s very moody , hardly talks , always looks unhappy , it’s so hard trying to talk to her , I’m thinking off maybe some counselling for her , we have an appointment for the doctors for her acne

Whitehome. The acne has affected dd's confidence no end. GP prescribed antibiotics (designed for the acne and cream). DD says the cream is helping, she has messed about with taking the antibiotics and good do with another course. The GP was great and really listened to her. Best to make an appointment with a GP who has an interest in skin related issues (they normally have an interest in a particular condition and the GP receptionist should be able to point you in the right direction).

I'm so glad your dd has spoken to you, that is something in itself. I never felt able to tell my parents why I was upset (bullied at school) and I couldn't find the words to begin to describe the self loathing I felt toward myself (unfortunately both my parents were abusive/neglectful and my father taught me not to cry). The constant reassurance feels like it's ineffective but I don't know how else to proceed. I think I struggle to distance myself (or worse case extract myself from the situation completely). I am trying to work on it, I think the perimenopause has exacerbated a lot of things.

Yes, it's perfectly ok to talk about the stresses of life with toddlers, but somehow parents of teenagers don't seem to share difficulties in the same way. Maybe it's to protect the confidentiality of their teens, who are entitled to privacy, or maybe it's because they think they should have "got it right" by this point; whereas parenting teens requires a whole new skill set I think. It is very isolating.

I'm not sure if my DD is depressed or not tbh. She is certainly very up and down (I can't keep up!) - absolutely fine and happy one minute and withdrawn and moody the next. And apparently depression can come across as anger and opposition in teen girls rather than the usual low mood. She has a lot of pressure on her in various ways ATM though. She's started seeing a psychologist who specialises in adolescent mh and although it's very early days yet, I think it's a good thing to have someone other than her close family to talk to.

It's not easy is it? You sound as though you have a lot on your plate, so I hope you manage to carve out some time for yourself. Not easy during lockdown! All the best to you.

Spreadingchestnut, I think you are right about why people don't talk about their teens. I don't like to divulge too much about dd because of her privacy etc. and agree, it is very isolating (another reason why counselling would be a major bonus perhaps).

My dd is prone to angry outbursts and describes herself as having anger issues, so maybe she is slightly depressed. I have teetered on the edge of trying to get some psychological support for dd but haven't done so yet - as you say, it would be helpful for her to have someone else to talk to other than family (we have little extended family) but dd seems to talk a lot to her friends and from what I can gather they seem to support each other which is something that I never had (they also talk about us parents I believe) so she has a good outlet there.

She seems fixated about her appearance. I think all the messages that come across via you tube etc. don't help. I know I wasn't happy with my appearance as a teen but I'm not sure I fixated about it but then again I didn't experience acne and this could have been the starting point for dwelling on other things.

Wishing your dd all the best, you too Whitehome.

Hi

Thanks for that, it’s so hard with teenagers, I definitely think dd confidence has a lot to do with everything, she seems to listen to everything her friends say and what we say is always wrong! I’m premenopausal as well and it’s hard ! I wish I could fast forward 2/3 years and be out the other side off the teenage worse years , well so I hear!
Hope you’re ok

Whitehone and Daphnesmate This is a very helpful article:.

www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/drama-queens-whats-really-going-on-in-a-teenage-girls-head/article28549947/

I recommend the book as well!

Sorry that was a link to a small excerpt, hopefully this is the full article:

www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/drama-queens-whats-really-going-on-in-a-teenage-girls-head/article28549947/

Sorry it seems to change from full article to excerpt after you have been viewing it for a minute or so.

That's a great article spreadingchestnut, thanks for posting.