How do you get teenagers to talk about what's worrying them?

[sweetief]

I have always thought that I am a really open person and able to talk about anything and everything. I felt I was raising my daughters to know that they could talk to me. However the reality is that they can't. If Dd1 (15) is worried about something she completely shuts down. When I try to talk she snaps that she's fine and "just tired". I can tell immediately when she's worried but she will not open up to me about anything serious. I know she's stressed now as DH has just been told to get a test tomorrow (sore throat and slight cough, but the app told him to go) and she's practically bitten my head off. I can't bear it - I just want to be able to have a sensible conversation with her to reassure her, but she won't let me anywhere near her and everytime I try, I make it worse. Anyone know how to break through?

Stop trying. She'd talk to you if she wanted to.

It is very hard, they will open up eventually.

I always found the car helped, they opened up better when there was no eye contact,

Long car ride. Its the only way I have any sort of decent conversation with my two teens.

Car journeys are the biggest source of arguments with my teenage dd as I try and talk and she shuts down completely. Sounds sad but I have started texting /wattsapping and that seems to work better.

I can let her know I am worried about her without having much come back as she can reflect on it and then come and talk to me when she feels like it. I am not saying its perfect but it can work for us. Good luck, I know how you feel, its so hard

Agree car journeys are the best in this household too. Just make it clear ahead of asking that you will listen calmly to whatever she's going to say. If they are scared of how you will react they won't tell you anything.

I have no idea, but I'm placemarking so that I can hopefully learn something from other posters.

If you have a dog, take it for a long walk together. If you don't, borrow one and take it for a long walk together. Everything will just slip out.

Have a jigsaw on the go somewhere. Bowed heads, no eye contact, long busy silences, distraction - they open up. Car journeys (side by side, no eye contact, music on - especially of their choice) - also good.

Oh OP I feel your pain! I am a very open, chatty person and my DD and DS2 are the same, but DS1 (nearly 15) never talks to me about anything. If he was miserable or worried or being bullied I wouldn't have a clue.

But at the end of the day, I think we have to accept that our children have their own personalities and we can't change them.

With your DD, I think maybe you need to change your mindset slightly. Your post comes across as if you strongly believe that your method (of talking about things) is the 'right' one while hers is 'wrong' (eg when you mention 'breaking through'). While I personally agree with you that talking about stuff often helps, we must acknowledge that this may not be the case for some personality types (eg my DH, who I guess my DS1 takes after). You are assuming that talking will make her feel better, but maybe it actually makes her feel worse?

As long as you have made it clear that she can come and talk to you whenever she chooses to, that's all you can do. If it gets to a point when you are really worried about her, maybe consider arranging counselling for her so she can share her worries with a neutral third party.

I think you have to back off. You can’t make her want to talk to you and you trying to force it could be making her want to keep you at arms length. As long as she knows that you are there for her if and when she needs you then that should be enough. You may find that when you’re not trying to coax stuff out of her that she might come to you off her own accord more freely.

Thanks all. You're right, I need to back off. I take it too personally, I know. Unfortunately we can't take the dog for a walk, or head out in the car, as we're having to isolate until DH gets his results back. Not that she'd walk the dog with me anyway! I guess I just need to give her space.

I didn't talk to parents on occasions as nothing was taken seriously that I said. It's easy as an adult to dismiss the feelings of some else when you yourself have learned to deal with those feelings and find them easy.