Yet another terrifying stage...

[Ifeelmuchlessfat]

Ok so my dd14 who is desperate to grow up - loves partying, sleepovers, tried a bit of booze, snogging etc, probably some vaping, now has found something else to terrify me. Her friend has a young cousin who has been driving them around our town this evening. I think she’s forgotten I can track her on an app and saw them moving. I went to pick her up and she’s not telling me about it so obviously knows I’d really not approve.
So... what to do? If I forbid her to go in his car I alienate her from her friends, but I’m not happy with her being driven by some young lad (who whizzed off at 90mph)...
I was of a similar mindset as a teenager but much worse, and very lucky. Any advice?

14!!!!

No way would I allow this and I'm a very relaxed Mum.

Some things are not negotiable and this is one of them.

Absolutely no way I would allow it and she would be in massive trouble for not letting me know where she is. My Dd1 is nearly 16 and I have a 14 year old boy so talking from experience, you need to set strong boundaries.

I too was much worse than your daughter at her age, but that wouldn’t stop me being terrified about her getting into a car with a wannabe boy racer! It’s difficult though because if you ground her for it she will only do it behind her back, so you will need to sit her down and spell out the dangers, showing videos of serious car accidents and the injured if need be.

Ok thanks for all your responses. I agree with you, I’d just like some practical advice as to how to manage this.
I can talk to her and show her videos etc but that won’t stop the “that won’t happen to me” attitude.
I can ground her, but she attends a different school to this group so already tends to feel isolated, and they’re her best friends. Really don’t want to increase the chances of her feeling left out etc

Can you imagine being a 14 yo in this situation, wanting to go because it’ll be fun, all your friends are going and begging you to come? It would take incredible maturity and self sacrifice to say, ‘no it’s ok thanks, my mum doesn’t want me to go in a car with you, I’ll get the bus...’

As Angelina says, it’s difficult. I’m prepared to be considered a bitch, but realistically I’m not going to be able to prevent every possible incidence if she wants to go. I need to find a way of ensuring that she actually doesn’t want to.

Really don’t want to increase the chances of her feeling left out etc
I feel this is your problem.
She's going off the rails - booze at 14, joyriding with an older boy around town - and you're worried about her popularity if you stop her..
We know a girl who has been in a wheelchair since her late teens after being in a crash driven by teen friends. Some of the group died.
So I'd prefer to set firm boundaries and make it clear she can't do any of the above until she's able to support herself.

Can you advise strongly against, show the dangers as mentioned, always wearing a seat belt,no getting in if hes had a drink,smoked a joint etc what i think is more worrying though is him.wanting to.hang around these girls who are under 16 has he no friends his own age ? Are you friendly with the girl who's cousin it is?

Not sure if this helps but I always watch true crime programs on TV, and a few times my DD-15yo, happened to be in the lounge with me, watched too- she was terrified she said she thought these things happened in the films it is more terrifying that these are real people- it was 'evil online' on Crime Investigation channel- since then she acts more cautious, doesn't mind me tracking her when she is out and about. Think it was sort of a reality check!

Corona Virus? Social Distancing? She should be at home, not running around town with friends.

And 14? FMD.

It's parents like you, that allow their young teenagers to roam wild that make our streets a nightmare.

I think it's a bit harsh to say she's 'going off the rails'. Nobody has a crystal ball
She is, however, pushing the boundaries and doing what plenty of teens do (and come out the other side).
If she is a teen who is willing to take risks more than others (and it does sound that way) I think your best bet is to have a conversation with her about absolute no no's. and one of these should be getting in a car with teenage lads. My own dd16 pushes the boundaries massively but when she went out to a town 20 miles away and said she would get a lift home with 'Tom'(who the hell is Tom?) I point blank refused and went to pick her up at 2am 💤. She knows, that if I offer to do this, I must really, really not want her to get in that car.
It's tough, it really is, when you have a 'naughty' teen.
Good luck!

That evil crime program idea is very good.