At a loss with helping dd14

[Lostmum29]

What do you do when you can see that your daughter is struggling emotionally but she won't talk to you about it??

My dd14 is very up and down with her moods lately. She is a very quiet girl who has traits of social anxiety. I am an over worrier but I can sense when she's struggling and it absolutely breaks my heart that she won't let me in to help her. We have recently been to cahms due to suicidal thoughts bu lr she is adamant she isn't going back and they haven't pushed for her to seek treatment.

I'm at a total loss on how to be a supportive parent to her when she keeps the door tightly locked. Any advice would be much appreciated. Xx

Talk to her and see if she wants any help. Talk to the school, they'll have student support workers, counsellor or PFSA that may be able to work with her

Would she be up for having a diary? Not one that you can read.

When I was a teen and going through some tough times, I kept a diary. I wrote some pretty dark stuff in there but just being able to write about things that had happened or how I felt, really helped.

Time one to one doing things she would enjoy in and out of the home
Time as a family in and out of the home
Little treats here and there that are thoughtful
Text messages
Involving her with things that keep her busy like organising younger sibling birthday day
Encouraging friendships/hobbies
I personally wouldn’t push for info out of my DD if she didn’t want to talk to me about her struggles, I would ask her each day how she is, if she has had a good day etc all the normal things and make conversations from them, no judgements or telling what to do, and I would let her know I’m always there for her as I might not be able to solve her struggles, but to know she isn’t in this alone I’m right next to her
Some people do struggle to open up when struggling like this maybe discuss with DD a way she can let you know she’s having a hard day without words, like different colour post it notes to stick on the fridge to let you know

This may not help as my DS is seven so not at that stage yet, but when he was going through a difficult time the most useful piece of advice I had was to talk to him when he doesn't have to look at you. So, I would ask him how he was in the car, when there wasn't face to face contact, or when I was tidying in the kitchen and he was doing something else. It took the pressure out of the interaction and it really helped. Apologies if this is simplistic, but thought it was worth mentioning. Hope you find a way in. x

Sympathies, I went through something similar with DS1, there is no point trying to force them to talk to you but I did try to get him to open up a bit when his mood was a bit brighter and we were in the car foe example, with mixed results.

I let him know he could tell me anything and from a safety point of view I had to hide paracetamol, razors, knives etc to prevent any impulsive behaviour. I did also check his room on occasion and remove stuff like that, he never mentioned it but I was not going to apologise for trying to keep him safe.My DC did not have locks on their doors, I have always knocked and been respectful of their need for privacy but would not have felt comfortable with them, especially DS1, being able to lock themselves in their rooms.
He also did not find CAMHS helpful, things resolved themselves in the end and he is now enjoying life at Uni, but it is a rollercoaster parenting unhappy teens

Does your DD have friends at school? Is there another family member she is close to?

How is her social anxiety and low mood affecting her daily life?

Is she attending school? Does she have friends? Are there moments when she is happy and enjoying life and activities? It's very difficult ATM with Covid-19 but does she have a reasonable balance of school and study, down time, eating, sleeping, friends, exercising etc? What does she like doing?

It's "normal" for teens to have lots of ups and downs but obviously suicidal thoughts are very concerning. Part of growing up is separating yourself off from your parents and physically spending lots of time in your bedroom is the first step in that.

The golden rule is to keep lines of communication open. So tell her you love her a lot (as teens tend to assume everyone hates them) and tell her repeatedly that you are available to talk at any time.

Teens have this annoying habit of clamming up for days and weeks on end and then on a random Tues night at 11.30 pm when you are ready to sleep, they will come and talk to you for 20 mins and "dump" their fears. The trick is being available at the right moment but otherwise giving them a bit of space. If we are too intrusive it gives the message that we don't trust their judgement. It's very difficult.

Find out 3 things she loves and offer to do then together but actually involve yourself in doing it even if it's just watching Hollyoaks together or watching awful shite on YouTube or just let her pick a takeaway and a movie. The more casual relaxed time you spend together the more likely she is to open up more to you.

I don't know if this will be any help, but when I was going through this with my dd, the only time she was able to open up to me was in the early hours of the morning. I would end up in her bed in the dark and she would finally cry and tell me what was going on in her mind. I was incredibly tired but it was worth it as sharing helped her, at least she knew I understood.

Funnily enough I was talking to my DD earlier today and she mentioned a friend at school who was struggling with some stuff but found it hard to talk to her parents. She loves her parents but worries that talking to them will end up with her parents getting over involved and taking it way too seriously.
Given you say you are a worrier, she may be reluctant to open up in case it becomes an even bigger deal.
My DD has also been engaged with cahms but is reluctant to go back when her anxiety escalates.
I think the advice to talk to her about other things is good. Just talk. Talk about TV shows, music, whatever she likes. Being out of the house I find very helpful.

I had this with my niece, who I have always been close to, she attended counselling for suicidal thoughts but thankfully never attempted anything. She struggled to talk to her mum (absolutely no fault on her mums part). Talking to me first helped her, I didn't offer much advice on her problems mainly just listened and let her get it out/try to understand it and how to word it herself and encouraged her to talk her mum too. I think having someone to let her have a trial attempt at explaining what she was thinking and acknowledging her thoughts and feelings mattered before speaking to her mum helped.

Is there someone else your dd is already close too she can spend time with and speak to? Don't make it formal, just someone she can spend time with regularly who can casually show an interest in her and ask her how she is/how is school/friendships etc and see where the conversation goes. I wouldn't expect this person to feed information back to you but you should be able to trust them to encourage her to speak to you.

Also agree with pp's. With ds he talks to more more when we are out, especially in the car (mobile phones are banned when we are in the car together!).

Thanks everyone for your advice. I didn't realise just how difficult the teenage years really are. I keep thinking back to me at that age and I completely understand her moods and anxieties and I try so hard to be honest and support her. Im sure she has one or two friends out of her group that she can really talk to, I guess I'm just really struggling not being the one that she confides in. She keeps alot to herself and she does know of websites to use when she's really low. I just wish I could wave my mum wand and take all the unwanted emotions away from her. Xx