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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

manipulative teenage friend

4 replies

billsnewhat · 15/09/2020 17:02

My DD is 14 and always seems to be getting into some sort of friendship drama but it is always the same girl who causes the problems. This girl is lovely when you first know her so super confident and seems very mature beyond her years but she doesn't have the best set up at home and has spent quite alot of time at our house. I often feed her have to sleep over and have even provided lunch for her for school and taken her for days out with our family. She has got a little bit too comfortable becoming "part of our family". She is very intense and very manipulative and also very good at making you feel sorry for her. She dictates to my daughter about who she should talk too etc and always makes derogatory remarks about my DD's appearance. We had issues with her back in yr 7 and we decided going with and doing what she wants makes life easier for my DD as when you stand up to her she becomes extremely calm and collected and completely turns everything round to make her the victim and it has resulted twice in my DD getting in lots of trouble and being made to be the perpetrator. To cut a long story short I had to get involved as we don't want her at our house 24/7!! This girl loves to provoke a reaction by stirring and pushing my DD until she snaps -it got completely out of hand today and my DD started shouting and screaming abuse at her at school (no excuse!!) but now as happens every time she is the one it has backfired on. Every time I tell her not to go back but this girl always reels her back in and I always let her back in to our family life because I know she is craving normal family life. I am sure they will make up and if they do if I don't want to have her in our house again but if I don't everything will start up again. It feels like even I as a 40 something woman is being manipulated by a teenage girl. Any advice on how to approach this would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 15/09/2020 17:05

God op, i'd be worried that she could react badly if you made obvious moves to distance her from your family. She sounds very devious

youdidask · 15/09/2020 17:33

The relationship is abusive.

Read up on relational aggression especially in girls.

Speak to the head of year, pastoral care team etc. Flag up your concerns about this girls home life and her abuse of your DD.

Do not have her back in your house- make it clear that your loyalty is with your DD not this other child. Her home life is not your issue and your DD comes first

Your daughter needs to cut this girl out. You can be the bad guy if it helps her do that, she can blame you for not being allowed to have the girls over etc.

We were luckily in a way as my DD experienced this type of behaviour in primary and we were able to teach her how to spot this kind of person and avoid getting entangled. She had a particularly hard lesson as she'd stopped making the effort with the ringleader and was'lovebombed' for want of a better description, as soon as she let her back in she was brutally(emotionally for a 10 year old) left out.
We talk about good and bad friendships a lot and I explained that this girls only had the power to hurt her if she allowed her too.

It's crap but you need to teach your daughter that she can't control how this girl behaves but she can control how she reacts and lets if affect her.

Good luck

NotAKaren · 16/09/2020 15:53

This girl is a bully and a manipulator and you need to help your daughter to distance from her. No more time in your home, no more sleepovers even if they become friends again or it will go on and on. She needs to be sent a message that this is not tolerated and your daughter needs to know that she deserves better friends than this. Deciding it was easier to go along with what this girl wants was probably a big mistake. She is not your responsibility your daughter is.

youdidask · 16/09/2020 16:15

I remember one conversation with my DD about how this girl was never coming to our house. It went along the lines of it's my job to protect you and keep your home as a safe space, this girl is a bully, even when she is being'nice' and I will not allow you to be bullied in your own home.

Obviously my dd was younger but it worked.
The girl in question would go on a charm offensive around me and I'd just give her a look. She knew exactly what she was doing. I got the school involved the time she got physically and the parents were called in. Mum completely blanked me from that point on- dad phoned DH and apologised but the child was still manipulative and nasty.

Stay strong op

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