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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Is this just what teenage boys are like nowadays?

21 replies

Rollergirl11 · 11/09/2020 09:41

DD (14) has just gone in to Year 10. She used to have quite a lot of friends that were boys in Years 7 and 8 but throughout the course of Year 9 they have all slowly become horrible, sneering, offensive little shits. DD says that individually and singularly she knows that they are still nice boys deep down but that collectively they have turned in to really unpleasant personalities. They express deeply sexist and misogynistic views on women, objectifying then based on their looks. They constantly make homophobic and racist comments. They are condescending and patronising of anything that falls outside of their incredibly narrow set of interests/past times/music tastes. All bad behaviour is just passed off as “lads will be lads”. DD is despairing. She misses having male friendships but can’t stand the way these boys behave. Is this something that 14/15 year olds grow out of? Or does DD’s school year unfortunately have a high proportion of twats in it? I’d just like to add that DD goes to a high achieving very strict Roman Catholic school so it’s not a failing on the schools part.
DD is 14 and she says it’s just an accepted thing now that boys will ask for nudes on Snapchat. It really concerns me what kind of a world our youngsters are growing up in and that boys already at such a young age hold such disdain for women.

OP posts:
MellowMelly · 11/09/2020 10:03

My daughter at 14 was coming home saying the same about boys. They aren’t all the same luckily but yes she found it a difficult time and cut off several male friends due to their attitudes. They do seem to calm down eventually. A couple of the boys she still speaks to now have inevitably calmed down due to age and the changing of friendship circles.
But I did notice that some of her female friends can be almost, if not the same, in some of their behaviours but they go about it differently if that makes sense.

KeepSmiling89 · 11/09/2020 10:11

Hi OP
Your post reminds me of a scene in Grease where Danny and Sandy meet again at the pep rally and he just changes personality because he's around his t-bird friends.
It's unfortunate but its true, peer pressure and pressure to conform to a stereotype 'look at me, I'm a big guy' personality is very real. Hopefully these boys will grow out of this phase when they're older but teenage years are tough and peer pressure is a real thing. Guys don't want to look 'weak' by being nice and decent because they fear being picked on themselves so they put on the 'tough' persona.

JoanJosephJim · 11/09/2020 10:28

They constantly make homophobic and racist comments if she feels comfortable enough she could report this to a teacher, if not you could email they head of year. It is hate speech and needs to be stopped.

They do say year 9 is the worst year group due to hormones, fall outs, boys getting more bolshy etc. Ds2 has just gone into year 10, he is lovely and his group of friends are lovely too. They don't even swear! I can hear them through Ds's headphones when they game and it is all collaborative. So no, not all 14 year olds are arseholes but those that are need to be told right now that their behaviour is unacceptable. I am sure school will take a very firm stance on hate speech.

HasaDigaEebowai · 11/09/2020 10:32

DS1 is in year 11 and yes there are a very high proportion of awful but "popular" boys. They are racist, homophobic, sexist bullies and just downright nasty to anyone who is not in the "in crowd".

I find it really sad since I've known a lot of these kids since they were 4.

HasaDigaEebowai · 11/09/2020 10:33

DS 1 is not in the popular crowd. He's fortunately got good strength of character and rises above it but some of his friends are bullied horribly.

PlateTectonics · 11/09/2020 10:40

I've got a DS in year 10 and I don't recognise the behaviour you describe in him or his friends. Maybe they're different with no adult present but I honestly find it hard to picture. He's a fairly quiet lad so maybe not representative of the norm - but he plays football too, he's just a normal teen really.

TeeBee · 11/09/2020 10:40

Both my 15 year-old and 17-year old DSs hang out in large mixed-sex groups. They are all often at my house so I regularly witness how they interact with one-another and I can't say I have witnessed sexism or racist (and trust me, if it came out of the mouth of one of mine, they'd get an absolute gob full from me). I think the boys can get a little ego/testosterone-heavy but they are quite often slapped back down by someone in the group...and they self-regulate their daft opinions. They are really funny, I've heard one of them say 'God, we can be ridiculous, can't we?'. I love the self-awareness :-D If my DS gets a bit opinionated, his girlfriend responds with 'I believe that's your opinion, not a fact'. I like her very much :-D Not all teenage boys are little shits; maybe she got in with a bad crowd.

TheMarzipanDildo · 11/09/2020 10:46

I was in school not long ago. This was definitely the case. I have no idea what the answer is, but it used to make me feel very depressed about the future. I think most calm down by adulthood, but not all as recent leaked group chats have revealed...

TheMarzipanDildo · 11/09/2020 10:48

“I've got a DS in year 10 and I don't recognise the behaviour you describe in him or his friends. Maybe they're different with no adult present but I honestly find it hard to picture.”

It’s definitely not all teenage boys, but there are certainly enough like the OP describes to make their presence felt.

WhatHaveIFound · 11/09/2020 10:59

That not all teenage boys and I don't recognise any of those traits in my DS. Whilst he doesn't hang around in mixed sex groups there's no misogynistic behaviour.

I would encourage your DD to report the homophobic/racist comments (maybe call them out on it if she feels confident enough) as my own DD was on the receiving end of many such comments and it had a massive impact on her mental health.

