Do you think your children/teenagers actually like you?

[Littleideasbigbook]

I have a 17, 13 and 9 year old. Two sons and my youngest is my daughter.

At the moment all three of them are pretty much verbally telling me they hate/dislike me on a daily basis. Eldest DS is very angry and self harming which I have asked for professional help with. The youngest two also tell me to shut up/call me an idiot a lot. They have direct consistent consequences for doing this and know boundaries but push them anyway. House rules in place. Lots of talks about respect etc. It isn't sticking. I tell them I love them and spend lots of time with them doing family things, parks, walks, bike rides, take them on holiday. They are not spolit but they have lots of experiences rather than gifts. Thry have guitar lessons, football and horseriding as their passions and I support them by paying for it and running them to the activity. I left the younger two's dad after he broke my ribs 6 years ago after years and years of being controlled and battered. I have been poor because of this but retrained and now working FT, met my current DP three years ago. He moved in at the end of 2019, they love him, always talk about how calm and kind he is. But because I parent them, they aren't keen on me. Anyone else feel that their DC just do not like them? It may be a personality thing? I am quite analytical and empathetic with people, I think they see me as weak because I am caring (I work in a hospital working with children). Feeling pretty low about it all tbh. To the point where last night I thought maybe they would be happier if I just got on with it and died?

"... last night I thought maybe they would be happier if I just got on with it and died?"

No. They wouldn't. And deep down, you know that @Littleideasbigbook ! They're pushing boundaries to see how far they can go, and because you're "the parent" - you get the brunt of it, I'm afraid.

I have a 24 year old daughter and a 16 year old son. Both regularly call me "a weirdo" and talk down to me. Neither like the fact that I call a spade, a spade - or that I have opinions that don't necessarily tally with theirs. I'm the only parent they have (my ex likes to be our son's friend as opposed to his father, and rarely saw him even before covid! He also hasn't seen DD since she was 10, as she refused to have anything to do with him - he cheated, got the OW pregnant, didn't come clean until his mother forced him to tell me, on the day his girlfriend gave birth!) and as such, I'm the one whom they test out their attitudes upon. I have firm boundaries, but my oldest has severe MH issues and my youngest has switched off from school (he's Yr 11). There have been arguments galore about unsuitable (red flag waving) boyfriends, curfews, medication taking, homework, zoom lessons... and I've borne the brunt of their frustration and rage concerning lockdown (it was just the 3 of us in the house). At the end of the day, though - I'm their parent, not their friend. I don't expect them to like me, because I'm the one who "spoils [their] fun" by insisting that chores be done, or homework completed, or jobs applied for (daughter's been made redudant and is dragging her feet about finding new work, expecting me to "carry" her with minimal input on her side). I didn't like my parents until I hit my late 30s. The same goes for most of my friends.

Do their see your ex at all? What's his parenting like? Is he their father, or their friend - and might this be where their attitude towards you/your being their actual parent, is coming from?

@contrary13 thank you so much for your response. It has made me feel so much better especially the 'spoiling their fun' comment. I can't be their friend, they need a parent and as you say I will have to get on woth and accept that. Yes, the youngest two still see their dad but he us a very hands off parent. He doesn't make demands re bathing, eating etc and they just amuse themselves as he lives in a huge house. I am sorry to hear of your dd's struggles with MH. I think its really hard to manage. You sound so mature and together about it. I really appreciate your time

Aw - they really really wouldn’t be happier. They love you. They may not like you too much all the time. But it’s your job to give them boundaries, guidelines, show them stuff and turn them into decent adults. It’s tough and unrewarding - I think the problems start when parents start to worry too much about being liked or get too emotional in arguments or don’t stick to deals and boundaries. Stay calm in your requests and instructions, be fair, measured, agree house rules, let some minor things go and stick to others. They will be so grateful to you and for what you’ve done once they’ve matured a bit. But don’t take it personally. They’re just being rude and the young one is probably copying. Maybe try and do some nice things separately with her. You sound amazing! X

I want to echo what everyone else has said, they definitely wouldn't be happier without you. I completely understand though, and often wonder how long it would take for them to miss me if I just left. A weekend is definitely not long enough, and I suspect a week isn't either. I reckon a full month without me and they might notice, when they've run out of clothes and food and the novelty of being grown up and independent has worn off. I've just had a horrible sunday roast, which after I'd spent the time preparing and cooking, we pretty much ate in silence after a row. For once it wasn't my fault, but DD13 was asked 3 times to take off my white handwash only jumper before eating and when she continued to sit there and pick at her food with her fingers smirking in it, my DH told her off in a v sharp voice. Cue DD15 chipping in with "you can't talk to us like you're a headmaster when you're at home" (his job). Whole meal ruined. Beans on toast for them next week I think.

