Dd14 - it's like I'm not good enough for her

[Blushingm]

She hardly speaks to me unless she wants something. She claims she's anxious about everything. She stays in her room ALL the time and her room stinks - to me it smells of urine and cheap perfume and her being in there means she smells like it.

She will not speak to her brother, even if it's to say what she wants from the take away.

I feel like I'm treading on egg shells constantly

Throw all the windows open when she goes to school and make sure she showers every day. Give her space but make sure she knows you are there if she wants to talk It’s really hard time for young people right now

I recommend reading this book:

^www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-Life-bestselling-teenagers/dp/1846680875^?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-teenagers-4058134-dd14-it-s-like-i-m-not-good-enough-for-her" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-Life-bestselling-teenagers/dp/1846680875^

I’m in the middle of reading it now.

I hated the my house my rules speech as a teenager but as a parent I fully support it now. If my room stunk as a teenager my parents would have opened the windows and burnt all my festering belongings. I wouldn’t burn things but I’d certainly clear it out and fumigate the room when she’s out, if she dosnt like it tough.

As for not talking to her brother, I would want to know why. She needs a good one on one with you. If you don’t feel that would work is there someone she could speak to. I know things are hard at the moment seeing extended family, maybe there is someone at school, pastoral care or school councillor? My DDs school councillor is fantastic, she really gets my daughter to open up.

@Blushingm I feel your pain. My DD15 is constantly angry with me about everything. Says I’m ruining her life because I don’t let her have her phone after 10 at night and I don’t want her going out on school nights. She spends most of her time in her room and sulks all through dinner which is making our family tea time miserable. We used to have a good relationship but right now she is directing all her anger at life/exams/Covid at me. I know she will get through this and I’m trying to stay strong but tbh it’s really getting me down on a daily basis. There’s only so much I can take

My 14 yr old dd is awful atm. I also take her phone at 10pm now and she shouts about it every night. She stomps around the house in a mood all day. Makes conversation impossible.

Strip bed every few days and wash at 60 degrees. I do this for ds (14).who showers every other day but still smells like old onions! I air his room when he is out and our hoover has a freshener disc in it.
Offer nice toiletries In a cool looking toilet bag. Non - stinky things like plain Dove deodorant roll on. They definitely tackle odour a lot better than deodorant sprays.
I would remove dirty underwear every day and buy some nice new ones. Not sure what else you can do?
Keep offering good food and love

The book untangled by Lisa Damour is often recommended on here and take a look at the "Holding on to the end of the rope" threads on teenagers board.

Part of the process of becoming an adult is cutting yourself off from your parents, not speaking and hiding in your room is a "safe" first step so it's quite normal. The urine smell isn't though; has she got a health issue or is she addicted to gaming. or something and not going to the loo? My teen DC bedrooms are messy but I would draw the line at a urine smell.

That's the key I think. It's helpful to be very clear in your own mind about what behaviour you will tolerate and what crosses the line. Choose your battles.

Have you tried to get her to see things (in a calm moment) from her brother's pov and how her behaviour might be hurtful to him?

Golden rule though: don't show any favouritism and keep telling her you love her (teens need to hear it often because they assume everyone is against them). Try and do some one to one activities where you are side by side (a walk or a long drive?) so you can talk and it's not too confronting. Keep the lines of communication open.

@Nonamesavail

My 14 yr old dd is awful atm. I also take her phone at 10pm now and she shouts about it every night. She stomps around the house in a mood all day. Makes conversation impossible.

Then why does she get the phone back? In this house, if you cannot handle handing a phone over you don't get the phone back.

Why do you not address the stomping? They can clearly control this behaviour in school. I would ask her what would the punishment be in school if she acted this way with a teacher.

In the past I have told my teenage sons that if they were a partner and spoke to me like they just did they would have to move out because I will not be spoken to like that. They do not speak to teachers like that otherwise I would have had phone calls from the school. They also don't do it to their friends either otherwise they wouldn't have friends. I ask them why they think it is acceptable to do it to me.

Re the room, strip the bedding, open the windows. Tell her she smells and that other classmates will start telling her this or calling her names for it. My sons are 17 and 14, every morning they fold back their duvet to air their bed and open the windows in their room. They have done it for years.

I feel like school have noticed and commented on dds behaviour...I take it away and she goes to her dad's and gets it back. I can't not send her as its a court order. She is a pain at moment but could be a bit worse I suppose!

Thank you EVERYONE - it's nice to know I'm not alone -

I've told her so many times she can talk to me, I've had her referred to the school wellbeing and someone through the gp but she wouldn't talk to them either - just shrugs if I ask her about anything

OP I could have wrote this this was DD exactly except her bedroom smelled strongly of BO and cheap perfume.

We finally found her some roll on deodorant that she liked the smell of and bought some Shield soaps and told her to wash her arm pits with this.

Her and her room don’t smell of BO anymore but its still a tip.

In place of not speaking to her brother our DD hardly speaks to me or when she does she addresses by my christian name and is either rude and or aggressive or mocking me.

💐 🍷 💐