Vile DS 15

[Coolieloach]

My DS 15 has always been really hard work, constant need for attention always ‘bored’ refusal to follow rules etc. He is completely unmanageable, when I attempt to discipline such as take away his phone or stop his pocket money he just becomes worse. He doesn’t seem to understand consequences. Everything is always someone else’s fault. He is in the IRU in school but refuses to attend most of the time.

I have always suspected he has some kind of ADHD but refuses to be assessed as he believes all the issues are other people’s misconception. He is very volatile and doesn’t understand the gravity of how his behaviour effects others.

Last night he waltzed in saying he had just been searched by the police (he had nothing on him but his mates had their grinder and weed confiscated). I explained he wasn’t to hang around with those people anymore and at the time he agreed.

Earlier I reminded him of last night’s conversation and he then slammed the fridge door so hard things have fallen off the shelf. He then proceeded to pour a bottle of lucozade over me before storming out.

This was a couple of hours ago. He has since texted me to ask me to transfer money onto his account so he can buy VBucks (he’s at his gf’s house). My response was ‘really??’ I then reminded him of the outburst earlier- he said he was really sorry but I need to ‘stop pissing him off’.
(I didn’t and won’t be giving him a penny).

It doesn’t matter how I respond or don’t respond, it makes no difference. He just carries in being vile then acting like nothing has happened, it’s like he has a split personality. He frequently apologises but then repeats the same behaviour. He doesn’t seem to understand consequences or have any remorse.

He’s not as bad as he was a year ago when he would physically attack me and his dad and smash the house up when he didn’t get his own way, we had to call the police out on several occasions. He didn’t care, just blamed me for provoking him.

I like to think he loves me deep down but maybe I’m just telling myself that to make myself feel better. He has massive anxiety - if I go to pick him up from somewhere he will call me at least 3 times to ask where I am (it’s a 5 minute journey and I leave straight away). If he can’t find a specific item of clothing he will throw his drawers around until I find it for him.

His younger brother 13 has ASD and is scared when his brother kicks off. It’s breaking my heart. I can’t see a way forward, does anyone have any experience of this?

I’m sorry to hear this OP. I didn’t want to read and run but I have no personal experience of this.
My only suggestion is could you have a meeting with the school? They are aware of his behaviour problem and maybe there is a way they could instigate getting him assessed. It does sound like he has some kind of ADHD and maybe if he is assessed he could then receive the help and possibly medication he needs.
It sounds like life is incredibly difficult for all of you and you also have your younger son to consider too.
I hope things get better OP

Sounds a bit like my DD17. Can be absolutely vile and kicks off over little things but sorry and apologetic. I think she has an ASC possibly ADD but she always refused assessment however she has got so massively stressed in lockdown that she self referred to CAHMS as her temper scares her too and she is not studying at all between lessons or zoom sessions. When she is not stressed she tells me I' m best mum ever and within hours she will be renting that she hates me and can't wait to leave home and never see us again etc etc. It is like being in an abusive marriage that you cannot walk away from because you are responsible for them still. Absolutely exhausting but she has now had initial 2 hours with CAHMS and we hope they will get to the bottom of what is going on and offer help and support. I feel your passion OP but have no advice other than to not react when all is kicking off but try and discuss the bad times when he is in a better mood and see if he can a) reveled on what triggered it and b) what he needs from you in those situations ( probably space)

My eldest son (16) is a bit like this. He also has high anxiety and gets nervous about new situations and has also been assessed for ADHD. He has zero focus for school work and covers failure with a lack of caring.

He is two people - one is funny, kind and caring. The other is cocky, arrogant, disrespectful, stubborn, lazy etc.... he can be horrible to his younger brother which in turn affects his confidence. When he is like this he honestly thinks (or comes across) like he is the main person in the house. Refuses to do things outright like get out the bathroom he has been in over an hour and his siblings need to get to bed etc. I know this sounds a lot like a typical teenager but the way he does it isn't. His behaviour rules and when I have been rigid in the past with rules he tells and shouts and ends up having panic attacks which have a terrible affect on his younger siblings.

I worry for him in adulthood especially in terms of respecting authority in a work place

This is just like our son who has ADHD. Please visit GP for assessment. Or he will suffer into adulthood