Today was just another in a long line of issues since he started secondary school. It seems that if he takes a dislike to a teacher, and there's one every year, then all rational thinking flies out the window. He becomes deliberately awkward and at times just downright rude and disrespectful.
Covid came at the perfect time for him, because he wasn't far from a managed move to a different school earlier this year. We hoped for a better start as he was saying all the right things, and last week was reasonably positive but it's gone downhill in the last two days.
His head of house, who I speak to far more than I would prefer, has told me he's not a bad kid but he turns minor infractions into a much bigger deal by questioning decisions he doesn't like and then arguing. He describes my son as going into self destruct mode.
Today for instance he decided to sit in a different seat, he knows he shouldn't as he's already been reprimanded for it last week, he's clearly just being bloody awkward. None of the things he does to begin with are particularly bad but he just makes the situation so much worse by not shutting up and doing as he's told. Yesterday he kicked up a stink during an assembly type session because he was asked to sit in the front row when he wanted to sit at the back with his mates. Apparently he didn't like "being singled out" but it took me ages to make him realise that he'd drawn far more attention to himself by reacting badly. I'm struggling to understand what goes through his head, he knows if he continues down ths path then he will be moved away from the school which he admits he doesn't want. But in the spur of the moment that rational thinking disappears.
The daft thing is he's a pretty good kid at home, yes we have the odd problem but what parent doesn't. His mum and I are divorced (and yes we wondered if this was a factor but the problems started prior to this) but we still get on fine, try to make joint decisions and be as consistent across both households as possible. We have both held our hands up and said we were probably too lenient with him in our first year after seperating, attempting to make sure he wasn't damaged by the split and not wanting to be seen as the bad guy. I know she occasionally has issues with him being disrespectful but has become less lenient recently and this is improving. He has a good social life, goes to the gym, plays football, has parents who bend over backwards for him (this may well be changing) and wants for nothing in life. Maybe he has it too easy?
Anyway, we've tried the usual home punishments in the past - grounding, phone and games console being removed etc - these tend to work short term then he forgets and we have to start again. This year we thought we'd try the carrot approach with monthly rewards for good behaviour based on how many stars or strikes he receives. These rewards are not insignificant in value and we hoped would be an incentive/reminder to stop him when he's about to say or do something he shouldn't. That clearly isn't working so will be stopped, although he wouldn't be getting anything this month anyway!
We are running out of ideas to be honest and not sure what to try next. When we sit down and talk to him, he agrees that he shouldn't behave in this fashion and that he wouldn't do it again should the situation be repeated. But then in the heat of the moment he does exactly the opposite.
This morning his HoH rang me to ask me to speak with him as he just wasn't listening, trouble is in that kind of mood even I struggle to talk any sense into him. He just keeps repeating that he "doesn't like his form tutor and he's wierd". He seems to understand the logic that he won't like every teacher nor every decision, but that is irrelevant when it comes to the minimum standards of behaviour and respect expected from him.
Trying to explain to a 14 year old that if they don't get this behaviour under control then irrespective of how well he does at school he'll never be able to hold a job down is impossible because it's so far away (in his mind) it doesn't seem important.
Sorry it's an essay and I wouldn't normally post about this kind of thing, but I am at a loss as to what do next so hoping somebody who's been through similar can offer some words of wisdom or even tell me why we're doing a shit job as parents because that's what it feels like atm even though we're trying our best.