Apprenticeship wage - who pays for what?

[courtrai]

My daughter has dropped out of A levels and tomorrow starts a dental nurse apprenticeship. She is 18 in December. I'm reluctantly accepting the apprenticeship as if much rather she finished her A's which she's due to take next June

She lives full time with myself and my partner. She had no contact currently with my ex husband and I receive no maintenance (please no lectures on this as it's currently with CMS for arrears). Her dad does however support her 15 yo brother who lives between him and me.

She'll be earning £640 a month. She's currently learning to drive at £70 week for lessons which was funded by her part time job. I've told her if she's effectively working full time she will need to pay nominal rent and board - I've suggested £25 a week - so she has enough to continue driving lessons. She will then be responsible for lessons and, when the time comes, funding her own car. Apparently this is unfair and I should continue to support in some way. I think over £500 a month is a huge amount of disposable income. AIBU? None of my friends have kids at this age yet so I've got no benchmark.

I've told her that if she quits driving lessons she'll have to pay more rent as I'm buggered if I'm funding her shopping obsession. My argument is that if she's made an adult decision regarding her employment and education then she needs to accept the responsibility that goes with that. Is that harsh?

I don't think £25 a week is unreasonable at all... Especially if she has more money left over each month than you do.

I've told her that if she quits driving lessons she'll have to pay more rent as I'm buggered if I'm funding her shopping obsession.

This is an awful train of thought. I don't disagree that she should pay some board but don't penalise her if she quits driving lessons. These 2 are not connected. She is doing an apprenticeship and her wage is nowhere near that of a full time minimum wage job.

I'd agree with you. I think the rent you are charging is nominal - and won't come close to covering her costs. As for 'supporting her in some way'..you are. You are massively subsidising her rent/council tax/bills and food.

I'd give her my politely disinterested face and suggest she's free to move out and rent her own place if she doesn't like it at home.

That's what grown ups do.

Meant to add, encourage her to save. My adult DC pays nothing to live here on the condition she saves a good amount of her wage. I want to help her save to buy a house. Maybe if she quits driving lessons she saves that money instead?

20% a week is the going rate in our house...

@nicerbeing

I've told her that if she quits driving lessons she'll have to pay more rent as I'm buggered if I'm funding her shopping obsession.

This is an awful train of thought. I don't disagree that she should pay some board but don't penalise her if she quits driving lessons. These 2 are not connected. She is doing an apprenticeship and her wage is nowhere near that of a full time minimum wage job.

My thinking is that learning to drive is a continuation of education (of sorts). I want to incentivise her to continue this by making her rent very low. So I see a correlation of sorts there.

"I'm reluctantly accepting the apprenticeship"

Surely you should feel proud that she's managed to sort out this apprenticeship? Your disapproval is coming across loud and clear but in these current times, what's the alternative? Benefits?

£25 per week is reasonable.

You sound annoyed that her father is supporting your son but not your daughter and you might be projecting this onto your daughter - How did that happen?

When DD started her apprenticeship we said
1/3 into savings,
1/3 into 'longer term bills' and
1/3 to spend monthly.
She had already passed her driving test and we had provided an old car.
The 'longer term bills' was for next year's car insurance, Christmas, holidays. Monthly was petrol, clothes etc.
Savings was for better car, moving out eventually etc.

@Undies1990

"I'm reluctantly accepting the apprenticeship"

Surely you should feel proud that she's managed to sort out this apprenticeship? Your disapproval is coming across loud and clear but in these current times, what's the alternative? Benefits?

£25 per week is reasonable.

You sound annoyed that her father is supporting your son but not your daughter and you might be projecting this onto your daughter - How did that happen?

The alternative is that she finishes her A levels. Of course I'm not proposing she goes on benefits however if she chooses her own path I don't believe I should be guilted into paying for her choices. I work full time myself and am not exactly flush at the end of the month.

Her father choose to contact back in July. They've always had a somewhat fractious relationship but this distance has been driven by him. It's very difficult

The biggest issue is you seeing her apprenticeship as less. It's going to get her further in life then just finishing A levels if she doesn't want to attend uni. Also an apprenticeship is still a form of continuing education, more so then the driving lessons.

I think you need to be supportive of the choices she has made. Dental nursing is a good career and she's obviously interested in it. I think she should pay board at whatever you set the rate at but as she is now going to be a working adult you really can't tell her what else to spend her money on. So if she decided to drop the driving lessons then that's up to her - but seeing as she already pays for these herself I can't imagine her doing that. (Maybe in defiance initially) I know you say you don't want to fund her shopping habit- but you won't be. You'll actually be £100 a month better off than if she was still at school. Plus no uniform, lunch money, stationary etc to provide. Please be supportive of her, staying on at school isn't for everyone.

I am pleased and proud that she's gone and found this herself; I'm just not so pleased that's she's thrown in over a years worth of studying. I've paid for her HepB jab and uniform so far so I'm not entirely unsupportive I promise!

I just want to sense check the position I'm taking on driving lessons. After my commitments I've got around £4-500 a month as unallocated spending (I wouldn't say disposable income as I've still got another child in school to support from this). This will effectively be about the same as her available funds.

You need to stop comparing what she has to what you have. Whatever you decide to do re board etc should t come from a place of 'she can't have more spare cash then me'

Shouldn't

I think you need to figure out what money you need her to pay and stick to that. When I was younger and lived at home I had more disposable income than I do now & I paid my parents rent (a nominal amount really). If I can afford to do the same for my own daughter then I will. She has years of paying bills ahead of her. Work out what you want her to pay - if you're worried about her savings she could always pay £50 a week and you save half for her? The rest of it is up to her.

No point trying to force her to finish Alevels if she wasn't enjoying them. DS finished his but wasn't really engaged and got mediocre grades as a result. He then did an apprenticeship instead earning around £950 a month. He paid us £30 a week (£120/month) which wasn't really rent, it was his share of food and bills.

He's recently finished the two year apprenticeship, moved out, and just been offered a new job paying £24k. I'm really proud of him and think the apprenticeship was definitely the right thing for him rather than uni.

It's a tough time to get any job or apprenticeship right now. I think your DD has done well for herself. I'd take the £25 a week towards food and bills and let her enjoy or save the rest a she chooses.