Advice for dd age 16 in first relationship

3 replies

EmilyJo · 02/10/2020 10:47

Hi, just posting for some advice on a situation my dd is in. I know I should probably keep out of it, but I hate seeing my dd upset! She’s been going out with her boyfriend for sixth months. He’s just turned 17 and he’s always been a flirt with other girls. He tried talking to my dd last year when he was going out with his previous girlfriend, but she said she wouldn’t get involved with him until his relationship ended. He duly broke up with his girlfriend and my dd started seeing him. He has been around to our house since lockdown eased and seems smitten with our dd and has treated her well. We have welcomed him into the house and let them hang out together. The relationship hasn’t become sexual yet - I have given my dd ‘the talk’ and my dd is comfortable talking to me about her relationship and I don’t over pry!

She has been a bit morose and not eating and when I asked her if there was anything wrong this morning, she told me that another girl who used to attend the same school as my dd and her boyfriend has posted two pictures of herself and dds boyfriend on her ‘private’ Snapchat story (one yesterday and one today)saying she misses him. One is an old picture of the two of them from school, but another is a picture from recently when dds boyfriend said he had met this other girl when he’d bumped into her at the shops (my dd knew about the meeting). The photographs are not of them cuddling, but show them together. I know this girl was one of the girls he used to talk to when he was going out with his ex girlfriend. This girl also has a bit of a reputation for talking to boys with girlfriends. My dd cannot see this girl’s private story, so found out about the first picture from another friend and the boyfriend told her about the second one. My dd is not possessive and does not check on who her bf is talking to. She hasn’t confronted him about why the girl is posting the pictures, but mentioned that she might message this girl and tell her to back off. What advice would you give to your dd or would you stay out of the situation?

OP posts:

sharpeidiem · 02/10/2020 16:40

Hi OP! I don't have a daughter yet, but I'm not too far off your daughter's age (I don't know if that makes my opinion more or less helpful haha!)

If I'm honest I would advise her that most of the time, the way you get them is the way you lose them. It's a hard thing to hear, but if he was willing to speak to your DD while in a relationship with someone else then he may be just as able to speak to someone else while in a relationship with your DD. She can confront him about it if she'd like to, but unless she thinks she's actively in love with him, it may be best for her to cut her losses (though obviously not advising you said this in those words, as it might upset her).

Ultimately I think the best thing you can do is let her own make her choices, but comfort her throughout it. So since she's having a rough time right now, you could take her out for a nice treat as a "first boyfriend blues" bonding moment. But I'd say she'll only be able to end things on her own terms (or make it work on her own terms too, I suppose!). The only thing you can do is avoid being presumptious, and continuing to let her know she's loved and supported by you through what you say and how you behave when she's either high or low. You seem to have a great relationship though, so well done! It's great she knows she can talk to you about anything xx

Original poster

EmilyJo · 02/10/2020 20:39

Thanks very much @sharpeidiem. Your advice is just what I needed to hear. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. It’s tricky as a mum sitting back and watching her go through a bad time, but I agree she has to work things out for herself.

She’s not talked about the situation again today and I haven’t asked. We’ve had a trip to the shops and pizza for tea. I know she’ll want to invite him round this weekend, so I’ll bite my tongue! He’s always been more keen on her than she is on him, so I know she’s not absolutely head over heels in love with him, but lockdown definitely brought them closer together. She dislikes a lot of the girls in her old friendship group from school and my dd and him have developed a very strong friendship and talk all the time, which I don’t think she would want to give up at the minute. She is starting to make a few new friends at college which is a distraction - but because of the increased lockdown restrictions there’s not the social life which normally comes with being in Year 12. Hopefully she will know herself when the right time is to call it a day.

OP posts:

sharpeidiem · 02/10/2020 20:49

@EmilyJo

Thanks very much *@sharpeidiem*. Your advice is just what I needed to hear. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. It’s tricky as a mum sitting back and watching her go through a bad time, but I agree she has to work things out for herself.

If you have any sway in the matter (sometimes tricky with teenagers) I'd say it might be good to try and convince her not to message the girl. It might end up causing more problems for your DD in the long run, particularly if her and the boyfriend don't work out.

Either way, she'll do what she thinks is right, and it'll either be a learning experience or a happy relationship! Based on what you've said though it seems like you've raised a bright spark, and she seems like the type to be able to make reasonable choices. Good luck with the sheperding ;) x

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