Small Gatherings

[Beaky001]

My DD 15 has been invited to friends house on Friday night where there will apparently only be 6 people. I have said that I would like to check in with the mum to make sure all is ok and if she will be there. DD said OK on this occasion but then went on a huge rant about how embarrassing it is for me to check up on her all the time and that no other parents do it. I tried explaining that the school parents association sent out an email last year about the do\s and don'ts so yes parents do check but apparently NONE of her friends parents do - can I gauge thoughts as to whether I am being too controlling or not? She feels suffocated that we always need to check in. Have tried to explain its for her safety more than anything but she thinks at 15 we shouldn't have to!

I haven't checked, past the age where I would have texted the parents myself anyway to arrange, or chatted at the drop off. But it's mostly the same places and the same friends. I would be stricter if it felt necessary. I guess you are trying to prevent her coming to harm (or transgressing gathering rules) but she is feeling suffocated, possibly unable to risk being honest with you, embarrassed, untrusted. These are potential harms too. Adolescence is a stage where parents have to learn to negotiate and flex. And contain their own worries. Talk about it, see her pov, compromise, let her build confidence.

I think she's being realistic. I don't check in. But then the parties that Ds1 went to (and he went to A LOT) were friends I'd at least heard about regularly.

Often I drop him there, sometimes I'd pick him up, and I'd see the same parents dropping off and picking up at the same time too! or they arrange to all ride their bikes to the party or get the train together, to the party. so I knew that he was meeting up with friends and going to the party together.

this was all fine with me.

Yes covid has now changed the fact it is only 6. but the above fundamentals don't change. do you know where she's going? who is she going with? how is she getting there? none of that has changed. the only thing that's changed is it is a smaller group, it's now 6.

Do you trust her?
Do you think she's not going to the place she described?
Or it's not 6?

What is the actual concern here?
You need to relax and show her some respect. Trust her.

I wouldn't check, sorry.
I might have conversations like "Are you SURE you don't need me to coordinate with the parents?" get them to engage in the risk assessment.

Mostly I see them to the door & eyeball the parents or other kids so I can see no axe-murdering planned & blank myself off.

Thanks - the one on Friday is fine as I know the mum from Junior school, its future parties where I might not know whether parents will be there or not. At just 15 eg Year 10 I feel a parental responsibility to check whether there will be any adults there in case something goes wrong eg too much drinking etc. There has been a couple of gatherings over lockdown where parents weren't there and a few girls got very drunk!
I guess what you are saying is that I just need to trust her and hope that if there is trouble and she has lied about elements that she feels she can call me and I can help her out (which I would of course as we have all been there)

Yes, discuss the risks and the outs, don't try to eliminate the risks.

I wouldn't check at 15. I think you need to have an element of trust at that age - if you do they are more likely to talk to you with concerns rather than just hiding things they think you will disapprove of.

Re the small gatherings. I've spoken to my DS (16) about 6. He thinks the rule is stupid but we've at least had a conversation about why it's important and why I think he should follow it. At the end of the day I can't force him.