keeping teens in sport - when they actually want to!

[janie2]

Hi All

I need some advice/calming/perspective!

My sporty 13year old is at a stage where her sports clubs are now expecting the kids to be really competitive. To move "up" a group and therefore be with kids their age they are now wanting the kids to be stronger, faster, better etc. Now, don't get me wrong I understand some of these kids may well have aspirations to become professional athletes in their sport and that should be encouraged and developed but the reality is that most of them wont be.

My daughter has played hockey and has been swimming competitively since she was 8. Always been a good team member, stuck in, behaved, generally been easy to coach etc but now she has decided to quit swimming because she hasn't been moved up a group for nearly 2 years and all her friends have. We have spoken to the coaches and really nothing has changed therefore after lockdown she decided to call it a day. Something similar is about to happen with hockey, unless she gets faster, is more aggressive...she won't move up next year. She is already finding this hard. She loves playing though, she just wants to enjoy it. She struggles a bit with her confidence but on the whole sport gives her that or it has until now.

I keep hearing all this rhetoric about keeping girls in sport and encouraging healthier active lifestyles but I feel my daughter is being actively discouraged! She doesn't want to go swimming with me and her friends who don't swim competitively don't want to do the swimming she does. Her school hockey is non existent due to covid just now and club hockey is ok, but they are now focusing on how many kids they can get picked for the county squad which is ramping up the pressure. She works hard and continues to take part but is finding the pressure to be better difficult even though she is of course improving.

Is there anything out there that she can do? Dance feels like you only fit in if you have done it for years, gymnastics is unlikely to be much better. We live in a fairly small town so options are limited. I did approach the swim club for a fitness lane but at this point it isn't on their radar.

I feel so frustrated for her and me! If you got this far, thanks for reading and do you have any ideas, thoughts or experiences?

As an untalented adult, I've found niche sports to be more welcoming and less pressured, but clubs aren't always easy to find. I've played underwater hockey (my favourite!), water polo (although this can be dangerous and competitive depending on the club), climbing & bouldering, korfball, handball & volleyball (all competitive on the continent, but niche in the UK) and badminton & squash can be quite relaxed if you pick the right club, because you can pick a non-competitive partner. I've never played, but women's rugby seemed to attract the more chilled women at university.

I can see your point entirely . My sons swimming club have just started a swim fit lane specifically to capture and retain the teens that no longer want to compete but are still good swimmers. Could you try a different club in an alternative local town - it would mean a bit of a trek but would keep her in sport. How about something like rounders, or something more of a solo sport like martial arts or kayaking. I also know what you mean about dance and gym. Have a look too at synchro swimming .

Thanks, we are a bit limited due to our geography. A swim fit lane is really what she would love. I think the issue for her now is to move to another club or something different would be away for her friends. The swim club did a big bit of work around what keeps kids swimming and the social side came out really high. I was on the committee and began organising social off pool stuff but the swimming situation didn't change. Which was sad.

I too am a non competitive adult but did enjoy sports as a child - it didn't seem so pressured then somehow and I definitely wasn't the fastest or strongest!!

I'm coming around to horse riding but it is so expensive. She has done some kayaking but didn't stick with it when her friend dropped out but does quite enjoy some outward bound activity days she does in summer. I am going to try SUP with her and her brother and maybe get a friend along, not too many clubs about but something she can do with friends if they arrange it. We have done some open water swimming but again she doesn't really want to come with me! She really needs the social side as well. It's so hard! My lovely bootcamp fitness woman put on a teens bootcamp but its a day we can't get her there so there is the possibility of that if the day changes.

I guess I need to be encouraging her confidence to do things herself and to just keep going. what I don't want to do is make her feel she has to keep going to something she doesn't enjoy anymore.

lekker - where did you do underwater hockey, I didn't know that even existed!

Could you try a ladies hockey team with teams in lower divisions? I played for a ladies team as a teenager, we were in the local 3rd division. I wasn't talented at all but was a good team player.

I would agree with the person above, look for a club in a league with teams in the lower divisions these are great for youngsters to keep playing less competitively or more up through the teams if they want to be more competitive. In the league I am involved in you can play after your 13th birthday.

I saw it on Blue Peter when I was a kid and always wanted to try. My university had a team, but there are enough teams for a (very relaxed) national league. It's about the closest you can get to quidditch because play happens in three dimensions! All the people I've met are really nice, and generally rather geeky. Personality types seemed to overlap with ultimate frisbie, climbers and CAMRA members. Waterpolo was rather more serious and a bit up itself.

Someone else suggested martial arts, but I found that had a lot of pressure to get belts. It was bit like dance: the ones who had done karate since 3 but changed discipline breezed through and upped the pressure on the real beginners and the exams were too much stress for me. Especially because training in mixed sex clubs is tough for female beginners because there's never an even number of women. Maybe I just tried a shit club.

We are in the sane boat, but with DS he is being pressured by coaches to move up the groups. He doesn't want to as all he sees is competitive pushiness in those groups. There is a huge gap for chikdren who want to play for fun with no pressure to excel. Parkrun is perfect, and when it's back we'll be there like a shot. But for team sports and swimming, the 'sport for enjoyment' just doesn't seem to exist in the teen age bracket.

Is there a local swim Masters group who might take her in? Dds old club "retired" swimmers there when they stopped competing. Or an open water or triathlon group might welcome her?

I understand where you are coming from Op
DD was very good at Taekwando but didn’t have the aggression needed and also hated the pressure to move up the belts so she ended up leaving, real shame. She also doesn’t get to do as much sport as she would like at school as it all revolves around Netball for the girls and these only a token effort for other sports teams (eg football).

