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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Trying to keep 13 yo on track

6 replies

mickeydonuts · 10/10/2020 08:30

DD has grown up over lockdown! Had a secretive boyfriend over summer which ended up in the pair sending nudes and nude videos to one other over insta. I found them on her iPad - contacted his mum and we had coffee, a cry and we deleted everything we could, decided to contact school for help to make sure we protect our children from it getting out at school and we both talked to our children. We didn’t go mad at our DD, explained the worry and danger, the age inappropriateness etc (had done this many times before it happened bte), she was in denial and angry at first but it got better and her and the boy are no more and as far as I’m aware it hasn’t emerged at school. Anyway, she is now having her head turned by anyone that shows an interest. The worst kid in the school, only yr 9, does drugs, has had sexual relationships with other girls, is now showing an interest. I talked to her about him and tried to gently tell her where it will end - her being the next one he gets with and then moves on - etc and she denied liking him, the usual stuff. Anyway she is texting him, no surprise, but I don’t know what to do. He calls her boo and uses lots of xxx’s and she, having been bullied for being shy all during primary school years, is loving the attention from such a fit bad boy! Problem is - she is currently grounded for lying and being disrespectful - when she is ungrounded she plans to see him. I can’t ground her forever but I’m not stupid enough to think for one minute he wants to read her poetry! Rock and hard place,

OP posts:
Lilactimes · 10/10/2020 14:24

So tricky. Sounds like a different way of showing her insecurities and lack of self esteem. Mine can tend to not go out and brush people off. It seems yours can accept poor behaviour in order to be accepted. I guess the long way out is to try and build her self esteem, value her opinion and read as many books on building self esteem and resilience in teens as you can. There are ways of talking to them, asking their opinions and praising very specifically eg “I could see you found ABC tough, I like the way you did XYZ to overcome it.. “
Hopefully if her self esteem is higher she will start to reject people who are “using her”. Good luck x

MrsRusselBrand · 15/10/2020 22:37

@mickeydonuts
I could have written your post !! I also have a Dd13 and she literally changed overnight about 3 months back . Phone issues , chatting to a load of boys she didn't know via tik tok , insta , Snapchat . She will give anyone who likes her attention , and she now has a BF she has never met , he has mental health issues , suicidal tendencies. She is saying to him she also has this , along with tics . She thinks it's a way to bond with him. We are very open and I have explained this is not how to help someone with MH issues . She is a lovely kid , she isn't the door slamming and eye rolling type , she is so sorry about her behaviour and I do worry that it's spilling over into her real life friendships as she is so consumed with online crap !!
I have done a self referral to cahms as I am way out of my depth here . Her white lies , lack of self esteem and obsession with her phone is a real worry. We did take the phone off her , and deleted all social media , she has now earned it back and some of her social accounts . But I feel like it's not changed her mindset . This has made me so sad and anxious .
Sorry OP , I don't have advice except to say that you're not alone and I guess this is the scary world of teenage angst they are navigating . It's such a different world from when we were young . I hope things get better!
Keep me posted . Any tips would be appreciated ! Smile

akkakk · 15/10/2020 22:40

simple - remove the phone / ipad
she is still a child and if she doesn’t have the maturity yet to use those devices then she doesn’t get them...

MrsRusselBrand · 20/10/2020 00:59

@mickeydonuts how are things ?

dreamingofFrance · 30/10/2020 13:57

I also have similar issues, it's so distressing... and at 13 :(

SecretOfChange · 30/10/2020 20:25

Similar stuff here. We had police involved due to underage sexual content. Got therapy through CAMHS. Started asd/adhd assessment. I wouldn't minimise the risks and I'd say that every parent in this kind of scenario needs significant support for themselves to get through it, too.

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