Anxious and not going to school

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DD14 has recently stated in Y10.

She has always been a slightly anxious person, but we are now at the stage where she is unable to leave the house, and most of the time her room. In Y8 & Y9 she had days where she felt she couldn’t go in, and she seemed to struggle with self led learning, and with anything unstructured, plus anything where attention was drawn to her was completely off limits.

She used to have “meltdowns” though maybe looking back they were panic attacks, from being quite young, and until about 18 months ago she would become violent towards me when she was in this meltdown - I have been punched, kicked, head butted.

She is a lot taller than me, and was tall from a young age, she went though puberty at 9, and had issues with her kidneys and bladder , all of this led to her being with a consultant for a number of years, and on medication to stay dry in the day and at night.

Lockdown she has been fine, but hardly went out. First few days back at school were fine, and then it’s rapidly gone down hill. Last Sunday nigh she had a panic attack at the thought of going to school and (verbally) lashed out at me. She said she would sooner die than go back to school, or self harm rather than go to school - so no school on Monday. We had much of the same on Monday evening, and I found myself getting very distressed.

I reached out for help, and people have been great. The GP have referred to CAHMS, the school are referring to an early intervention team to work with her, schoo have said quite clearly “ we’ll get her health sorted , and attendance and GCSEs will follow”, the school counsellor has been really great ... and I have had lots of support from other quarters.

I have come to realise is that the issue isn’t really school, it’s leaving the house. I am trying to get her out the house everyday, but it’s hard. I have done a lot if reading and it seems to be that I need to get her to do the thing she us scared off in order to prove there us nothing to be scared of, but she can’t / won’t try. She also won’t talk to me about her fears and just tells me to “go away”

She has private maths and English tutor, and us accessing school work online, she talks to her friends in school most days ... I’m just scared that this situation will never change, that she won’t get her GCSEs and do what she wants to in life (work in science) . I also feel useless, and that the whole situation is my fault.

People keep telling me that this time will pass, but it doesn’t feel like it ... I’m just sat here feeling sick because tomorrow is Monday and she will be missing more school.

If anyone has even through something similar I would appreciate any thoughts / stories / advice

Thanks

Its shit isnt it. My DS had something similar, but rather than lashing out, he would freeze. We got professional help and he took about 2 years to work through it, but seems to be getting to grips with his anxiety now. I think the key is to remember anxiety is an illness, it needs proper professional help (counseling, seeing a psychiatrist to get medications) and firm love from you.
But you are correct the only way to get past it is to face it head on.

It is very difficult because the nature of the beast that is anxiety, is that they will do anything rather than face it... which is why you need professional help

On a small scale at home, try and get her to acknowledge her fears and then try and take one small step towards facing them down each day.

So if she agrees she finds going outside stressful, maybe she can manage going into the garden for 10 mins once a day. Then when that is easier, try twice a day. Then when that is easier, stepping outside the front door for 10 mins etc etc.

My daughter had a very bumpy start to year 10. She often school refused in the first term. I’m sure it’s even harder now for them with all the Covid rules.
I’m sure she will come through it, especially if she knows she’s loved by you.
Some solutions we eventually came up with ....
Daughter dropped a GCSE and did 8 not 9.
This gave her a bit of free time in the week and stopped her feeling so overwhelmed and stressed.

She went on the pill as her moods had been very low around her periods. It really seemed to help.

She saw a Private psychologist even though she hated it. Partly because I felt she couldn’t just say she was too anxious to go to school without something being done to fix it. Two different psychologistS both said they felt she hadN’t built enough resilience, yes she was nervous but not in an extreme mentally ill way and she just needed to know she had to go.
It’s a really tough time and I feel for you but I’m sure you will get there x

Sorry just reading your post again - re leaving the house bit too. My DD v similar in this area too. I just pushed her to take the dog out every day. Often with me and then on some days she’d go on her own. Just kept taking small steps. It’s worth getting a psychological evaluation.

How is she spending her time whilst at home?

Thank god I'm big alone.
My daughter was groomed on line 2 years ago. She is 14 and now in year 10. She gets bullied at school and last week I had an emergency CAMHS and she told them she wants to die.
She hasnt been to school since last wednesday and refusing to go next week and says if I send her she will kill herself.
I have been refused a place at another school and as full which has made her worse. I'm not sure whst else to do. Km terrified I will get a fine. But i dont want to send her. I'm ill over it all. Cant sleep or eat or anything.

Have you considered whether you're daughter may have Autism?
My dd was not diagnosed until she was 15 - but looking back it explains a lot.
Girls present differently from boys which is why they are offer at senior school or older when diagnosed.

Thanks so much for all your responses. It’s so comforting to know I am not alone

She had a meeting with the school counsellor who told me that she has a huge fear of failure, and feels pressure around GCSEs. She also told me that DDs coping mechanism is to withdraw and that this is now fairly entrenched. School seem to think It’s a “going to school” issue, I think it’s a “leaving the house” issue

I wrote to each of her teachers last week and explained what’s happening ... and had the loveliest messages back. They have also messaged DD on the online learning system, sending really encouraging messages.

She is doing schoolwork at home ... Not full time, but, she’s getting work done, and school seem ok. Still waiting on the CAHMS appointment. I’m giving her some herbal tablets that are supposed to help you keep calm.

I have thought about ASD or ADD... and when I look at symptoms she can tick lots of boxes - which is probably why it’s best to let the professionals get on with it.

Someone from the council has rung about “parenting strategies” ...I think school had to refer due to the absence - so I’ll be interested into what they have to say.

She watched a lot of You Tube, and plays games online with school friends - I can hear them all chatting.

She certainly seems calmer without the pressure to go to school every morning . School are ok with her being at home at the moment .. and I was making myself ill

I do feel really sad for her, because she prepares to leave in the evening ...gets her stuff ready... but just can’t get out the house

I am looking at getting a dog, prices are extraordinary at the moment though .

My dd suffered terribly with anxiety and depression and just couldn't go to school for nearly all of Year 11. Previously she'd been an academic high flyer but she would push herself so much and was so harsh on herself that it resulted in her being completely overwhelmed, also terrible fear of tests and failure.

She's gone back now for Year 12, even without GSCEs. Still struggling and not able to do a full programme and not one that will allow her to go straight on to uni but much much better than she was before and going to school which is what is important.

I know that feeling of heartbreak to see your dd not able to go to school. And the feeling of panic as to what will happen.
I would say keep pushing (gently). She needs to know you see school as important. But do prioritise her mental health and if she really can't do it, then allow her that space. Obviously don't punish her for staying home but do try to make home a bit boring and not fun. She'll need to push past the anxiety and you need to help incentivise that while supporting her to do it and it can be harder if staying home is a very attractive option in addition to the anxiety related issues.

Try and work with her (or a psychologist) to pinpoint what is causing the anxiety. See if reducing her courseload will make a difference. Maybe drop GCSEs? I know it is frustrating if she's able to do more but better she stays in school and focuses on just a few she's good at. She can still do well.

However, try not to panic about school if she doesn't go. Yes, there are consequences for missing school but nothing is final, they can catch up. It's good she's self studying, my dd got to the point where even that was too anxiety provoking - she literally did not study for nearly all of Year 11. My dd also wants a career in science and she'll either repeat Year 12 and do a full programme or do a foundation year or something like that. It'll take her another year but she'll get there - her mental health is the priority and time IS a great healer.

Good luck. It's a tough road with these smart but overly anxious and sensitive kids.