16 year old lied about where she was

[whatsleep]

My Dd (16)and her friend (16) both told parents they were sleeping at each other’s houses (that old chestnut). They were not. Turns out they met up with a group of lads, stayed out till midnight with them then camped somewhere (unclear where) and came home early this morning.

This is the kind of thing I would have done at her age to be honest 🙈

What do I do? Struggle to Know how to punish her. She’s grounded for the weekend but I’m more annoyed that she’s lies and she can’t seem to understand that she’s putting herself in a risky situation if we don’t know where she is. She’s not into drink or sex as far as I can tell and just looked tired when she got home this morning. Please be gentle, I’m trying my best but feel I’m loosing all control of her.

Why are you unclear about where she spent the night?

Is she refusing to tell you?

I'd be grounding for more than the weekend to start with.

I know where she camped, she has told me. Sorry should have made that clear.

When we’ve clamped down on her before she’s gone if the rails and disappeared. I worry that if we are too strong with punishments she will run away. I’m really struggling to control her but then wonder if by 16 I shouldn’t be trying to control her?

I work with children for my job, but with my own I feel totally powerless.

I feel your pain...my daughter has stayed out all night on several occasions. It is terrifying and I have had to report her missing to the police. Thankfully this has now stopped ( not happened since before lockdown) though I know she still engages in some slightly risky behaviours she does come home every night. I think we have to pick our battles - it's not easy, especially when they are older than 16. I tend to write down my expectations and consequences ( usually loss of finance) in a sort of contract so she is crystal clear,when making choices, what will happen. Unfortunately, it's a long game with lots of ups and downs. Good luck x

Would you have said yes if she asked you? I would base the discussion around trust and the fact you would rather know where she is and now she is 16 as long as she is somewhere 'safe' (campsite etc) and discusses it with you - she may be allowed to go?

"She's not into drink or sex as far as I can tell ...."

Count yourself lucky for that alone. First of all you can't 'control' a 16 year old. You can be there for her, advise her, but she's turning from child to adult and as you know yourself, these are some of the most confusing and difficult years.

When my daughter was almost 16 she met a boy a few years older. She did actually ask me if she could stay over at his, but I said 'no'. Not because I was trying to stop her from having sex because I knew I couldn't, but because she'd known him for five minutes, from what I knew of him I wasn't that keen tbh, and he still lived at home and I knew absolutely nothing about his parents, home life etc.

I explained to her that once they'd been dating for a while and she'd got to know him and his family better then fine, but it was too soon.

The following weekend she was staying 'at a school friend's' house, only I got accidentally got locked out of our home. Tried to call he to come back with her key (no answer) so on a hunch I drove round to the boyfriend's house and of course, there she was. As I tried to explain to her, it was the lying that pissed me off. She'd asked my opinion, I'd said no and she ignored it anyway, so why ask? Needless to say the relationship didn't last. He turned out to be a right little shit in the end, but that's another story.

Not long after that she accidentally pocket dialled me and I could hear this whole scenario of her and a bunch of friends 'running' away from somewhere and effing and jeffing like navvies. There had been some sort of fight or confrontation, lots of shouting with my dear little daughter at the heart of it, one of the boys was clearly worse for wear and it was obvious they had all been drinking. I could hear the whole thing like it was a radio drama. Made me realise what they got up to.

She is now a 25 year old Science teacher in a secondary school, having gone through college, degree, teacher training etc. She has a steady boyfriend who has his own business and she is truly delightful daughter, in every respect.

Yes she could be a worry and a pain in the arse when she was 16 (my son was even worse!), but it's par for the course.

As Judge Judy says "you know when a teenager is lying because their lips are moving."

Do you really believe the boys went home at midnight and they didn't spend the night with them?

Thanks @beryltheperil123 I’m just finding it so hard. We have had the police out before too as we panicked when she didn’t come home after running out after an argument. This has not happened for a long time. She often pushes the boundaries but I feel that’s just part of her growing up and wanting to make her own decisions. It’s never anything drastic but last night has worried me.

Things have calmed, she’s told me the details of last night (I struggled not to laugh at some of it) she’s showed me photos that she took do I can see the lads are lads and not men, I can see where they ‘camped’ etc. We’ve talked about trust and how important it is for us to know where she is and to help her make the right choices sometimes. It seems that they were lucky last night and have come home with nothing more than a bit of tiredness.

Yes I do believe the boys went home, no sign of them on photos. Did laugh at the photo of them cleaning their teeth.... they thought if everything!

I'm not sure theres much you can do tbh without making the situation worse. Encourage her to be honest with you and explain why you're worried. If I'd been grounded at that age I'd have gone out anyway and probably not returned for weeks.

@Kazakaren that’s exactly why Iv Only grounded her for the weekend! That’s pretty much the conversation we’ve just had. We seem to be calm.... for now

I’ve taken on board all your advice and yes I agree it’s about bring there and advising her and encouraging her to be honest. I have to accept I can’t control her when she makes the wrong decision. Thankyou

@fannyFernackerpan that is so funny about pocket dial did you tell her at the time.

@whatsleep glad you and your dd talked it through but teenagers will lie to get to do what,they want. I think they actually get more excitement from it if they know mum would never let me do this.
I have had a few lies blow up in my dd face and I'm sure I will have plenty more to come

I would not punish at all in this situation, but I would have a very serious conversation about trust, safety etc.

You can't control kids at this age. You have to appeal to reason, and to their better nature.

Was this just so they could stay out with the boys later then you would have let them stay out? If so then the reality of actually having to camp outside for the night, cold and uncomfortable and on their own will hopefully make them realise that it wasn’t worth it. Or were they expecting the boys to stay out with them?

I think as others have said they need to realise that they were lucky on this occasion and nothing untoward happened but that might not be the case if they were ever to repeat it. And hopefully, in hindsight, they have come to the conclusion that it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be!

@Rollergirl11 yes I think the stark reality of sleeping outside,not in a cosy tent, was A bit of an eye opener for them. Dd has been pretty honest and said it was just because she wanted to stay out later. She said she didn’t ask as she knew I’d say no. Which is probably true to be fair but now we’ve both taken a look at what is more realistic and come to an agreement that we will try and reach a middle ground. I’ve always been honest with her, explaining that I’ve never patented a teenager before so I’m learning as I go along too! The advice on here has been invaluable, it’s helped me to accept I have to let her make her own mistakes but also not to try and control her. Not sure how I’m going to get on but I can but try!!!!

Parented not patented

Could you try and support her, tell her next time she wants to do it you'll be there for her, tell her you'll pick her up if needed or let her camp out, but she needs to fully engage with you as to where she is. Sometimes it's better to be aware of what's going on even if you don't agree with it, rather than have her lying to you. At least his way you'll know where she is and she's more likely to talk to you if she's not thinking she'll get in trouble.

I left home at 17 because I didn't get on with my parents, it would have been a very different story if I was able to confide in them

@LilyLongJohn it’s a parents biggest fear isn’t it, having a poor relationship and your child being so miserable that they leave at a young age.