Just caught ds 16 smoking in his bedroom grrr

Dickorydockwhatthe · 2020-10-27T22:11:45+00:00

I knew he had started and he said it was just the odd one from a friend etc. I gave him money for his birthday and warned him I would go mad if he spent his money on fags. I've just gone upstairs as his room was Stinking and he's tried covering it with Lynx. He's obviously had a fag in his room and I could smell the packet out in his bedroom and have found it. I've had a go at him for smoking in his bedroom and the fact he lied and denied it at first. And then denied having the packet so more lies until I was close to finding it. He's asked if he can smoke in the garden instead but I'm finding it really hard to approve even though I smoked when I was his age so I know I can't say anything. He says he's smoking because it helps with his anxiety and its just the odd one. Am I wrong taking it off him? Should I take him doctors if his anxiety is that bad? I told him he was stupid for disrespecting me by doing it in my house. On top of this he's fallen into the wrong crowd so I can see this spiralling to be honest and the smoking is the least of my worries but I need to maintain boundaries. Some of the kids he hangs around with are from care and drink, smoke and take drugs. They've taken him under his wing so I'm trying to spend more time with him, understand him and talk to him. If I let him smoke in the garden, will he then smoke more and then expect to smoke in the house, then it will be drink etc. How do I play this?

mum2bin2021 · 27/10/2020 22:28

Hi - at 16 I can see why you're concerned but if you ban him from smoking in the house/garden, it doesn't mean he'll stop, he'll just keep hiding it (or trying to). I think giving him the ability to smoke in the garden will open the doors for him to trust you a little more to treat him as an adult, so he may be more likely to open up to you with any issues. He's growing up, you only have a say in his choices for a couple of more years and moving forward, it's all on him. Compromising will hopefully work towards a better relationship as he grows up. That's my 2 cents although I know there'll be a lot of people with the complete opposite opinion.

Veterinari · 27/10/2020 22:53

If his anxiety is bad enough he needs a crutch then he needs medical support - it's safer than risking addiction and lifelong health problems.

I'm finding it really hard to approve even though I smoked when I was his age so I know I can't say anything.

Why can't you say anything? Have you learned nothing since you were 16? Are you planning on supporting all of his stupid choices if they are the same as your stupid choices?

FGS be a parent, get your son help for his mental health problems and stop enabling a choice which could lead to chronic ill health and his early death.

Veterinari · 27/10/2020 22:55

He needs clear boundaries. All kids push boundaries but he needs a parent who will actually parent. That generates security for him. Otherwise if he has to look out for himself and make all his own decisions, what's the difference between him and those kids in care?

waltzingparrot · 27/10/2020 23:52

I wouldn't give him any money to fund his habit. It would be birthday jumpers from now on.

nicerbeing · 27/10/2020 23:58

It was going so well until the kids from care comment

ClaireP20 · 28/10/2020 00:03

@nicerbeing

It was going so well until the kids from care comment

You know exactly what the OP means, don't be so bloody sarcastic.

nicerbeing · 28/10/2020 00:24

You know exactly what the OP means, don't be so bloody sarcastic.

Oh that wasn't sarcasm. It was a legit comment and absolutely meant, because yes, I do know exactly what OP means.

Audreyseyebrows · 28/10/2020 01:05

‘ Some of the kids he hangs around with are from care and drink, smoke and take drugs’

Not kids from care?!
You need to intervene op! Smoking today, shooting up by tomorrow.

I would say absolutely no to smoking in the house and would encourage him to seek help with his anxiety.

glasgow357 · 28/10/2020 01:11

Why does it matter they are in care? He's probably smoking from the stress of living with you.

notangelinajolie · 28/10/2020 01:15

No I don't think you should allow smoking in your garden. The more places he can't smoke and the fewer opportunities he has to smoke the better.
I smoked when smoking was accepted everywhere. And then they banned it on planes, buses, shops, cinemas, restaurants, pubs etc and in the end I gave up because standing outside in the cold wasn't for me.
And don't give him any more money - his new friends will soon get fed up of paying for his fags.

Terrace58 · 28/10/2020 01:26

If he needs it for stress, he needs a psychiatrist.

And hell no would I allow smoking in my garden. No one smokes on my property under any circumstances.

If it was our house this would be an extremely big problem because of asthma. Tomorrow would start with him lugging all his clothing and bedding to the laundromat and paying to wash it himself.

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 28/10/2020 08:06

@glasgow357

Why does it matter they are in care? He's probably smoking from the stress of living with you.

Wow some of the comments on here are harsh!! Thanks for being supportive 👍. And I didn't mean the kids in care comment to come across in a bad way. But having known people who have worked with children from care homes in our centre they don't have alot of boundaries and many are on a path of distruction because they've had such shit time in the system 😔. To be honest yes he could be hanging around with any teens doing the same.

OP posts:

Coldwinds · 28/10/2020 08:19

OP let him smoke in the garden. Or maybe talk to him about getting a vape. Speak to him about the very real dangers of smoking in a bed room and the fire risk.

With the friends situation you need to really spend time understanding where he is at. Why does he have anxiety? Who are these other boys and where does he hang around with them? Why does he hang around with them? Does he smoke weed too and is this giving him anxiety?

