DD confused about sexuality

[Twobigsapphires]

Was on a walk with my DD last week and the topic of boys / relationships came up. She’s a very studious 16 year old whose never really talked about boys. Out of her social group only a couple have had boyfriends so I didn’t think much about it.

Anyway she made a comment that she ‘hadn’t decided if she likes boys yet’ I asked if she liked girls and she said ‘I’ll prob make my mind up when I go to college’.

I was a little shocked to be honest, but played it cool. But now I’m worried she is struggling with her sexuality. I hate to think she is torn and confused. I guess there is nothing I can do but be there right?

I was also a bit concerned that she said she would ‘decide in college’ like it’s something she needs to pick so to speak. Maybe it’s just how she phrased it.

I guess this is normal for teens to an extent is it? Being unsure of your sexuality?

She doesn’t sound worried about it at all. She sounds like a sensible girl who is busy focusing on her studies and doesn’t want to label herself too early.

The best think you can do is just be around and listen if she wants to talk about dating or anything. I don’t think it’s anything to worry about.

I think it’s really normal not to be 100% sure of your sexuality during your teens. My DD(15) and many of her friends aren’t entirely sure either. Your DD sounds sensible and she’ll work out her feelings in due course.

To be honest I’m glad she’s not focused on boys / girls / sex / relationship as she’s in year 11. I guess I just don’t want to make a big thing out of it if she isn’t. But I don’t want her to be suffering, confused , miserable.

I honestly don't think it's as big a deal as it used to be now. I think it's just seen as normal for sexuality to differ from 'straight' being automatic, and it's good that your daughter is being open about it - if anything I'd say that means she's comfortable, and not struggling.

To be honest, I've never found the need to label myself, though if I was forced, I supposed my label would be bisexual. I never felt the need to give myself a label though, and I have certainly never 'come out' as such. I have talked about finding girls attractive to people, including my partner, and they haven't batted an eyelid. I am in a long term relationship with a man, but it could easily have been a girl if I'd met one who I liked and chose to date.

She should just go out and live her life, meet who she meets, and see where it takes her. Labels aren't required :).

Why would she be suffering, confused or miserable? She certainly didn't sound it from what you report.

Sounds to me like you're projecting here. In my young days there was an expectation that you had to Make Up Your Mind and be one or the other, and that if you found you were a lesbian this was something you arrived at after a lot of soul searching and had to be very brave about. (Which fair enough, you probably did, the way gay people were treated back then).

Young people today don't necessarily see it that way- and I think they have a good point. From what we know about human sexuality historically speaking, being able to enjoy both is probably not an uncommon trait, though in times of persecution obviously people don't explore the gay side unless they are at the extreme end of the spectrum where only one option is open to them.

Today there is much less of a stigma attached to being bi and much less of a sense that one sexual experience defines you forever, so young people are often happy to experiment.

If she mentions it again, I would just cheerfully reply "well, you don't have to make your mind up once and for all unless you want to, just wait and see what happens", make it clear that you will be happy either way or both ways.

@corythatwas that was exactly what I did say to be honest. I guess it just dawned on me afterwards that she may feel confused. She certainly seemed chill about it, I guess the way she worded it made me worry that she might be feeling torn.

Thanks for all the comments.

She seems relaxed about it which is good, I'd just make sure she knew she could talk to you anytime, and let her choose if and when she wants some support.

Sounds like she has the right attitude. Try not to make a big deal out of it.

Really common these days- lots of chat amongst girls of that age saying that sort of thing. Remind her that you love her for all that she is and all she is yet to become and don't put any pressure to discuss it any further than she wants to.
Young people are really confident to experiment in a way that might have been seen to be out of the ordinary in previous generations. (Or not, in the 60's!)