Scared for DS 15

[pootlepie123]

Also posted in Chat but think this is a more suitable place to post.

I am absolutely at the end of my tether with DS (15, year 11).

Short backstory, he has always been prone to internalised anxiety and became a school refuser for a time which combined with lack of support for dyslexia, resulted in him moving to a small independent school. He also saw a therapist for counselling. He wanted the move and seemed much happier.

However things have unravelled over the last year or so.
He has zero confidence in his academic ability and feedback from school suggests he may struggle to reach even a 4 in a lot of subjects. Not helped by making Very little effort with homework, despite being year 11. He also has some one to one support...we have literally thrown everything we have at trying to support him. I know he compares himself to majority of his cohort who are extremely able but doesn't seem to want to help himself. Has loosely said he wants to do A levels but hand on heart there is no way he would cope if he's struggling with even GCSEs.

Secondly he seems to have lost all interest in socialising or meeting friends. No extracurricular activities, no longer part of any sports. Just games or watches YouTube on his phone shut away.

Thirdly and most worrying of all is suspected drug taking. Not often but suspicions are there and involve the one friend he does still appear to want to spend time with. It's Prescribed medication. He flatly denies it but he has become increasingly secretive and I know something is going on (info passed via another parent).

We have tried time and time again to talk to him but we get nothing. Just shuts down and says everything is fine. He finally admitted to taking half a Ritalin tablet some months ago (pre lockdown) but nothing since (if you discount the vape gear we have just found). What has been relayed to me from the other parent contradicts this timing though and I have no reason to disbelieve her).

I am at my wits end, aside from being worried sick about him, if the school suspect drug use he will be expelled immediately,no questions asked. I've seen it before. So I can't even go to the school with my concerns.

My boy seems so lost and I don't know how to help him.

Awwww I really do feel for you. I can't offer much advice on a boy of that age but I was the same, I really drifted through school and came out okay. Now I am a workaholic and very happy in my chosen career. You sound like a caring mum I really do want to emphasize how normal this is for teenagers, everyone I know lost their way at some point in their adolescence / uni stage / stage of trying to work out what they wanna do. Teenage years are tough. One thing I can reccomend that helped me is to encourage anything that brings him joy as a family. My dad was always great at teaching me and my brother how to really love new things and un the end, even though I was reluctant to begin with I started to become much more well rounded and started to realise the value of experience and making memories. Get him out the house in any which way you can and live in the moment, it works I promise! I know it's so bloody tough with Corona and life in general but from someone who spent a year in and out of part time jobs and never leaving the house, it was a weekend that I was dragged along to climb Snowdon that I decided I wanted more from life. It doesn't have to be anything that major, even doing a challenge together like couch to 5 k might make him realise he has a passion for something. I think teenagers go like this when they are in that limbo of needing to be babied by their parents because school is only really set up to support those who know what they want to do, but it's the last thing any teenager will tell their parents so sometimes acting like everything is chilled and there isn't an issue/ plenty of time/ life is good regardless generates that feeling of abundance / motivation. Good luck he is lucky to have a mum who has noticed this and wants to help him x

@Butterflyqueen990

Awwww I really do feel for you. I can't offer much advice on a boy of that age but I was the same, I really drifted through school and came out okay. Now I am a workaholic and very happy in my chosen career. You sound like a caring mum I really do want to emphasize how normal this is for teenagers, everyone I know lost their way at some point in their adolescence / uni stage / stage of trying to work out what they wanna do. Teenage years are tough. One thing I can reccomend that helped me is to encourage anything that brings him joy as a family. My dad was always great at teaching me and my brother how to really love new things and un the end, even though I was reluctant to begin with I started to become much more well rounded and started to realise the value of experience and making memories. Get him out the house in any which way you can and live in the moment, it works I promise! I know it's so bloody tough with Corona and life in general but from someone who spent a year in and out of part time jobs and never leaving the house, it was a weekend that I was dragged along to climb Snowdon that I decided I wanted more from life. It doesn't have to be anything that major, even doing a challenge together like couch to 5 k might make him realise he has a passion for something. I think teenagers go like this when they are in that limbo of needing to be babied by their parents because school is only really set up to support those who know what they want to do, but it's the last thing any teenager will tell their parents so sometimes acting like everything is chilled and there isn't an issue/ plenty of time/ life is good regardless generates that feeling of abundance / motivation. Good luck he is lucky to have a mum who has noticed this and wants to help him x

Thank you Butterfly, I really appreciate your words. It really gives me hope that we can come through this.

You're absolutely right it's limbo land at that age and the problem is we seem to swerve between babying him and then losing it and upping the expectations to adult level. I see there isn't enough consistency in the messages we are sending. I suspect lockdown also had a huge impact on his MH. For a boy with school anxiety anyway it provided the perfect environment to shut himself away and even disconnect with friends. He would never admit that though, he says he loved lockdown.

I need to learn what are appropriate boundaries and how to enforce consequences, what I can reasonably let slide and finally level of realistic responsibility for a 15 year old. I assumed I knew how to do this but I don't

How did I get this so wrong

@pootlepie123

Also posted in Chat but think this is a more suitable place to post.

I am absolutely at the end of my tether with DS (15, year 11).

Short backstory, he has always been prone to internalised anxiety and became a school refuser for a time which combined with lack of support for dyslexia, resulted in him moving to a small independent school. He also saw a therapist for counselling. He wanted the move and seemed much happier.

However things have unravelled over the last year or so.
He has zero confidence in his academic ability and feedback from school suggests he may struggle to reach even a 4 in a lot of subjects. Not helped by making Very little effort with homework, despite being year 11. He also has some one to one support...we have literally thrown everything we have at trying to support him. I know he compares himself to majority of his cohort who are extremely able but doesn't seem to want to help himself. Has loosely said he wants to do A levels but hand on heart there is no way he would cope if he's struggling with even GCSEs.

Secondly he seems to have lost all interest in socialising or meeting friends. No extracurricular activities, no longer part of any sports. Just games or watches YouTube on his phone shut away.

Thirdly and most worrying of all is suspected drug taking. Not often but suspicions are there and involve the one friend he does still appear to want to spend time with. It's Prescribed medication. He flatly denies it but he has become increasingly secretive and I know something is going on (info passed via another parent).

We have tried time and time again to talk to him but we get nothing. Just shuts down and says everything is fine. He finally admitted to taking half a Ritalin tablet some months ago (pre lockdown) but nothing since (if you discount the vape gear we have just found). What has been relayed to me from the other parent contradicts this timing though and I have no reason to disbelieve her).

I am at my wits end, aside from being worried sick about him, if the school suspect drug use he will be expelled immediately,no questions asked. I've seen it before. So I can't even go to the school with my concerns.

My boy seems so lost and I don't know how to help him.

I could have wrote this post. I'm just going bed now so haven't read all the replies and haven't got much advice but wanted to hold your hand and see you are not alone