Rollergirl11 · 11/09/2020 11:23

Yes it is the “popular” group of boys that are like this. DD used to be friends with many of them but she can’t stand them now. I know a fair few of them too and know the families and I know that their parents would not have a clue that they behave like this.

The sad fact is that lots of girls in the year are so desperate to still be friends with them because they are “popular” that they accept the bad attitude, despite the boys constantly mocking them and bullying them and putting them down. They have become really superficial, preening and obsessed with how they look, constantly looking for validation from the boys. DD refuses to get drawn in to this and as a result I think the boys find her aloof and think she thinks she’s superior to them.

With regards to reporting the homophobic/racist comments, it happens far too frequently to be able to do so. An example of homophobic comments is that anything negative is referred to as “that’s so gay”. It’s just become standard speech. It’s kind of ironic because statistically it stands to reason that some of those lads may well be (now or in the future) gay. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

DD just gets sad about it all and is just waiting for then to all grow up.

OP posts:
Andi2020 · 11/09/2020 19:16

@Rollergirl11 I really hate that comment that's so gay and it even comes out of older teenagers who should know better.
Its even worse seeing it written under a social media post.

Mrslafayette · 11/09/2020 19:18

My daughter has just gone into year 8 and has said how the boys are all idiots, calling everyone gay as an insult and just generally being really horrible.

FifteenToes · 12/09/2020 14:19

Not sure about "nowadays". It's pretty much how a lot of teenage boys have always been.

FifteenToes · 12/09/2020 14:23

I’d just like to add that DD goes to a high achieving very strict Roman Catholic school so it’s not a failing on the schools part.

That doesn't follow. "High achieving" environments can actually stimulate these kinds of attitudes because they communicate a strong awareness of status and pecking order, and children then naturally imitate that in how they establish their own. Including using any minority characteristics of race, sexuality etc. as a way of putting people down.

And of course religion is at the very root of homophobia.

solittletime · 22/09/2020 06:46

Don’t underestimate the insidious influence of social media. It goes under the radar but really exacerbates what are probably natural tendencies for teenagers. However instead correcting and leading in a better direction it gives scope to affirm.
Just do a bit of a google search on ‘no simp’ September to get an idea of what goes on!!

Kaiserin · 22/09/2020 07:41

Have teenage boys ever behaved differently?
I remember 25 years ago remarking to my mum how strange it was that they could be perfectly lovely and decent individuals when taken individually, then turned into a bunch of animals when in groups.
I don't think the behaviours are OK (they should be challenged), but I don't believe they're new (which makes the lack of challenge even more unacceptable: everyone should be aware teenage boys act beastly as groups, and be ready to discourage these behaviours. That's how boys get turned into decent men: by not turning a blind eye to their excesses, and setting high expectations instead)

As for it not being the school's fault... Should we actually be that surprised that sexism and homophobia are rife in a Roman Catholic school? I'm rather fond of that Jesus lad, but his fan boys usually aren't beacons of enlightenment when it comes to matters of sex...

Rollergirl11 · 24/09/2020 12:09

@solittletime I asked DD about this and she said while she hadn’t heard of No Simp September, that using the term “simp” as an insult to a boy that merely demonstrates a healthy respect to females is standard. Boys that are friendly with girls are called simps or gay or pussywhipped. It’s just vile.

@FifteenToes and @Kaiserin oh I know boys have always had this kind of pack mentality and are nice individually but awful in groups. But it’s just the sheer amount of misogynistic attitudes that these boys display that I find deeply sad and concerning. Social Media has a lot to answer for and I really do worry about my daughter growing up and having to navigate relationships and sex with young men that have very warped ideas on what is acceptable.

OP posts:
Strawberry33 · 04/10/2020 17:13

One of my sons is a bit like this. I spoke to a therapist I work with. Firstly he had an awful experience of feminism gone mad that the school really messed up the handling of. My son is very shy and small. He attracts attention because he doesn’t fit then norm. a girl slightly older but much bigger beat him up and filmed it end of year 8, and he punched her back square in the face (and she totally deserved it imo!). He then had to run into a dominoes pizza shop to call for help as he was now lost. When he went into school everybody was calling him a woman beater, etc etc and he was put into isolation. The girl didn’t have anything happen to her apparently as she didn’t turn up to detention and the school said she was punished but son says not. Either way he hates attention and everyone was vile to him for in his eyes being a boy. Unfortunately he didn’t tell me how much this affected his view of women until this year. I spoke to the therapist and she said that boys often rebel by having diffferent political opinions to their parents.. back in the days it was punk music and clothes but there’s less to rebel against now in that respect- I do t know parents who are bothered about those those things anymore. So this is a way of kids detaching and carving a separate identity to their parents. He also likes to wind me up a little.. now I just laugh when he says farage is a nice man and that he’s a Tory 😂 and say ok 👍

fuschia2000 · 12/10/2020 15:10

Not all boys are like this my ds is 14 nearly 15 and he very into equality, animal rights, human rights etc.... please keep believing in goodness and track down beautiful people ❤

WhatWouldJKRDo · 12/10/2020 15:20

My DD is the same age and yes, comes home with plenty of tales about the "popular boys" behaving like this. She was friends with plenty of them before but now can't be doing with the way they behave.

Her older brothers were definitely uncool, and they back her up - the popular lads at 14-16 were sexist homophobes with an overinflated sense of self worth.
By 6th form it had improved.

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