At the end of my rope with DS

[diavlo]

My DS will be 18 in a fortnight, and the last few years have been challenging to say the least!

I was hoping we’d be seeing an improvement by now, but no, he’s as revolting as ever!

He’s rude, egotistical, selfish, misogynistic , lazy, arrogant and shows absolutely no empathy for anyone else. I sometimes worry that he’s a sociopath, but he used to be loving and caring...

I’ve got no control over him and short of throwing him out, and believe me I have imaginary conversations where I do just that, I don’t know what do do with him.

My heart is broken and I just feel that I can’t take It anymore. I miss the boy he was so much and feel like such a failure. All of his friends Are turning 18 too and their parents are posting on Facebook that they are so proud of the men their sons are growing up to be, which just makes it worse as I can’t say the same. He really is horrid!

I know there is no solution, but just hoping someone who is through the other side can give me some reassurance that there is some light at the end of this 5 year tunnel!!

I’m sure you have.... but will he not discuss things with you? Is there a dad or father figure / uncle / grandad around who can speak to him too?

My boy has just turned 17 and not to want to rub it in, but seems to have grown out of any stroppiness / attitude behaviour- but I do come down on him hard when he does as I’ve always been a single parent. He sees his dad but he’s fecking useless so all boundaries and discipline have to come from me.

My first piece of advice would be to ignore what others are saying on Social Media. For some of them I expect that not all of their behaviour is making their parents proud - but they'd be unlikely to be posting that for all to see.

I also have a DS who has been a tricky character to live with. I had hoped that when he went off to Uni he would learn to appreciate all that he has and all that we do for him. From a distance he absolutely does but when he's at home he often reverts to type. That's not to say I'm not proud of things he's achieved because I absolutely am but I fear that even as he approaches 24, the relationship is always going to be better when he's not under my roof (as he was for most of lockdown). It is not for want of trying to bring him up correctly so I don't blame myself but I too find it hard to accept the way he speaks to me and the lack of respect for our house - but he's never been into drugs or wild parties so it could be worse!

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@Namechangedforthisoct2

I’m sure you have.... but will he not discuss things with you? Is there a dad or father figure / uncle / grandad around who can speak to him too?

My boy has just turned 17 and not to want to rub it in, but seems to have grown out of any stroppiness / attitude behaviour- but I do come down on him hard when he does as I’ve always been a single parent. He sees his dad but he’s fecking useless so all boundaries and discipline have to come from me.

OP this is my 15 yo to a less amplified (at the moment) extent. I feel your pain.

Namechange.... can I ask what boundaries do you specifically have in place? Everyone talks about them like you're born knowing what they are and how to enforce them. I see I am really struggling with what I let slide and what is non-negotiable. What is normal teenage behaviour and what to come down hard on

Thanks, yes his Dad has always been present but is quite laid back and his attitude is that he doesn’t need the hassle of confrontations, which doesn’t help!

We have had chats over the years about his lack of respect, which he pays lip service to, until he gets what he wants of course, then he quickly reverts to type!

I look back and try to pinpoint that one day where I lost control, but I think it was so gradual I didn’t notice. I have a younger child (15),who obviously has her moments, but is a dream in comparison. She is appalled by his behaviour as well.

I agree that the Facebook posts are probably not entirely accurate, it they make me feel so inadequate.

I only really learnt about boundaries, red flags etc through Mumsnet and luckily my sister is also on here and so we can discuss in real life too.

A big of grumpiness / attitude ok, but anymore than that or if it’s continued I pull him up on it. Explain that I don’t talk to him with hostility or rudeness and don’t expect that kind of attitude or nasty energy in the house.
I’ve taught him how to release his anger and frustration, which I’m sure teenage boys suffer with more than most, he does things like chopping wood, goes for a run, I’ve encouraged him to punch his pillows, do some boxing - basically release his anger out - but never AT SOMEONE.

When things have become bad in the past, I restrict money, phone, WiFi, Xbox etc.
I also make sure he pulls his weight around the house, although that’s still a massive work in progress!!

I really hope you get through this OP and previous posters.... my boyfriends son is 18, he doesn’t discipline him, gives him no boundaries and the boy is a nightmare. Won’t even say please or thank you or acknowledge people. I worry he’s just going to go downhill massively - he may have mental health problems but even so needs some parental input but his dad is basically scared of him - and again, doesn’t like confrontation!

Terrible teens are a taboo on facebook (and everywhere else).

You got to choose your battles and ignore a lot. That said, if he is very rude and disobedient, your best move is to withdraw all perks and pocket money (for a long time). If he has a job start charging him, tell him to stick to a few house rules or he will have to find other accommodations. Most important of all, whatever you do or say stick to it. Ask your dh to either support you or say nothing at all. I really think your dh is a major problem, your ds knows his attitude.

So sorry for you. He might positively benefit if you evict him? Sink or swim, he is in the adult pool. You need advice. Possibly, with information to strengthen you, you could bring in boundaries far more easily with a healthy single male adult, just as you would with any lodger. After he is 18, the Domestic Abuse law is behind you if you are threatened or frightened in your own home.

Seriously, consider practical moves. A pre-emptive strike, taking on a room for him with a landlady, and letting his room to a lodger of your own, would give both of you a holiday from the tension. Notoriously, teenagers are fine with others and evil at home (think of the Enfield Kevin!) You don't need to pay his rent, other than probably the first month and deposit. He can find out his income and housing options for himself. Tough love is important love.

(But it is harder for single parents, or even for re-partnered parents whose partners hesitate to be firm. The thing they miss out on is someone to say furiously "Don't You D.A.R.E. speak to your mother like that.")