I will very shortly have 3 teenage sons. What do I need to know?

[BobMonroe]

I’m also divorcing their Dad - financial and emotional abuse. I feel he undermines my parenting for one thing.

Anyway, we had 3 boys very very close together. They’re currently almost teens and are gorgeous giggly loving little people, on the edge of puberty.

What do I need to know? What are your hard and fast tips? I’m suddenly aware this might be a big job! Will it all be alright?

They will eat you out of house and home!

They’ll stop giggling as much, eat you & everything in sight, smell alit, grunt but between those bits be utterly charming & amaze you at how they’re growing up.

They are still your lovely boys inside, even when they are wrestling a bit with who they are in the world, and what their role is in that world

That (I'm no medic, but this is my experience) they seem to have growth spurts in a sudden burst - they don't mean to knock things over an bump into things, but they genuinely lose that sense of 'where they are in space' when they don't know how long their arms are

It is excruciatingly painful (figuratively, not literally) when your voice breaks and you have no idea how it is going to come out of your mouth - often just at a time when "sounding cool" really matters.

They almost certainly will disappear off to their rooms for a couple of years when you only tend to see them when they come out for food. This is a really good time to keep talking and to keep listening.

My top tip, if you are making a new start anyway, is to establish a routine now, if you don't already do it, of sitting down together to eat your evening meal together every day, and have conversations about everything and nothing. Not questioning them about their lives necessarily, but talking in general terms - about something in the news or about "X, at work was telling me that at her ds's school this is happening. I didn't realise people did that, is it commonplace?" or "Y (your mate) was saying that her niece was offered alcohol at a party and she didn't really know what to do. What would you do in that situation?"....... or "Z (neighbour) was telling me about this, that she saw on the bus last week. I don't know what I would have done in that situation." etc etc etc, so there is always lots of discussion and time to think about situations that might occur some time in the future, before they ever arise, and before it is personal and seemingly about them or their friends.

Encourage them to peruse an interest with other friends outside school - sport, drams, Scouts, Air Cadets, Martial Arts, whatever. If you drive, do your utmost to take them there.

They will talk much more readily if you aren't 'face to face' "questioning them"..... being chauffeur is ideal.

I've been there. Somehow ushered three sons very close in age through their teens, and managed to come out the other side with them all still speaking to me Mine are now 26, 25 & 23 and they are just fab.

My advice: pick your battles is the main one. If you can let it go, do just that. They won't want to feel nagged - well, who does!

Have a few ground rules in place in the house. Mine were: all crockery and glasses returned to kitchen daily, change their beds once a week, empty their bins, and any dirty clothes not put in a laundry basket won't get done. Close the door on messy bedrooms, it doesn't matter.

Respect: towards parents and to each other.

Affection: teenage boys pull away, especially from their mothers, but they still need to know they are loved. If they won't tolerate hugs, an affectionate rub of their hair or touch on the back is enough. Hugs come back soon enough, and hugs from adult sons are the best

When mine come into the kitchen the first thing they do is open the fridge, even the two who've moved out do it every visit. Expect your food bills to go up. Teach them to cook, one dinner a week each in the school holidays.

Get them doing stuff round the house, good for them and for you. I used to make a list of jobs I wanted them to have done by the time I got home from work. The three of them would get competitive over who was doing what. Of course they'd leave it to the last minute and I'd arrive home to a flurry of activity, but it always got done without any much complaining.

Sorry, that was long

It'll be alright

This is a lovely thread - I have two boys , 2 and 5 - I'm listening and hope I remember!

Totally agree with everything @DramaAlpaca has written too.

Just what I did wit my teens - get them on a rota to cook the evening meal. Shut the door on the mess in the bedroom - they eventually come out the other side, it is one less thing to nag them about.

Great post from you as well, @BackforGood. I think between us we've covered most of the bases

I've only got one but he's become like Muttley either giggling to himself (anything not about school) or growling and muttering (anything re school).

Will eat lots and not much thought goes into it. Like I asked him would he like apple crumble and custard and he said maybe crumble and custard but no apple. I said why and he grabbed his tummy and DH pointed out DS had just eaten 5 apples in a row.

Communication is minimal though happy to discuss the news / animals. Still very loving though just not cuddly anymore. Has a secret stash of soft toys.

I read on here teenagers are arseholes. It's actually really helped, sometimes they are horrid and knowing that teenagers are arseholes stops me from wondering where I went wrong or taking things personally.

Buy shares in supermarkets.

Teenagers are giant toddlers.

Be prepared for tantrums, epic amounts of sleep, stubbornness and growth spurts.

They need reassurance, understanding and snacks.

I remember gritting my teeth a lot. My mantra was ‘Your children need the most love when they seem to deserve it the least.’

Fifteen was a particularly difficult age. But we got there, and DS1 (the more difficult of the two) cringes now at the age of 22.

They like boundaries. Sure, they'll push against them but secretly they like that you care enough to want them home by a certain time.

You cannot reason with a teenage boy. Something happens to their brain and they revert back to how they were when they were two and wouldn't eat two halves of a broken biscuit. They think they are right no matter how wrong they are and there is no reasoning with them. Just nod and smile. Or that might just be my DSs.