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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 year old issues

26 replies

Ravingangel · 15/10/2020 05:45

Hello Smile I’m here looking for a bit of advice and guidance. I have a 12 year old son who up until recently has always been a well behaved polite child, but recently I’ve noticed a bit of a change in his behaviour and everything came to a massive head on Friday when he was brought home by police for taking a Stanley knife to the park with him Shock. I honestly do not believe he took it with the intention of hurting himself or anyone else, but to simply show off and act ‘cool’ in front of his friends. As I’m sure most of you can understand I am totally distraught about this and have spend god knows how many hours since crying and questioning myself and my parenting skills since this. I have always been a pretty strict but fair mother and have tried to be his friend as well as his mother (that didn’t work) as a result of this I have taken his phone and Xbox off him for a min of 2 weeks (depending on his behaviour) stopped him going out indefinitely and, told him he’s banned from any kind of social media (when he has his phone back) and also contacted his school. My biggest issue now is, once his punishment is over how do I ensure something like this never happens again? I am concerned about the crowd he was hanging around with, but also feel and worry that maybe it’s not them being a bad influence on him but maybe him being a bad influence on them and don’t want him leading them down the wrong road as much as I don’t want them to lead him down it. I feel horrendous as I can’t help but think so badly of him and I just feel like I don’t know who he is anymore and it’s breaking me. Am I being too harsh on him or not harsh enough. How do I get my good child back and how do I deal with the hurt I feel without it having too much of an effect on him.

Please don’t judge me for his actions as I know he has done a really really bad thing but i really don’t think this is because of the way I brought him up (I hope) I just think he’s lost his way and I don’t know how to get him back.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 15/10/2020 06:36

Sign him up for drama classes. And stop having hysterics.

Seriously. Calm down.

He's looking for drama....give him some via a proper class.

Onceuponatimethen · 15/10/2020 06:42

Hi op, I don’t have teenagers so no experience but just wanted to give you a hand hold and say I think you sound like a really good mother.

I would talk him through the case that happened up in Cheshire and the fact that you can get a criminal record, get hurt or hurt someone.

Teens do make stupid decisions. Eg I know someone who tried illegal substances as a teen now in a very responsible job.

Have you spoken to school about this? I think in an ideal world you would collaborate with them on this.

PracticingPerson · 15/10/2020 06:44

Oh that was a horrible shock. Of course you're worried. But first of all, take a deep breath.

The issue is why did he take it? Have you managed to talk with him much?

Also does he have enough interests, who is he friends with, what does he like doing? How much time does he spend with you and his dad?

It sounds like you may need to overhaul his life a bit! I wouldn't let my kids hang out at the park, but that is because that's what I did as a child and it was often less than ideal.

nimbuscloud · 15/10/2020 06:47

Are the police going to take further action against him?

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 15/10/2020 06:56

Teens or in this case a 12 year old cannot think ahead, their brains just cannot make the next leap to what could happen if there was an altercation and a knife is pulled out. He did probably take the knife to look cool, what you need to talk to him about is what would have happened if there had been an altercation and someone got stabbed? Even if it wasn't him doing the stabbing.

You need to talk. Ask him questions like why he felt the need to take the knife.

Also show him this with is a paramedic who dealt with a single stab wound on a child who died.

Tell him how much you love him, that you only want the best for him and that involves a life without a criminal record which will stop him getting jobs, girlfriends, friends.

Original poster
Ravingangel · 15/10/2020 08:43

Thank you all for your replies and encouraging words. Me and his Dad are separated but we get on really well and so his stepmother is great too and we co-parent and are working together to get this sorted.
I work full time I'm a pretty demanding job and I leave for work as he's waking up and he goes home to an empty house then either goes out with friends or stays in his room. I can't change my job but I am making a conscious effort now to spend more time with him when I get home and put my work and my phone to one side. He's asked to start kick boxing which I'm torn over as I don't want him to go out fighting, but think the discipline and realisation that there are bigger and tougher kids out there may bring him down a peg or 2.
He seems extremely sorry about what he done and has said he knows it was stupid and feels stupid.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 15/10/2020 09:23

I can swear by drama classes for kids like this...kids who feel drawn to action and dramatics get on very well in acting classes.

steppemum · 15/10/2020 09:41

Calm down. I am not saying that to be nasty, but because 12 year olds don't tend to learn when their parents are being OTT.
Talking and discussing issues goes a long way. Great ideas above about thinking through th econsequences of those actions, do this in a calm way, maybe over a pizza, often sitting side by side is better than face to face over the table. You need to connect and talk, not lecture. Very hard to do when you are upset inside.

he goes home to an empty house then either goes out with friends or stays in his room.

