DD13 so unhappy at school

[Louise511]

My daughter is now in year 8 of secondary school: she has just turned 13. She didn't know anyone there when she started and really struggled to make friends in her first year - which was then disrupted by Covid-19. For context, I am a single parent, she's an only child and she goes to a girls' state school in east London.

DD was a different child during lockdown - content, relaxed, sociable (online with old friends) and happy. At school, no-one seems to like her enough to be her friend. There is no overt bullying (well not that she labels as bullying) but no-one seems to want to know her. She spends her breaks and lunchtimes alone and is so very sad and low when she gets home. I find it hard to understand, as she is a fun-loving, compassionate girl - I'd have befriended her like a shot when I was that age. Her long-standing family friends adore her. Sadly, none of them live in London, so she doesn't really have a support network outside of school either.

I have been in contact with the school - who moved her into another form two weeks ago (at my request). I know it is early days, but nothing seems to have changed - except possibly she feels more hopeless and anxious than before.

I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience or any thoughts about this situation. It is breaking my heart to see her suffer like this. I often wonder whether her life would be nicer outside of London....

Change school to one where some from her primary went?

Sadly you can't make friends for her

Your poor DD.

Have you spoken to school and asked them how she is getting on? I know she moved forms but are her teachers aware of her unhappiness?

I think I'd look at clubs and activities outside of school where she may make friends.

We’re going through something very similar with dd who is also in year 8. I know I’m her mum but honestly she is such a lovely girl but fails to keep her friendships for long, the other girls are all forming little groups but dd is never included. I asked the year head if she can move dd into another form class but she has said no and says because of Covid they are to stay in the bubble groups. This is obviously making it harder as she can’t even try to make new friendships. It breaks my heart because she is so sweet and lovely but the very confident and loud girls seem to be the ones to attract the crowds.
For what it’s worth op, we are 60 odd miles away from London and more rural than city and it’s no better. My friends dd in the year above has the same issue.

It’s heartbreaking, I know. We’ve been through a similar thing with dd1, now in year nine. Her old primary school friends were really mean to her last year. Christ knows why. We encouraged her to make new friends in her new classes but she’s so shy and self conscious now. They did sort of all get together again. An old friend started at the school and that’s changed the dynamic. She’s still very wary of them though.

Some people really struggle with high school. My dd has lovely friends outside of school but it’s just a different culture in the classroom.

I am so sorry to read this. We are in Devon and I could have written your post word for word. My DD has now said she would like to try a different school. She said she has nothing to lose, and she may be able to make friends in a new environment. The school is also failing her academically so it makes sense to move. Your daughter sounds a lovely girl. Maybe ask school again if they can offer her any support specifically with making friends. Could she be sat next to some girls in class whom your daughter feels comfortable with and would like to be friends with? It sounds like maybe all of her teachers need to be aware as she needs a bit of tlc and her self esteem boosting. I really hope things improve for her soon.

Thank you all for your replies. It’s cold comfort to learn other girls have gone through /are going through the same thing - but helps me to feel less alone with this.

I’m going to talk to the school again - they seem to feel that having moved her, their intervention is complete. Her old form teacher didn’t even wish her good luck with her move, and I’ve no idea whether the new teacher understands the reason for her moving. Certainly, there doesn’t seem to have been any thought given as to how to help her integrate into the class.

I’m all too aware that I can’t make friends for her - I just find it so hard to understand why other children ‘try her on for size’ and then don’t want to know. It makes me so sad.

This was my daughter in year 8, even down to moving forms. It ended up with us moving her school early in year 9 as she started saying she no longer wanted to go to school.
She's now in year 11 and is a much happier person for the move. I just wish that I'd listened to her at the beginning of year 8 and didn't make her go there for another year when she wasn't happy.

It’s great to hear that things got better for your daughter. It’s hard to imagine things changing right now, so it’s lovely to know there’s hope. Every night my dd is in tears, struggling to understand why no one wants to hang out with her.

Did you move your daughter to a school where she knew anyone? I’m terrified that now DDs confidence is so low that she will not to bc able to cope with a new school - even though that is what she is along for. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best

is your daughter an ethnic minority at her school ? i just wondered as it is a girls' school, in east London.
but whether or not, i think you should move her.
they don't sound particularly caring or interested pastorally.
perhaps somewhere smaller ?
i gather that she wants to move. don't make her go somewhere that is agony for her, which it must be, weeping every night.
imagine you had to go to a workplace that made you feel like that; would you stay ?

Year 8 is a brutal year for girls and having skipped half of year 7, a teacher friend says it's worse for this year 8 cohort. The jostling for position and hierarchy seems to be awful from what I've heard.
I have other DC and it wasn't as bad for them.
It seems feral at my year 8's school despite being a highly regarded school. This lockdown has been a pain for kids' development.

I'm sorry to hear of your daughter's struggles.
I just wanted to say there are two aspects of this - what happens at school and how you deal with it.
You seem to have a plan to ask for more pastoral support from school but I just wanted to offer an opinion on moving schools - I understand your worry about your DDs self esteem at this point but remember you are in the equation too. It can be a wonderful thing for her to be validated - talking about/exploring the option of moving schools tells your DD you see her, recognise she's in pain and she doesn't have to stay like this. That's a huge boost to someone's self esteem, to know they are worth being happy and actually I think it can be a really good life lesson about making changes rather than pushing your feelings down and suffering and how she deserves to feel better.
It's really tough and I'm not advocating one way or the other particularly, I just think it's easy to see moving schools as really negative and a bit of a failure, when it could also be a really positive way to remind your DD how important her happiness is to you and making changes in life can be hard but ultimately she deserves to be happy.

My DD was very unhappy at her all girls school in London in y7, we stuck it out for the year but still unhappy at the end.

We moved to the countryside with a new school and she was much happier and made friends easily. There was volatility in the friend group but she always managed to find a group of friends, the boys were a much more stable friendship group than the girls so she ends up friends with boys a lot.

If they are open joining school clubs may help or after school activities. My DD does air cadets now and made friends there as well as at youth club, both closed due to covid. But if it works for you generally I would consider moving schools and even areas. I would discuss things with her, important thing is to keep listening to her so she knows she's got you at least. Sounds like you're a very caring Mum.

@Louise511 she knew no one at the school we moved her to. We moved her from an all girls school with 1400 pupils to a much smaller coed school.

@Louise511 I meant to say that her self esteem was at an all time low before we moved her. She still has self esteem issues but I dread to think what would have happened to her mental health if she'd stayed at her old school.