This would be the time id be worried about if I had a son. My best friend has a son who got in to a wrong crowd at this age and it last about two years. It was an awful time for her and him in the end, it got to the point they would be standing outside the house at 12am trying to get him to come out.

Steve Biddulph has a great book called ‘raising boys’ why don’t you have a look at that.

Rather than butting heads with him you’ve got to keep lines of communication open.

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 28/10/2020 08:49

Thank you coldwinds, he's struggled in school and has Developmental language Delay which effects his social skills so he's struggled to make friends in school when he first joined, and then got picked on a bit not loads but I guess enough comments to wear you down. Hes very socialable but doesn't know how to socialise. He does have a group of nice friends now but they don't really go out, one goes to their dads alot, other mums worried about corona so stays in and then others are on the xbox. So he's met these friends through another friend. They are hanging around the city centre, getting into fights etc. Ds isn't like that but they have taken him under their wing, not sure why. Is it because he is nice or because he has money (birthday money) which is now running out. He says they are nice to him and since being friends with them the cool kids have stopped making comments to him and leave him alone. I think the cool kids just pick on anyone outside their group TBH. I guess he feel accepted and apart of a group even though he doesn't really fit if you know what I mean. I'm so worried about him.

OP posts:

Coldwinds · 28/10/2020 08:55

@Dickorydockwhatthe

Thank you coldwinds, he's struggled in school and has Developmental language Delay which effects his social skills so he's struggled to make friends in school when he first joined, and then got picked on a bit not loads but I guess enough comments to wear you down. Hes very socialable but doesn't know how to socialise. He does have a group of nice friends now but they don't really go out, one goes to their dads alot, other mums worried about corona so stays in and then others are on the xbox. So he's met these friends through another friend. They are hanging around the city centre, getting into fights etc. Ds isn't like that but they have taken him under their wing, not sure why. Is it because he is nice or because he has money (birthday money) which is now running out. He says they are nice to him and since being friends with them the cool kids have stopped making comments to him and leave him alone. I think the cool kids just pick on anyone outside their group TBH. I guess he feel accepted and apart of a group even though he doesn't really fit if you know what I mean. I'm so worried about him.

I bet he is buying the weed and other stuff and that’s why they are being nice. You need to be really really careful he doesn’t end up owing them money.

Get the book I suggested and see if there is any useful advice, the girl version was excellent.

Can you try and reconnect with his old friends?

You’ve just got to keep talk and more talking.

Does he have any interests? Would he be up for a hike or something that would blow the cobwebs away and clear his head a bit. 16 years olds worlds can become very small.

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 28/10/2020 09:10

Yes that's what I've been worrying about 😔. Ive been keeping ds busy at home and taking him out more, we had a lunch date yesterday he loves food! I've planned a breakfast date with my friend and her son who is friends with today. He has a gf etc but he's just frustrated his friends don't go out as much as he would like. He would be out every night. These kids maybe nice to him, but they are smoking, drinking and I know they have taken drugs. Ds said he wouldn't be that stupid but you do become who you spend time with!! I'm talking and doing things with him.

OP posts:

Coldwinds · 28/10/2020 12:43

@Dickorydockwhatthe

Yes that's what I've been worrying about 😔. Ive been keeping ds busy at home and taking him out more, we had a lunch date yesterday he loves food! I've planned a breakfast date with my friend and her son who is friends with today. He has a gf etc but he's just frustrated his friends don't go out as much as he would like. He would be out every night. These kids maybe nice to him, but they are smoking, drinking and I know they have taken drugs. Ds said he wouldn't be that stupid but you do become who you spend time with!! I'm talking and doing things with him.

If his friends are doing it there is a very high probability that he is doing it. My dd1 was the same, swore blind she wasn’t and I believed her but I found evidence she was. Plus if he is buying fags they are probably using them to skin up with.

Does he like sports? Is he motivated enough to start a club? What’s he doing with education? Are these lads in his school?

Have you thought about getting that book? I got the girl one when dd1 was 15 and it really changed the approach I had with her.

I’d talk to him about quitting smoking or at the very least moving on to vapes. Does god GF come round to your house? It’s getting cold now so you could encourage them staying in?

Andi2020 · 28/10/2020 15:18

@Dickorydockwhatthe My dd is 17 she swore blind she wasn't smoking everytime I smelt it and one day she asked me to get something in her room and I saw a photo off her with a fag knew how to hold it she ran off in a huff and I went to her bfs house who I had only met couple of times asked him to come with me and I asked him does she smoke and he said an odd time and I asked do you smoke in our house.
Well that was the end off the fags for them both and she hasn't t ran off in a huff since.
Tough love to get him to stop.
Maybe my dd and bf would still have an odd one at a party if covid19 wasn't around so yes you are right teenagers copy their friends

JustDanceAddict · 30/10/2020 17:20

Def see the GP re anxiety. He’s only 16, they’ll take it seriously. I would no way sanction smoking in my house or garden, I hate it and its effects. I did used to smoke socially in late teens/early 20s and trotted the same line out to my mum (you used to smoke, so...).
It’s a tough one though as I know my DS has smoked dope occasionally. I have told him it’s much stronger these days and not something I approve of at all. We can only give our opinion and implement house rules at this age. What they do outside the home is something we can’t control, unfortunately.