This is a worry. I know that you can't change your job, but 12 year olds need more suppervision than this. Being left to roam at 12 is going to get him into trouble. What time do you get in? Can you do flexible working at all so you can be at home one or two evenings per week?
The kick boxing sounds great, channelled energy and teaches him about control. Any chance of getting that after school one day, so he gets home after kick boxing at about the same time as you?
Any grandparents around? Can you make one day per week he goes to them, gets spoilt with cake etc and then comes home?
My 15 year old, during lockdown, started practising German with her Granny on the phone every day (who happens to speak German and I don't). It has blossomed into the most awesome relationship. She tells her Granny stuff that she never tells me, and it has been amazing. They are now back at school and she doesn't 'need' to phone to practise German, but they still talk most days.

PracticingPerson · 15/10/2020 10:26

I work full time I'm a pretty demanding job and I leave for work as he's waking up and he goes home to an empty house then either goes out with friends or stays in his room

This needs to change I think. Not saying you have to give up your job (although I would personally consider a switch, well, I already gave fucked my career Grin ) but a relative, a child minder, his dad, a friend's or after school club.

You clearly can't just leave him alone at the moment.

FortunesFave · 15/10/2020 10:28

I agree with Practice I also have a 12 year old and I wouldn;t be happy with her coming home to an empty house and then just going out...I wouldn't know where she was...too much can go wrong.

He needs someone there or he needs to go to someone.

PracticingPerson · 15/10/2020 10:28

Could you go a bit later to work and then he goes to his dad's after school? He must be quite lonely.

Original poster
Ravingangel · 15/10/2020 11:57

Once again thank you all for your replies they are really helpful. His Dad and stepmom are both school teachers (not in his school) he also does a lot of after school activities so he gets home just as late if not later than me. With my job finishing early is not a possibility, but I will look further into sorting some kind of child miner or after school club for him. I do feel awful that I'm not there when I get home and even more so now that this may be a factor in his recent behaviour.
His phone has track my iPhone so I always know where he is but not what he's doing unfortunately.

I really really do appreciate all your feedback.

THANK YOU ALL XX

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 15/10/2020 13:46

How long has this arrangement been in place OP? Him coming home alone I mean?

PracticingPerson · 15/10/2020 14:05

I hope you work something out Flowers

Original poster
Ravingangel · 15/10/2020 15:25

Since he's been back in school after lockdown as that's when I started my new job

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 15/10/2020 22:31

Right. Is there anyone he could go to? Or a club at school?

Original poster
Ravingangel · 15/10/2020 22:56

There are no clubs or activities running in my area at the moment as we are in local lockdown, but I will look into it and try to get his registered with something when we are allowed again. I only have my mum and she lives along way from me and also works herself. When he was in primary school he use to go to a childminder and he loved her to bits so I may see if he can go there or even get him to volunteer somewhere. I just know he will hate it to start though as this will not be 'cool'

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 16/10/2020 01:27

Do you know any responsible teens? Or is that not allowed where you are? My friend had a 17 year old girl come over to hang out whilst her 12 year old was alone. She paid her obviously.

PracticingPerson · 16/10/2020 05:36

Could you ask work for a temporary hours change or to WFH for a couple of hours per day?

Or use annual leave in small bits to minimise the time he's alone?

I also thought a childminder or get an older responsible teen round who will watch films etc.

Original poster
Ravingangel · 16/10/2020 06:16

I am going to contact his old child minder today.

Just wanted to share something else with you also and get your thoughts. my son is a little bit like me and finds it difficult on times to talk about his thoughts, worries, emotions etc and he finds it extremely hard to do it face to face. So I have now put a notebook and pen in his room and I have told him that if there is anything he wants to ask, well, share with me that he finds awkward to do do face to face then he can put it down in the book and I have told him I will ONLY reply in the book to save him feeling to awkward to talk to me. I know he should feel he can talk to me about anything and I always tell him he can but I know he finds it hard on times. This is only going to be a temp measure until he realised that there is not much that phases me (I've been 12 myself, and a rebellious 12 year old) I just want him to be able to feel he can tell me anything and if that means we have to start with this book then I will.

OP posts:
PracticingPerson · 16/10/2020 06:22

The book is a good idea! Teachers often ask for pupils to write worries down for these reasons, and also because young people get distracted and the moment passes.

ChocolateFace · 16/10/2020 06:24

My DS did a similar thing at that age- he and his friend found some rather large knives and took them out. One of the first people they bumped into was DHs friend, and DS proudly pulled out this huge blade. Obviously we and the other boys parents were informed immediately- the other boys dad come over to our house with his DS and both boys were sat down and given a very stern talking to.

They're now older teens and haven't entered into a life of crime and violence, and are actual pretty decent kids. They just didn't think through their actions because they were kids, ans kids so really stupid things sometimes.

It a good thing the police got involved so your DS is aware how serious this was.

I agree with posters saying get your DS involved in as much organised activity as possible. Sport was the thing for my DS, as he needs to be constantly socialising, and I think he'd have rather hung out with a bad crowd than no crowd.

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