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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 year old daughter says she likes girls too

18 replies

Maggie15 · 22/09/2020 13:54

My daughter has never been one of the popular girls at school and she always feels very nervous around the popular ones , she has got friendly with a crowd that call themselves alternative, they all have labels on themselves, they are bi , no gender etc . I am fine with this however I asked my daughter last week when she was talking about one of her bi friends if she likes girls too ? And she started to cry and say that she did. I hugged her and said it was ok we love her and we will both support her and nothings going to change etc
Well my question is that I’m worried she is just going with the crowd, I know she really likes boys and if she likes girls too that’s ok , I just don’t know if she’s trying to fit in ? She was straight on her phone to them all texting them and saying to me ‘oh I have to let them all know that you know’ - and she was all smiles when they were texting her back , maybe it was relief but I can’t help thinking that she felt more part of the group and loved them all texting her back congratulating her !
I want her to know that I’m here for her but I’m just worried about her as she is always and always has been a pleaser when it comes to her friends . Any help or similar stories would be appreciated as I’m new to all this and she’s my one and only daughter

OP posts:

lazylinguist · 22/09/2020 13:59

But why are you assuming she's saying it to fit in? And anyway, why does it matter? If she's saying it to fit in, that doesn't force her to actually have relationships with girls or stop liking boys. Or she might date a girl and then decide actually she's only into boys after all. Or not. It's up to her.

Kanaloa · 22/09/2020 14:36

I don’t get why her friends would need to congratulate her on telling you she might be bisexual. I think sometimes these things are made bigger than they need to be. If she gets a boyfriend or girlfriend of course you should support her but there shouldn’t be any rush to label yourself.

At 14 you are still working out so much about yourself and sometimes I think labels can make it harder to evolve and change.

Kanaloa · 22/09/2020 14:37

By the way, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being gay or bi or anything. I just think sometimes people (especially teens) seem desperate to have a label or a name rather than just going with the flow and experimenting with who they are and what they want.

Seriouslymole · 23/09/2020 14:25

Isn't everyone slightly bisexual at 14? I thought it was just part of figuring out who you were. I was certainly convinced I was gay at that age but am apparently not - here at 47, married to a man.

It is a label thing but just go with it or say "yeah, me too" - that will definitely put her off labelling herself as it will be too uncool.

VirginiaWolverine · 23/09/2020 14:35

Honestly, I think it's at least as common for kids to pretend to be heterosexual to fit in with the crowd, but this is very rarely something that their parents are concerned about when their child admits to being attracted to the opposite sex.

If you are worried about the people pleasing behaviour, then work on her self confidence and self esteem - experimenting with a label of bisexuality and deciding it isn't for her is harmless and incredibly common for straight teenage girls, but doing stuff to fit in can be more of a concern in areas like drugs and alcohol or sexual activity.

SummerHouse · 23/09/2020 14:39

It's a chicken or egg question. She may have gravitated towards the group as she is bi / curious or she might just feel a sense of wanting to belong and been swayed by the group. As with the chicken and egg it can't be answered. You have done the right thing regardless.

spaghettihoops16 · 23/09/2020 14:43

I'm just posting to say how lucky you both are to have each other. Her for having a mum she can speak so openly to, regardless to how she feels. And to you, for raising a daughter willing to speak and knowing she can confined in you.

You're both very lucky x

Original poster

Maggie15 · 23/09/2020 15:07

Thanks so much for answering, I guess I’m just concerned for her mentally aswell, it’s so hard being a teenager and I just want to help her as much as I can.

You have all made me feel better and I’m going to support her as much as I can , I’m so proud off her , she’s a lovely ,funny, cheeky personality and I don’t ever want that to change but recently she’s been very moody and quiet but I guess that’s the teenage years , I’m worried that these friends may not be the right ones for her but I suppose every parent thinks that.
Me and her dad love her so much and want the best for her, we will support her no matter what her sexuality is, she’s our only child and we just want to make sure we are doing everything right

OP posts:

Original poster

Maggie15 · 23/09/2020 15:11

Thanks spaghettihoops that means a lot , I try my best but I’m still learning every day , Especially the teenage years (don’t think i will be as good at them)

OP posts:

MomOfOne04 · 13/06/2022 19:23

Maggie15, I know this thread is a few years old but I am in the same boat. Daughters new group of friends are all gay, bi, or pan and now she came out as maybe gay last night. I am so accepting of anything she claims to be but hate that she is labeling herself at 12. She still plays with toys sometimes. It’s crazy for me to think she’s figured it out yet. Just curious how things have been going for you since it’s been 2 years since your original post.

AnnaMagnani · 13/06/2022 19:33

I definitely thought I was bi at that age.

However if you get to nearly 50 and all you've done is say Oti from Strictly looks hot, I don't think it counts.

I'd leave her be, it's an age that loves labels and loves fitting in. She now knows you always support her and that's the most important thing.

BiscuitLover3678 · 13/06/2022 19:35

honestly? She will be fine. She will like who she likes and it’s great she’s exploring this all now. She’s got the support from you already so good on you. And if she decides shes straight after all then 🤷🏻‍♀️
the teenage years are stressful but short in reality.

BiscuitLover3678 · 13/06/2022 19:37

AnnaMagnani · 13/06/2022 19:33

I definitely thought I was bi at that age.

However if you get to nearly 50 and all you've done is say Oti from Strictly looks hot, I don't think it counts.

I'd leave her be, it's an age that loves labels and loves fitting in. She now knows you always support her and that's the most important thing.

I don’t think we should worry if it counts or not. Some people do suddenly fall in love with others later on or life. But yes, agree it’s not a big deal either way.

LifeIsBusy · 13/06/2022 19:38

I remember being at school the year it was cool to be bi. Half my year were gay or bi. I found that it allowed the people to come out and others I found that they came out and a few years down the line slid back into that closet...

At the end of the day... She might be trying to fit in but in the long run she will only do what she is comfortable with. I could walk around all day saying I'm straight but trying to implement that will throw up a load of challenges 🙈.

Biscuitsneeded · 13/06/2022 19:40

She's 14, it's virtually her job not to know who she is and to explore and question her identity. Plus teenagers currently love to have a label. She probably just wants to fit in. Just tell her you love her, you don't mind who she ends up being attracted to and sleeping with as long as they are nice to her, and don't make a big deal of it. No big coming out announcements to other family members etc or anything that might make her feel limited by a label. She'll work out in her own good time who she is attracted to, but as long as she knows you love and support her no matter what, that's all you need to do.

ittakes2 · 13/06/2022 19:57

Zombi thread

malificent7 · 14/06/2022 08:20

It sounds like you have a good relationship.she will be fine.

woodencoffetable · 14/06/2022 09:55

Sure because "girls" doesn't mean females does it, it means anyone who identifies as a girl. It's totally meaningless to that crowd, and yes, she is on a pathway. These are the people and the ideologies who have influence over her now.

If she likes women and was a lesbian, or bi, great. I don't even want my daughter to have to "come out" to me about that, it should and hopefully will be just part of who she is, we have gay people in our family, I'd expect her to just bring her partner home whose sex wouldn't even be up for discussion really.

What's happening in schools now isn't that.

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