Am I controlling?

[pourmethevino]

Dd seems to throw this at me a lot, here's the picture...

Dd is 14 she wants to go out with friends walking the streets at night in the dark and we live in a rough area of Manchester. Tier 3 is in place here and I've told her I'm not happy about her going in a group as it's against the law. Her school work has always been fantastic but at the minute I'm getting texts that she's late with homework etc.

I've asked her to be straight with me and she can go out but to tell me where she's going, she's not being honest about about where she is and just hanging about on rough parks, around shops etc. It's not what I wanted for her tbh but I'm trying my best to understand her but she turns her phone off changes her password on snapchat and just lies about everything.

Am I being controlling? Reading this I probably am, I just don't know.

What would you do in this situation? I'm really need some advice because I don't know whether I'm being too heavy with her about this. Her dad doesn't see her so I'm making these decisions on my own.

I've also got a 7 years old son who's seeing all this arguing and it's causing so much upset in this house. I'm not handling this well, she's always been such a star pupil but her attitude towards me is awful and I feel as though she has so much hate.

I'm just not one of those mums who will let her roam the streets at night, she's only 14, it's dark and anything could happen.

Really need some advice.

I don’t let my dd do this and she’s 14. I don’t care if that’s controlling. I wish she could have her friends round, or go shopping cinema etc but she can’t. Difficult time’s, but doesn’t mean she can do what she likes. I also have 17 yo DS, and he goes out but not late either.

I don't have a 14 year old so not commenting from experience. But here's my two bob:
Take her for a coffee/sickly sugary latte thing that teenagers like (neutral ground / 'grown up' space)
Explain that trust is a 2 way street - honesty = freedom.
Boundary breaking means can't go out next time. Boundaries are: all social media available to you, phone on and answered every time. Missed calls returned within half an hour (as if she's not constantly glomming at it, but half an hr gives benefit of the doubt).
She gets £20/£30 (or whatever you can afford) for her wanderings round town but the moment she breaks a boundary it goes to £0 for 3 weeks.
She can accept this and have an easy time with you, with the curfew and other 'controls' getting more lenient every 6 months. Or decline, and there's no money and you'll have her phone back entirely.

No you aren't controlling.

She's at that stage where she wants independence but is still very much a child. It started with my dd at the same age once boys came on the scene.

But she has to understand that to earn your trust and to be allowed greater freedom in the future she has to accept there's a pandemic on and it's getting darker earlier. She needs to be home by a certain time and to have her phone on or you confiscate it and ground her permanently.

Try and find a compromise - she can go out for a couple of hours on Saturdays for a burger and milkshake or something.

I'm in the same tier 3. It's tough and it's half term but stick to your guns. Maybe chat to her friends and their mums so you are all on the same page.

Say to her that if she can get through these next 6 months building your trust and doing well at school then when things improve she can get to do more stuff.

It's doubly not safe out there.

Thanks for all your advice. I was doubting myself. Yes I need to stick to my guns. She is hanging about in areas where there are smack heads, drug users etc. I'm just not comfortable with it even without the pandemic.

Great advice about the trust building though and I will talk to her about this, at the moment she doesn't want to talk to me so I'll let things calm down.

I love her so much and don't want her to come to any harm, it's hard being a single parent to a teenager 😱😱

You've got to set boundaries to keep her safe.
Deep down she wants you to set boundaries.

I would engage with her ... right to want to do these things. And privately acknowledge that you can't totally control her.

I guess that means ask her about how she's going to keep herself safe & legal if she does the things she wants to do. The dialogue isn't a precursor to you consenting to what she wants to do. It would be giving her reasons to see why you can't just let her run wild.

You are not being controlling, you are being a parent.

As parents, one of the things we have to do is to keep our children out of harm's way. And that is what you are doing.

You are being a parent - not controlling ! My dd is 13 and there is no way she would be out hanging about , especially given the current restrictions . She is currently on a social media ban due to some really inappropriate chats I saw on her phone . Tbh she has become a nicer , more interactive and sociable girl since we did that ( only day 3 but still .... ). Not relevant but the point I making is that we have to intervene , they don't know what's best at this age . Plus , in light of Tier 3 ( same as us , we are Greater Manchester ) , it's just not safe to allow kids to be out mixing . We have had the same issue about Halloween , but thankfully all my dad friends parents are in agreement not to let them go out .

DD not dad *

Well this is another problem as dd friends parents just let them roam around at whatever time they want. So I'm the over the top mum who won't let that happen.

I've told her whilst we are in this pandemic she can no longer go out at night.

I'm willing to let her go out at weekend for a couple of hours in the daytime providing I get the truth where she is and if I phone her she answers. Although I won't tell her this yet as I'm still annoyed she lied in the first place, so maybe when I can trust her I will put this in place.

It's such a hard time for everyone at the minute but I seem to be getting the blame for all this, it's part of being a teen mum I suppose.

OP you're doing great . Am also a single parent and it's hard to gauge if you're being too hard or too soft . In my opinion, you're spot on . It's just too dangerous and risky right now and they do need to learn boundaries at this age , or you lose them forever x

Have a look at Life360... it’s a tracking app. I have it and. Dd. It’s very reassuring. Dd is happy with this at moment, and will discuss when she isn’t happy etc

Hideous age OP. I think I aged about 10 years when my DDs were 14-16ish. They want more independence but they’re still young and naive, and just see us as stuffy old people who are trying to spoil their fun.

I was terrified they’d end up with alcohol poisoning/pregnant/drug issues or become infatuated with some loser ... but they did come through it. Keep talking, even if they don’t want to listen.

You are a good parent and you are not controlling, the opposite, I would say you need a little bit more monitoring since she's not being honest and she changed passwords. As Lollypop, I suggest you to look to some gps tracking app like Life360 or even better a good parental control app to have tracking, block inappropriate apps and stuff, check what she is doing on her phone, put screen time limits. You can look for Family Link (android) or Family Sharing (apple), both free apps, lately we are using Safe Lagoon, very good one but it has a monthly fee. Not a direct solution but it could be a big good change.

She is 14, of course you should be some what "controlling." It's called parenting, and obviously she shouldn't be running the streets at night, with or without covid restrictions. It's a recipe for disaster. Tell her no and stick to your guns. You're her mum, not her mate.

OP, you sound like a loving parent who is aware of the value of boundaries and guidance.

It is likely some of her friends' parents are actualy allowing their 14 yos to behave like this, but I doubt it is all - this is a common teenager point of argument that 'everyone else is doing it / allowed to do it...'

Good luck - I've been tackling similarly 'challenging' behaviour for YEARS from my DD who is now nearly 17. Tonight's argument is that she should be allowed to sleepover tonight at a friend's house (we're in Tier 2) because 'it's a holiday' and 'if I have to go to school, why should I not be able to stay overnight with one friend?'...

She's all for negotiating boundaries but the minute she needs to compromise or is told 'no', she says she can do what she wants because she doesn't agree.

You have my utmost empathy, OP!!

No, I don't think you're being controlling. As a responsible parent, you need to ensure that she is making safe choices.

I have a 15yo and there is no way I would allow this. Thankfully, dd's friends' parents wouldn't allow it either so it isn't really an issue for us. I appreciate how difficult it is to be the only parent to impose boundaries, but if you explain your reasoning to your dd, hopefully she will understand.

It sounds like she has got in with the wrong crowd. Very difficult situation to deal with. It's important to try and keep the lines of communication open.