Angry DD 15

[Sweetchillijam]

This has been going on for months tried hard to keep communication channels open, tell her I love her, care about her, tried to talk to her many many times (in the car, during a walk, over a cake, in the house downstairs, in her bedroom, through her bedroom door etc) tried numerous ways of understanding and dealing with her bad attitude, laziness, dirtiness, disinterest in her appearance, couldn’t care less attitude to GCSE’s and school work, hatred and lack of respect for me etc etc but getting absolutely nowhere. Over the past few months I have wondered whether she maybe have autism, is affected by hormones/mood swings, stress with school covid and clarity on GCSE’s, what is bothering her, does she have an eating disorder, is she being bullied at school, online, is she depressed, gay, wants to be a man and tried different ways and racked my brains about how to help her but she doesn’t want to be helped and just maintains that she is fine hates me and wants me to go away. She refuses to go to the doctors or see a counsellor and refuses to admit their is anything wrong. She plays little or no part in family life we only see her at mealtimes or when she is rummaging for a snack. All she seems to care about is her best friend, her phone, ipad and chocolate. I am at my wits end with her. attitude and her bad behaviour on a daily basis it is really starting to affect my sleep, my mood, my self esteem, mental health our family life and my relationship with DH. She never ever apologises for her behaviour.
Last night I told her I would no longer be giving her lift to school (its only a 20 minute walk anyway. I started this to ensure she got to school ok after some ex friends were bullying her in year 8 and its just continued) she often doesn’t speak in the car or is angry, shouting, criticising me and swearing and never says thank you for the lift. I am day off today and after a rotten sleep I am staying in bed out of the way (first time ever). I always ensure her and DS are awake and up for school everyday (although they both have alarm clocks they have stopped using them) but after an awful nights sleep I said to DH he can deal with her this morning. I heard her creep downstairs and set off for school without any breakfast or saying bye to myself or DH (just to wind me us up and try and make me feel guilty and worried all day). Her bedroom is a complete pig sty with dirty underwear strewn about, damp towels on the floor, snack papers, crisp packets, crockery, stationary, schoolwork, clean clothes not put away etc. Any advice here please? DH says I/we should minimise our interactions with her and speak minimally to her and let her come to us.

Thanks all when I say interests she now has no interests but conversation is extremely difficult. She used to like to talk about art and dogs. But I can’t think of a single way to engage her in any conversation whatsoever. Whatever I try is quickly closed down with either a one word answer or a go away type comment. I suppose I mean she doesn’t seem interested in any topic of conversation rather than has no interests.

Hi, I could have written this post myself. I am at my wits end with my DD. I have two DD's, one is 18 and is a complete dream (pretty unusual i know), the other is almost 16 and a complete nightmare. She speaks to me like I am a bit of dirt on her shoe, she also speaks to my other DD like rubbish and my husband (not her dad). She is messy does nothing around the house and just generally rude. However, her dad who has done little to nothing through the years, she adores. Tbh I think a lot of her rudeness is coming from him and his input, he is toxic!!! She has no interest in school and if she doesn't pick up her ideas will end up failing all her gcses. She leaves school next May and I honestly think she believes she will get to lie in her bed all year. Her sister is so focused, studying for A-Levels and applying to University. I spend most days crying, I am at my wits end and feel like I have nowhere to turn to :(

Yes this is my DD too. After last Friday when I didn’t get up to give her a lift to school. She got up today and it was pouring down. I thought if she is civil or reasonable and asked for a lift I would give her a lift no problem but I am not going out of my way to force her into having a lift that she doesn’t appreciate to be ignored in the car or swore and or shouted at. I relented as she got to the door and said would you like a lift x. She just uttered no I’ll walk and she went out without breakfast and without a coat. I have being doing as DH suggested and not picking clothes up off her bedroom floor and closing her door which resulted in a mountain going in the wash this morning which I can’t get dry. She barely speaks to me at the table (yet because she hasn’t had an out and out blow out since Thursday night (as she was out with her friend on Saturday and spent the rest of her time in her bedroom) DH thinks she’s been ok. DH encouraged her and her brother to come out for a short walk with us and the dog yesterday afternoon which she did. She either walked ahead of us or snapped at me on the two occasions I tried to speak to her. If I asks what she would like for tea as she is a veggie with a very beige diet she either ignores me, snaps I’ll make my own which is usually either beans on toast, heinz tomato soup, a couple of bags of crisps or nothing. I think she is just killing time until Feb when she is 16 and can leave home but goodness knows what she expects to live on. Its awful.

I really feel your pain. My eldest daughter is so thoughtful and kind, but she doesn't even want to bother with her sister now. I say to my DD that every action has a reaction, when she asks why her sister is ignoring her. She kicks off every morning, won't get up on time, rooms a tip etc etc. I am working from home so I can take them to school, but like your DD she doesn't say thank you, just jumps out of the car and slams the door. It is totally destroying us all in the house. I can feel my mental health drop too. We are living in unprecedented times, I am working from home but hubby goes out to work and it does get lonely. Then you throw her attitude into the mix and I feel like cracking up!!! It is nice to come on here and it makes me realise I am not alone. The worst is she thinks her dad is wonderful. When she goes to his house, there are no rules or boundaries. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle.

Exactly. I am also working from home (but part time) DH her dad is also working from home, I am thankful he is there (as at times he has been peacemaker and had conversations with DD. He is very chill and doesn’t bother his backside much but DD seems to like him more and tolerate him much more than she does me nowadays which is hurtful. It is really affecting my health and getting me down. I am day off today but its been torrential rain all day so I have just sat and mulled over DD’s attitude and behaviour and haven’t really done much else.

Aww I totally feel your pain. It is so unfair, we try our best for them but as the old saying goes children don't come with a handbook!!! My DH isn't the father of my children, he is caught as if he would tell DD off, she goes crying to her dad and I end up with a barrage of rude text messages!!! She stayed with him a lot over the summer and he has no boundaries, doesn't set rules etc and is a first class manipulator and she thinks he is brilliant. As I say I didn't have anything like this with my 18 year old daughter (who doesn't bother with her dad), so this is all new to me.

Oh dear they know how to press our buttons. Your ex is probably trying to get back at you via DD and making things even worse (if thats possible). But as you say we don’t have a hand book, can only do our best and hope we all come out the other side ok.

Take care

PS DD has come home tonight very civil and chirpy in-spite of her physics teacher keeping them behind to hand out work and explain it. I am just enjoying it wile it lasts but I am sure it will only be short lived.

Lucky you my DD came home in fowl form. Went in to her bedroom and slammed the door. Then she phones me from her bedroom to ask what is for dinner. I give up :(