DS15 really struggling

[justpoppy]

We’ve had a lot of change to our family life recently (I’ve been a single parent with no input from his dad since he was born) but we’ve recently moved in with my DP of almost 5 years and blended our families. It’s been an intense but happy time - all the kids and adults get along really well and our new home is lovely.

DS was very withdrawn through lockdown and struggled to find the motivation to really do his best at his school work. For context he’s at a selective all boys grammar so high standards are expected. Ds missed a few assignments resulting in calls home from the subject teachers. However his form tutor was happy that he was doing ok.

He’s been back at school since 3 sept and has been bombarded with tests at short notice which unsurprisingly he’s not done that well in. My DP is concerned at the amount of screen time he has and I think he’s felt pressured from that as well. It all came to a head last night and he broke down and sobbed saying he didn’t know what he wanted to do in any aspect of his life. He made me promise I wouldn’t tell DP but DP knew something was going on as I was so upset too. Ds is such a lovely boy - funny, caring and great company but he also withdraws so easily which I just see as being my fault. I’ve had mental health problems from before he was born and have been hospitalised 4 times during DS life. I’m an introvert and keep friends very much as arms length. I feel so responsible - he’s struggling to find his way as a young adult and I don’t know how to help him as I don’t think I’m a very well adjusted adult myself. Not sure why I’m posting really - this is nothing compared to what some parents of teens on here are going through. Guess I just wanted to get it out.

It’s good that he can come to you, often the parents of teens know nothing until much further down the line.

I think you first need to look to the short term, do you think it’s the tests that have set him off?

If he’s 15 I take it that’s year 11, not early sept birthday, if so that’s a positive as you can focus on just this year. Talk to the school, is it worth dropping a subject, grammar schools will be resistant to that but i have known it to happen and it makes a big difference.

Then for next year, when he’s got these first few weeks out the way, don’t underestimate how exhausting going back after all these months can be, maybe look at local 6th form colleges instead/as well. Both my dd repeated year 12 at college as the grammar environment didn’t suit in 6th form, it was stressful for all, Both are now thriving.

Get your names on the lists for any counselling help available but unfortunately they are so stretched you may be unlucky, also try the gp as well, sometimes low iron levels can add to all the stress.

Thanks @billybagpuss He’s Y10 early September birthday. I had a chat with him this morning before he left. Asked if me sitting with him while he studies would help? I don’t know how this would help as my gcse skills are limited but he said just having me there might work.

Good shout about getting general blood work done. At least then eliminates any underlying issues.

I mentioned to him this morning about contacting the pastoral team at school but he was horrified at that prospect. Doesn’t help that my DP went to the same school (albeit a long time ago) but had a miserable time due to bullying etc. He therefore doesn’t think much of the school even though both his eldest children went there, are now at good uni’s and doing really well.

As for the screen time, this is mn you will get plenty of people saying to cut it completely, and yes that’s based on evidence on the ongoing impact of it, but it’s honestly best to let him come to his own decisions on this one. We had the sobbing breakdown prob 2 years later than you but she was willing to try things which involved getting out of the house for exercise and leaving her phone on the landing at night, it wasn’t policed if she needed it she went and got it as it was her decision not ours. Her bf also lives with us now (long story) and he had similar issues and self imposed a 9pm deadline on PlayStation.

The sitting in with him thing, dd is dyslexic very late diagnosed, grammar schools are not the best place to have this picked up, and she’d often study nearby very often it was just overwhelmed at how to get started, she still has that now with uni, but once she gets going she’s fine. So just the support helps.

Forget about the screen time he can go on it as much as he wants AFTER schoolwork, some physical activity (outdoor if possible), whatever chores he does and at least 30mins of reading (novel or quality journalism). Make him aware of how important sleep is.

Try to get him to concentrate on shortterm priority of getting back on track with school so he keeps future options open, write a study plan together (25-35 min slots per subject, Min 3 subjects a night, 4 if he is willing + reading + 15 min flash cards with you for any language he is doing) to catch up and support him on how to study where needed.

@WeAllHaveWings that’s great advice thank you. I just feel totally out of my depth. When he was a baby I worried about coping with him as a toddler but this is so much harder. I struggled as a teen and feel I should know all the answers because I’ve been through it but of course I don’t. DP is out this afternoon and probably evening so we have the house to ourselves. I know I have to find it in my to support him but I have no confidence. I don’t want my lovely boy to turn out like me.

Hi, he and you and your family sound lovely but he’s really got a lot going on, lockdown, starting his GCSEs and embarking on life as a blended family plus I guess he might be worried about worrying you too much if you have been poorly in the past.

This is such early days back for him at school. If you could persuade him to let you contact school they could maybe offer a bit more reassurance, a bit more carrot and less stick as he is struggling a little, maybe even just a few words of support, it wouldn’t necessarily be a lot of counselling. Plus I would make time for the two of you to be together, maybe not helping him with his work but going for a walk or watching a TV show, cooking etc away from the rest of the family like old times where he could open up and reassure him that he is still your priority, you are there for him and it is expected that this time will be hard after so long out of school.

@Mediumred thank you for your lovely kind words. Last two days have been better. He said himself that it had all come to a head and he needed to get it out. I’ve made sure today and at the weekend that we’ll have time together just us. I’ve been so caught up in the move that little things have been pushed aside. It’s a big new normal That’s very different to how we lived before that we both have to get used to.

So glad things seem a tiny bit brighter for you and your boy, so many young people are struggling in these strange times. Dd is a little younger and back at school and mostly happy to be there but feeling confined in one classroom with same people, teachers being strict, trying to return to more formal classroom learning and finding fights breaking out more frequently probably with kids being stressed.

It is all hard.