Cant stop feeling disappointed

[Fudgefeet]

Please don’t flame me as I know I’m being unreasonable in wanting to walk away.
My dd is nearly 13 and has been challenging all her life. For example, She was a tricky toddler, never slept and at one point we were sent on a triple p course as she hit any child that came near her. Her sister has a scar on her face from a nasty scratch she received from dd when she was just a month old. Once starting school she calmed down but throughout infants and primary her reports mention that she is bossy, controlling and upset people a lot. The problem is that she doesn’t seem to be aware of how people perceive her and seems to brush off any conflict and carry on as if nothing had happened.
She struggles with reading and spelling, never listens and shows no interest in anything that doesn’t directly involve her.
I have been pushing for years for an assessment but it seems her needs are not enough to receive any support so instead I have paid for private tutoring, got her involved in lots of sports, encouraged creativity and tried to help her build friendships. Basically, acting as her puppeteer. I feel like when I let go it all just crashes down and I’m exhausted.
Recently, she said something at school that was so bad and stupid that her whole class has shunned her and even on social media it has gone viral and resulted in me having to put a block on anyone mentioning her or tagging her on Facebook. She doesn’t seem aware of how serious this is and again has brushed it off as people just being nasty. I spent an entire weekend on her instagram account deleted and blocking comments before she could see them herself.
She is a beautiful girl which has made it easy for her to make friends over the years but she just can’t seem to keep them. I guess what I’m asking is when do I let go and just let her learn for herself? When she was young it was easy to patch over all her social errors and help her but teenagers these days are so much more unforgiving. She’s recently dyed her hair green and now wears thick eye makeup which I know shouldn’t be an issue but the one thing she had in her favour, her looks is now also being sabotaged by her. I know That is such a shallow thing to think but I just want to be honest with what I’m thinking.
If she was doing fine academically I wouldn’t care, if she was happy in her social life and struggling academically I wouldn’t care but it feels like the whole thing is going to shit on both fronts and I have spent the past 10 years doing everything I can to prevent this from happening. I really need to step back, I’m so tired and resentful and that makes me feel awful but for my own mental health I just need some space.

Get a private assessment

Rather than spend on all the extra curricular

Didn't want to read and run but I would try for a private assessment as she sounds very similar to a girl that used to go to school with dd who turned out to be autistic (forgive me if that's not the right term).

Does her school have a pastoral team that could offer some support if they're not doing so already?

I hate to say it, but speaking from recent experience years 10 & 11 will be tougher so I'd get as much support as you can to try and steer things in the right direction now.

As tough as it is for you

Can you imagine how shit it must be for her

@Jroseforever

As tough as it is for you

Can you imagine how shit it must be for her

This isn't AIBU, btw.

This sounds really hard, don’t have masses of helpful advice but I am struggling with my 12yo Dd. Lots of friendship problems and worrying about the role that her own behaviour is playing in them, but then feel guilty thinking that.

I saw the book “Queen Bees & Wannbes” recommended on here and got it from Amazon. Lots of helpful stuff in there about parenting pre teen and teenage daughters, friendship dynamics, gossip, etc, how to talk and support your daughter. Also bits about what if you don’t like your daughter very much... (worded better but you know what I mean)
Might be some stuff in there that could help?

Does she have a pet? Could she look after one?

She does have a pet and absolutely adores him but he is old and probably not going to be around much longer.
I have looked into a private assessment but I wonder what use having a label is going to do?
I don’t want her to give up sports, she quite possibly has adhd as she gets very twitchy when she hasn’t trained for a few days. Lockdown has not helped with that.
I know she must feel pretty bad inside but she rarely opens up to me so I can’t even support her in that way. I end up having to snoop on her phone just so I know what’s going on in her life.
Today she told me she is going to the skate park but I know a boy from school has asked her if he can buy her lunch ( they finish early at school). He is lovely and they’ve been friends for years, our family are friends so it’s not an issue but why does she have to lie about things like this? I know she has a boyfriend, again not an issue as it’s purely 12 /13 yr old texting and gushing but why is everything secret?
I have the queen bee book by my bed, relaxing bedtime reading 😂. I should really look at it.

Having a label will help her to be able to access het support she clearly needs.

The boyfriend thing, she's probably embarrassed, the last person they wan to talk to at that age about things like that is their mothers!

From everything you've said I would strongly suspect ADHD. Please, please get her a private assessment if you can afford it. I have suffered it all my life and only just got diagnosed last year at the age of 31. Getting a diagnosis and starting medication has changed my life.

I only realise now how unhappy I was before. Getting a diagnosis has validated my existence. Medication has felt like wearing glasses for the first time.

I was just like your DD growing up. I wish someone had seen it and got help for me.

And BTW lying is an ADHD thing. It's called a "fight or fib" response. I used to lie to my mum about the most trivial things.