The ethos of Masters swimming is great- lots of different levels of ability/ engagement/ commitment/ competition etc- but, as I understand it, masters is for over 18s

Another thought: I have a cousin who is very overweight and has mental health issues who loves pole fitness/dancing and finds the community supportive, understanding and welcoming. It's got competitions if you want but can also be just a hobby and is welcoming to beginners. I have issues with it from a feminist perspective and wouldn't want my daughter doing it, so would completely understand if you didn't approve. Aerial yoga or circus skills/trapeze might be equally welcoming, but I know nothing about them. Straightforward yoga could also be an option she would enjoy.

It sucks that there are so few social clubs for teenagers. They can't so easily join the social side of adult clubs and all the teen clubs seem so competitive. It felt the same when I was doing music - all the fun orchestras and choirs stopped at 11 and restarted at 18. In between you had to audition and put in so many hours and it sucked all the joy out of it.

There is clearly a gap all over the place between 12 and 18!

The hockey club she plays for now has 2 ladies teams and a development squad which is for the 13-16 girls kind of "pre adult" but that's where the pressure is as they are looking to get those kids up to representative hockey. Once she hits 18 she'll be fine to play for the ladies 2s as it becomes less competitive again. Part of the issues is that she wants to play with people her own age! Our hockey club also has kids from 2 private schools which increases the skill level because they play so much, the state school can't compete.I think i am looking for something that isn't there yet. There is clearly a need though

I feel better for not being alone in my thinking and some great ideas for options. We looked at circus type things but she said no. It would be in our nearest bigger town and gets away from being a round friends. It's that tricky age where confidence is a big factor. i think i have to face that it's just how it is. I could look more into setting something up myself....oh to find the time!!

The lack of after school activities is an issue just now as I think I could probably convince her to do volleyball there since she has given up swimming and she would be able to play school hockey which isn't quite so competitive.

Anyone any experience in starting up a sports group? ha ha ha!

Cricket can be pretty good 😊 Having said that, DD played at county level until she hit 17 and it stopped! She hasn't played at all this year because she feels too much pressure on her as a good player, she'd love to play for fun! But for starters it can be great and really social

I totally sympathise with you. Most organised sport in UK and Ireland is a disaster with regard to developing a love for sport for life.

My daughter is 16 and about to drop competition level tennis as it's no fun anymore. There is no alternative for her. Only option will to be to join in with adult sessions or play with adults. But that's not fun.

School sports is just as bad,

My eldest DC is having this challenge.

Water polo around here is fab. Laid back and fun, very sociable. Might we worth looking into?

Signedupagain - I disagree about Ireland. I find our national sports, Gaelic Football and Hurling, are very inclusive at all ages and abilities. My 14 year olds team has an A, B & C panel at most age groups (With up yo 9 different divisions going on for some age groups) and this continues right into adulthood where there are seriously competitive teams, all the way down to fun teams and even in more recent years teams have been created for “mothers and others” So literally everyone of all abilities is encouraged to play - as sport should be!

Water polo we have talked about. At the minute it's where the boys head to once they hit this issue. His seem to drop out or stay at swimming.

If only we lived in a bigger city, there are definite advantages!
I think the idea of smaller sports is true, I'll have a look around, she has always had a real curiosity about boxercise. I'll look that up again.

Thanks all, it's really quite sad there are so many teens who want to be active and involved but the systems cause a barrier.

Has she done the life-saving qualification? It's a useful skill in itself, and the classes would give a target and focus to keep up her swimming fitness.

Chocca, thanks I keep an eye out for these courses but the age range is a bit odd and for a while the sessions clashed with other stuff. Will be something I try and get her to do though.

Have you considered golf? My DS plays and at his club there are lots of girl golfers and more and more joining. Girls are really encouraged and there are schemes out there to get them involved. It's quite a tricky game and she would need lessons to make sure she starts off correctly. It's so inclusive though and the kids at his club really support each other. Find a club with a good junior set up and where juniors are really encouraged and she'll be away!

When my ds got to the stage in competitive swimming where they wanted 5x a week training and commitement that meant he would have had to stop other activities and his family would have to stop having their own lives he moved to Triathalon. We found it SUCH a different set of attitudes. They were REALLY welcoming and it was all about keeping fit, and how you could improve your technique and times, but you were always only ever 'competing' against yourself. ds was never going to be a triathelete - no-one in our family is a runner - but they were incredibly welcoming and helpful and friendly.

Girls football is another option to look at. There are often not quite enough players for the teams to stay competitive once they get to 14 or so, once one or two drop out, many teams then struggle to get players interested. My dd played through to U18 level and their team were very welcoming of people who had never played before, even though they were a strong side themselves.
Or, my other dd now plays rugby - again a sport that is keen to open their arms to newcomers, and again, a very friendly and welcoming group of people.

I'd love her to play golf, I'd also like my son to play (then I could too ). I'll have a look into it, there is a good club near us.

Interestingly she and a couple of friends are thinking of asking the rugby club to start a girls team, just for training. I'm hoping they follow it up, lots of encouragement from us happening! The 3 friends all have wee brothers playing so are very comfortable at the club so fingers crossed. In the meantime hockey is still ok.
Thanks all, great ideas and I so wish there was underwater hockey near us!!!

Definitely look into non-competitive activities OP.
Circus, aerial, climbing etc all have welcoming social communities.

Or Water polo as a pp suggested is great fun for decent swimmers
Women's/girls rugby is very sociable if she enjoys hockey