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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12yo hates school

7 replies

Nia18 · 20/09/2020 22:11

My 12yo DD is in Year 8 of secondary school. She's a very quiet, sensitive girl. Since starting secondary school she has been incredibly anxious. Has spent many nights before school crying and begging to not have to go the next day.

Every term they are reassessed by their educational progress and sometimes moved to different classes. After going back to school recently she doesnt have a single lesson with anyone she knows. She seems to feel very isolated and even more anxious without the support of her friends.

She insists there is no bullying going on, but i understand how intimidating the environment is for her.

If i could homeschool her I would absolutely do so, but i have a toddler and am currently pregnant and I just know she will fall behind academically.

It is breaking my heart to see her so upset every night and for a child who asks for very little to be begging me to not make her go is very distressing.

Any advice would be very appreciated.

OP posts:
marly11 · 20/09/2020 22:15

This sounds very difficult and worrying for both of you. Have you spoken to her head of year and or form tutor? It's worth knowing if the form tutor is experienced and you would put your faith in him/her or whether you are best speaking directly to the Head of Year or someone more senior. The school need to know the situation to be able to support both of you in the best way possible and agree a plan with you to help her feel more secure. Until you have done that, thinking about home schooling even in the abstract seems quite previous; they may be able to help.

Original poster
Nia18 · 20/09/2020 23:23

Thanks for replying.

Yes, last year I had a (very rushed) meeting with DD's head of year. They gave her a pass to leave her lessons a few minutes earlier so that the rowdy corridors were not so much of an issue. Unfortunately they cant/won't move her into different classes because her friends are in higher sets.

Tonight she said "I dont want to be here anymore". She's not the sort of girl who likes to make a fuss, so if she's telling me this I'm taking it very seriously.

I think I'll make an appointment with our GP, then also go back to the school to explain that things are not improving. I hope to get them to understand that this isn't just a case of simply not liking school. I am watching her withdraw more and more every day.

OP posts:
PatsyPet · 20/09/2020 23:28

Hand hold from me. I don’t have any easy answers. Keep talking with her and acknowledging her feelings. One tip I learnt from my volunteering was to focus her on examples where she is coping. But keep her close and show her you care so she feels you have her back.

Also keep telling the school so they can help to support her more.

Kanaloa · 21/09/2020 00:18

Yes, I’d definitely try to speak to someone at the school. Is it possible that there is some bullying going on but she is saying there isn’t to try not to upset you? It’s also possible that she isn’t being bullied but is maybe being left out or finding it hard to make friends. If you can manage to chat to someone in pastoral care they could keep an extra eye on her and see if anything is wrong.

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 21/09/2020 08:57

OP I really feel for you. My ds hated years 8 & 9. He’s quiet, sensitive and academic and it was torture for him, schools are such aggressive places these days. He got himself a scholarship to a fantastic independent school for 6th form and is now really happy. I’m also have dd 14 who is currently upstairs in bed, pretentious be ill. Hates school too, but more socially confident than he was, it’s just that all her friends go to a different school so she doesn’t have friends in her classes, like your dd. But that’s my problem...

My advice firstly is not to panic too much. Year 8 is really early, and academically they learn nothing Imo until y10. If you can relax a bit it will help, I remember thinking I had to get him into school but actually it was more important to spend time with him, listening and bolstering his confidence. If your dd is able to be happier, and more confident she’ll find it easier.

The school does need to address this but again ime they have too much on atm, and aren’t great at helping quiet sad kids at the best of times. 1500+ kids are too many to manage properly, the quiet ones get lost. Speak to them again but you’re the one who can make the most difference to her.
Let her take time out if necessary, her mental health is the most important thing at this time as she needs to know she’ll be ok. School work is necessary but, at this age you have plenty of time. As she matures it will get easier.

Original poster
Nia18 · 22/09/2020 13:56

Thank you. I sent an email to the school last night. I hope to be able to have a meeting with them. The school is very over populated, its one of the new 'mega-schools' which doesn't help either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nia18 · 22/09/2020 13:58

Thank you for your replies. I wasn't expecting so much understanding, so i really appreciate it.

Our GP has referred us to CAHMS. I imagine there will be a long wait, but I'm relieved to have got some acknowledgement for her.

OP posts:
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