As a senco, I feel that she would benefit from assessment for autism. She definitely has a number of traits from your description. Girls tend to ‘mask’ traits better than boys and are massively under diagnosed. Could you speak to the school SENCO?

Please consider ADHD as well as autism. ADHD often gets misdiagnosed as autism.

The acting as a puppeteer phrase really struck a chord with me as I have been doing that with DS1 (22) his whole life. I put off getting him a diagnosis until last year for various reasons, wish we'd done it sooner. He has a diagnosis of ADHD but probably has autistic traits too (theres lot of overlap), his younger brother has an autism dx so I am familiar with both.
No there are not a lot of extra resources suddenly available on dx but lots is small changes that can add up to a less fraught life. DS is less impulsive on medication and this has led to better relationships, he has better stamina for academic work and is coping with college at last. What's more I feel better, less pressure on me to fix everything and more understanding of how difficult is been. I feel less judged as a parent and I am still having to provide scaffolding at 22, he's got a lot of catching up with his peers to do.
I'd also definitely look into info on Aspergers in girls as your post echos stories I've read from families dealing with that.

We went for a private dx by the way.

Thank you all. I will definitely get a private assessment of her referral is not accepted. The school are gathering info from her core subject teachers today but I’m not sure if it will lead to anything.
My husband is dead against any medication, he’s become a bit woo and sceptical of big pharmaceutical companies over the years so won’t even discuss it.

My husband is dead against any medication, he’s become a bit woo and sceptical of big pharmaceutical companies over the years so won’t even discuss it.

It's not up to him, it's up to your daughter.

I'm happier with regulated medication than the self medication a lot of young people with ADHD end up doing. DS1 used to drink far too much when out with his peers.
Tell your DH that ADHD meds have the highest sucess rate of any psychiatric medication.
DS1 was your Dds age when I admitted to myself that he wasn't going to grow out of his issues. I was reluctant to pursue dx for years, and so was DS, worried about labels and meds, I wish id been more proactive as he left school early with inadequate qualifications and is years behind his peers now in career and educational achievement (although he was European champion at a particular computer game!).
Overmedication is an issue in some places but I think in the UK under-prescribing is as much of a problem.
You can make some progress with lifestyle changes, diet, exercise, sometimes cbt or life coaching and organisational skills training (if you are lucky, its not a given) but that is giving yourself a full time job and keeping your child dependent on you as a coach. What meds have done for my boys (I have two with an ADHD dx, one with ASD) is give then enough control over their symptoms to start working things out for themselves. I am still a bit hypervigilant about what they get up to away from my supervision but I am becoming more relaxed and positive all the time.

Quite normal not to tell you aboit the boy! What did she say at school?

I am intrigued you find it concerning she dived to you about meeting a boy.
And it makes me wonder whether your entire stance on her is a little... harsh.

Because fibbing to your mum about meeting a boy is entirely normal!

Fibbing about boys is the least of my concerns at this age. I guess I wondered why just because he is someone that she has spent lots of time with in the past (camping, parties etc) and I know they were just meeting as friends so shouldn’t even be an issue but i just went along with it. I do remember doing the same at her age.
Saying that, I admit I do have issues with sneaking around as my sister ran off with a boy when she was a teenager and it ended tragically so it’s an obvious trigger for me. I am trying not to act on that though and haven’t said a word.

You cant scaffold her forever but if she does have asd or adhd or some other neurodiversity or even personality disorder then she wont just be able to learn from experience. So I think some form of assessment would be essential.

A label is no use to anyone whose not a bottle of sauce. A diagnosis on the other hand is the key to understanding and support.

@Fudgefeet

Your DD sounds very similar to mine (13.5) in some ways. I am having real issues with her at the moment, and I decided to book her a private assessment for ADHD today. She has extreme high and low moods, constantly gets into trouble at school for being disruptive and answering back, says she can't concentrate , does risky things without thinking about any consequences. She is currently refusing to go into school.

I decided to get her assessed in the end as the constant going round in circles wondering if that's 'the reason' for all of this was driving me mad. I may or may not be, but I feel like we can't go on living on this rollercoaster ride. It sounds like it might be similar for you.

You don't have to go down the medication route. There is a choice. It's not compulsory. If you want to get the assessment then I think you should. Tackle the next bit afterwards with your DH. It's exhausting isn't it?

Its not a label, its a diagnosis. If she had an illness or medical condition you would want a diagnosis so you could get the right treatment or support for her.
You can learn better strategies to support her by understanding why she behaves and thinks the way she does.
I have met too many people who were not diagnosed until adulthood -its a relief to have an explanation for how they behave.
My son is 16 and has ASD, life is a lot easier now he is developing an understanding of why he is like he is - and importanty accepting it. It isnt going away.