had major blow up with dd(14) today

[crkm]

why do things get so out of hand so quickly? I made a simple comment on the dinner we were about to have and it ends up like world war 3. DD storms up to her room and doesnt reappear. I thought it best to leave her. after dinner went up to have a word and all hell breaks loose. In the past i have tried to encourage her to stand up for herself as i dont want her to be put down by people, and she has to be able to keep her end up -so to speak- but why does she have to be so obnoxious. any way i told her that i was not going to do anything for her this next week - then maybe she will realise how much i do around the place and that actually doing the washing up after the evening meal every day isn't that much to do!! I told her i was not going to wash her clothes or cook her meals or get her up in the morning, and that her dad won't ferry her around to her evening activities. am i being unreasonable? any advice welcome - i just can't handle her at the moment. am really starting to dislike her. how can you dislike your own child?

I have been told that between the ages of 13 and 17+ most kids are lacking a certain hormone which is linked with empathy. So, they can appear to be hugely selfish in their behaviours though its simply a physiological thing - I know this doesn't help in a practical sense, but I find if I can remind myself of the REASONS behind anyone's bad behaviour, it helps me deal with the consequences of that behaviour better than I'd otherwise have done.

I have a teenage sister who has not quite grown out of this yet.

I don't think your punishment is unreasonable and in fact, it encourages the growth of independance, which is only a good thing. I hope this week goes ok!

thanks - but am beginning to regret it, as dd went running to grandma with a sob story and i got the evil eye!! still if it helps.......

We had almost identical one today with ds(14). I don't know how it gets so out of hand. Understand all the stuff about hormones but I must say they seem to affect some kids far more than others.

Sounds so familiar. One comment and all hell breaks loose and they say the most terrible things then you shout and off it goes.
My dd left 10 months ago now (at 14). She IM'ed me yesterday to tell me she thinks she was 'emotionally abused' by me and that she belives I am faking having MS. Emotional abuse meaning having rules, and yes, losing ones temper in the face of provocation and shouting back (not very grownup I know).
She also says its shameful I tak her disabled sister 'out'.
Right now I dislike her intensley and can't understand how she belives this psycho-babble (her friends putting this in her head) and how she can be so hurtful. Still in tears about it all.

NMC - so sorry to hear all this. Did you used to have another name? if so, am very sorry it is still going on

Thanks Pimmpom. Yes, I did have another name. I love dd very much but she is incredibly self centered so its hard to like her. Just waiting for some maturing to happen.
My teenage boys, while they grump sometimes, never say things meant to hurt so the shouting type stuff just doesn't happen and they adore their little sister and don't care what poeple think.
Probably the difference between boys and girls.

have quite a way to go b4 ds is a teenager but if it makes you feel any better, I remember being a teenager and shouting at my parents that I HATED them and basically hardly ever talking to them. Went to the pub alot (from age 14) but wasn't a druggie or truant. Went to uni and now have a great relationship with my parents so things do change - its not forever! (now 34 but it didn't change a while ago, promise...)

crkm

I have every sympathy with you, I'm sat here in tears after yet another bust up with mine.

DS2 (11) is very explosive and has been a nightmare since Thurs. I managed to calm him out of it last night, but have been alone with all three this morning as DH at work. DS2 was grounded due to calling DH and me a "prick" in one of his outbursts, so more punishment as normally he goes off to the field with his friends on Saturday am's.

Anyway DS1 has got a new paper round, so I drove him all round, only 30 papers but a very widespread round, come back and he goes for DS2, DH restrains DS2 to stop him getting thumped by DS1 and then DS2 goes off on one, ending up with me shouting at DH for trying to hold him back, and me losing it big time and swearing and ranting and crying (i'm usually quite calm). I have had enough, no pocket money today for them, and grounded tomorrow, but they don't seem that bothered, it is hard to punish them, and find something that will make them realise how much they are causing hurt to others.

Sorry has turned into a rant, but I would love someone to wave a magic wand and make it all right, especially as they get so much and are so lucky.

kkgirl. I remember my mum getting upset at me and my brother fighting. i think i was about 14 and he was 16 so not so good for me. Think she left us to it sometimes for her own sanity. Can't remember if anything they did/said helped but get on with bro really well as well now. I remember I was bullied by a girl in our street and he rode into the back of her on his bike! (when he was about 10) so they probaby love each other really..
Anyway you can keep them apart a bit more?

Stick to your guns crkm. She is perfectly old enough to do her own washing and get herself up in the morning. If she wants a lift somewhere she has to do a job for you first.

Ds1 has just finished redecorating the bathroom, and ds2 is finishing the garden. They are 16 and 18 and do all their own washing - have done since they were about 13.

I work full time and have a younger child, so everyone has to do their bit.