At loggerheads with stepdad

[Marie84]

So I have 15 year old twins and a 13 year old, my partner of 7 years and I are constantly arguing about bedtimes and phones. Since being back at school I've had them in bed by 10 and they keeps their phones but only for their alarms. They are normally all asleep when I go to bed so I know they aren't on them all night. Now this wk he has said they need to be in bed by 9 and phones taken out of their rooms at 9.30. To me this seems ridiculous. If they were really naughty and weren't getting up in the morning etc I could understand it but they aren't. I mean just the usual teenage stuff but nothing major. Their friends are still out at that time and my older 2 work some evenings until 10! Is he being unreasonable or am I being too soft? He doesn't have any of his own children and had an extremely strict upbringing - children should be seen and not heard type of thing. I'm pretty laid back until I need to be firm and it seems to have worked! I have just got to the point now where it's easier just to go along with it but I don't feel it's fair on them.

What has prompted the change?
I think that's far too early, as you say they work and will need to wind down when they get in, what about fitting in homework and activities besides just being teens?
My dd is just 16 and comes in at that time of not later on occasion, they have to learn to regulate themselves too.

It also might not be easier for much longer when they want to do things that mean they can't or don't want to be in bed by 9.
You sound like you have things just right and your dc sound happy, why change?

He doesn't get to impose rules on your kids that you don't agree with OP.

Why are you going along with him? Are you scared of his reaction if you say "no, I won't be doing that"?

9 is early for the twins. Might be ok for the 13 year old but 10 isn’t bad either. Why does your DH want 9?

Most 15 year olds I know would be saying that you're already pretty strict with 10pm.
If 10pm is working then why make it earlier? Surely that's just asking for a fight. Normal 15 and 13 year olds will demand a reason (other than because I said so), they will challenge being told they're not getting enough sleep if they think they are functioning well enough in the morning. Making bed time earlier for no reason which can satisfy them will just result in a really miserable house at ages where you should be picking battles and relaxing rules.
At some point in the next 3 years, bed times are going to need to go completely for the twins as they move into adulthood, self regulation and learning about the need for bedtime the hard way. It seems crazy to get stricter with bedtimes and phones now, if there are no problems in the morning.

10pm was never forced that's just when they all seemed to be in bed by which we were all happy with! No idea why the change now, yes it's been hard the last 6 months and we haven't had too much of a routine but isn't that the case with most people? They have settled back into school fine and yes they have been a bit tired but no different than when I went back to work! It's hard enough being a teenage girl without this too. I did point out that ultimately it should be down to me but he said they live under his roof.

They live under his roof? Fuck that. Your children, you're decision.

That right there is why my children will not be having a step dad during their childhoods.

I have a just 16 yo and a 13 yo. They go to bed around 10 or 10.30pm. if I told them they had to go to bed at 9 they would think I was absolutely mad and would probably object strongly - and they are incredibly well behaved and compliant kids. In your situation, I imagine your dh sending your dc to bed at 9 pm would be the perfect ingredients for a couple of years of intense teenage resentment. I guess you and your need to think about whether you want to pay this price.

Does your dh just want to spend some time alone with you without kids around? If so, why not arrange regular date nights.

He rarely here in the evenings as he works longs hours so it's not that. Reading this back I would be giving the same advice! It's madness

They haven't moaned once about the "new rules" which just shows what good kids they are!

I did point out that ultimately it should be down to me but he said they live under his roof.

That’s not right and you know it.
Sadly I would be thinking about somewhere else for my children & I to live, if you can’t get him to realise he’s being an arse. Sorry.

Sorry but why are your kids living in a house someone else pays for? Can't you financially support them yourself?

I think it's too precarious to move children in with a step parent who is the sole home owner/mortgage payer. Us single mums need to work and provide ourselves.

Channel your inner Grange Hill and just say no!

Seriously 9:00pm was my bedtime when 12, and that is 50 years ago. I think that this is not about the bedtimes per se, but realising that they are growing up and becoming independent thinkers and beings. It was one of the things my father tried to do to keep control and be the alpha male with my brothers, it did not end well.

The house is in both our names, and yes I can provide for them myself but after being a single parent for so many years it's nice to have support. I realise he has taken it too far with this and I will be doing something about it.

I'm assuming he's happy to be up at 5.30am to make them breakfast because they'll definitely be awake earlier. OP you're right, unless there's any issues with lack of sleep, getting ready for school, then it's a daft suggestion. Quite impressed your kids have just accepted it tbh, but of course that doesn't mean they're happy about it

In that case he definitely doesn't get to throw his weight around and make rules!

Do you usually feel able to argue/stand up to him?

@Ant330

I'm assuming he's happy to be up at 5.30am to make them breakfast because they'll definitely be awake earlier. OP you're right, unless there's any issues with lack of sleep, getting ready for school, then it's a daft suggestion. Quite impressed your kids have just accepted it tbh, but of course that doesn't mean they're happy about it

I have been waking them up at 7 so they obviously need the sleep. And at 15 and 13 they can make their own breakfast!!!

Thanks for the advice, just wanted to know what time other kids their age were going to bed not to be judged. It's difficult when you don't know the full story so I'll leave it there. Thanks.

Wow, I think 9pm bedtime is way too early, especially for 15 year olds, that comment about living under his roof his rules is not on, I'd be speaking to them to see how they feel, they might be keeping quiet for a peaceful life but not happy with it, it's home for all of you and I'm sure you want your DC to be happy.

I'm impressed, unfortunately my son is like me and not a morning person so if left to him he'd be going to school hungry. To be fair he will make himself food later in the day, but not a chance in the mornings
And answering the bedtime question he goes to bed same time as yours used to at 10 with everything switched off so usually asleep shortly after and never later than 10.30.

The ‘they live under my roof’ comment seems off, why does he suddenly want your kids to go to bed earlier? My DD16 and DD14 go to bed at 9 but will usually read or watch tv for an hour or so as ‘wind down time’. If your kids were happy going to bed at 10 and there’s been no issues with sleep, waking up, etc then why change it? Ultimately it should be up to you and your kids but it might be worth looking into why he suddenly wants them in bed earlier.