I'm so fed up of seeing gloriously unrealistic happy family posts on here/FB/insta. I came on here to write a "my children are bastards and hate me" post but you got there first. I'm clinging to the fact that I remember my mum saying "that's the last roast I'm cooking" on a fairly regular basis, but now I'd do anything to have a meal cooked by her 😭. Maybe when our kids grow up they will come back to us. Until then, I'm trying to keep myself busy doing things I want to do, rather than doing things for them.

@sweetief - if it's any consolation, I've just refused to cook dinner for my pair, after they failed to do their chores/were insolent to me. Apparently they've both decided that they've "never liked"/"can't stand" the food I bought for dinner today (chicken breasts, which I was going to put a cheese/mayo mix on top of and then crushed crisps - their favourite dish, as it so happens...), so I've told them they're old enough to fend for themselves and to get on with it. Currently, eggs are boiling and a ready meal is in the oven. I could hear them sniping about me as they sorted themselves out, but... meh. I have thick skin. And at least they'll eat something tonight... I guess.

The 24 year old is stroppy because I suggested to her that she might like to stop waking one of the 12 week old kittens she brought into the house (she does this - 4 years ago, she arrived home with an 8 week old puppy, whom she rapidly lost interest in, and who is now my shadow) and certainly to stop kissing her on the nose/mouth area of the kitten's face! She won't accept that I'm not paying for the inevitable vet's bills when the kitten gets sick through lack of sleep (the other kitten has decided that the dog is mum and steers clear of everyone else) or a chest infection from daughter's snotty nose. Partly because I can't afford to, right now, if I'm going to have to carry her - but mostly because they're her responsibility, not mine! I already have an elderly cat to trip over in the middle of the night, I didn't need kittens added to the chaos!

The 16 year old "hates" me, because I'm "a fucking weirdo" who "doesn't understand" that he's without his precious cell'phone (he broke it, and it's off being mended), and how he "needs" to borrow mine to text his friends from. Which... no. Absolutely not. Highly inappropriate, and I definitely don't want them having my number! Also, I suspect he threw the 'phone onto something with some force, or solidity because the screen is smashed. This is the 4th time in 18 months this has happened, and I don't appreciate having to constantly sort it out, but... I am the parent, so I have little choice.

@Littleideasbigbook, we all feel like you do. We all have days where our children despise us... and we're left feeling pretty much the same about them (despite still loving them, of course). It's normal. The one thing which I found that helped, was literally saying "okay, if you don't like (the Sunday dinner you've been begging me to make for ages/having to do your chores/the fact that your washing hasn't been done, as you ignored me asking you to fetch it from the depths of the pit you sleep in, several times)... sort yourselves out!". Perhaps that wouldn't work with your youngest - but the older two are certainly old enough to fend for themselves (under discreet supervision, of course) every now and then. We're mothers, not martyrs. We have to put our own MH and self-worth first, once in a while, otherwise it'll explode out of us and genuine rows ensue. I'm sure you don't want that - and, really... neither do they!

Your ex sounds very much like mine in the aspect of letting them run wild/not parenting/showing no interest in them whatsoever. My son is supposed to see his father every other Saturday for 9 hours. Frequently, though, he's either decided not to go (at the last minute... refusing to tell them, leaving that for me to do!), or has come back early. Ex is meant to feed him dinner, but frequently doesn't (and my son's like a bottomless pit of hunger at the best of times!), he's not allowed to make himself a snack in ex's house, he never sees his father one-to-one, always with his younger siblings in tow... and he's admitted to me that he feels pushed out and the odd one out. His grandmother is also hyper-determined to involve herself in his friendship groups, which gets on his nerves (understandably), and nags him about his school work to the point where I'm pretty sure she was/is the root cause of his suddenly switching off regarding his education (this pre-dates covid, so he can't even use the 7 months out of school as an excuse, I'm afraid!). When he was very young, the build-up to his seeing his father et al was horrendous - and so was the come-down from the brief visit. Now he's older, he votes with his feet - but still takes it out on me (he was there yesterday).

(because it does get easier... I hope! )