twins started at different 6th forms, one not happy

[ArchieOwl]

Twins are very close, share bedroom, spend lots of time there watching programmes together. Both studying same science subjects. They are introverts and only have 1 joint friend from primary school. Who they only see every couple of months. They get on well with adults but are shy. Repeated comment at parents eve about both was " you need to speak up you have interesting things to say"

Twin 1 stayed on at school single ed 6th form. Twin 2 decided to go to large co-ed 6th form also attached to a school. She liked it as soon as she walked through the door. She has been attending for a week and says she is not sure it was right choice and wants to go back to the school 6th form. When she left her old school said they would be happy to take her back. We went back today to talk to them, as she has not been sleeping well. They said it was fine to come back.

Emailed new co-ed 6th form to say she is thinking of leaving and they said talk about it with her over the weekend. Also said if she wanted to come in on Monday and talk to head of year 12 after school that might help.

My gut feeling is that twins are delaying the stress of learning to operate independently of one another. Am worried about them becoming a bit co-dependent. Also worried that caved in too early and didn't say give it a bit longer.

This starting at different 6th forms felt like a natural moving away from each other, with the bonus of coming home to spend time with each other every night. Also it was instigated by her.

Have said "do what you think is best" but feel unsettled. On way to her old school today she said "This is making me happy short term but could be making problems long term"

Anyone know of anyone she could talk too? Or any books (other than "Quiet Power") that could help them get techniques for talking to their peers, speaking up and not hiding behind books? I am aware being an introvert can be a positive thing, but feel they need some guidance, as do I.

I don't know of any books I'm afraid, but I do know what it's like to have same sex twins at different secondary schools.

It's a long story, but when they started different schools in year 7, I was wracked with guilt over them not being together.

It's been really good for them and definitely promoted individuality and independence.

Ultimately, they will need to separate at some point. This is healthy and key to their growth and self esteem I think.

But I appreciate that with twins it can be a complex mix and totally different to other siblings.

Not sure what it's called now, but have you tried contacting TAMBA. The subject of identity and confidence must have arisen a number of times.

Good luck. I hope there is a positive resolution.

I’d let her go back to her old school.

Yes she has to be independent one day, but it does n’t have to be now. She’ll develop independence naturally over a period of time.

Do not keep them apart for what some see as their own good.

I remember the identical twin girls at my high school who only ever spoke to each other or to one other joint friend. If anyone else spoke to them the friend would answer for them, or they would shrug/nod/shake head etc. It did seem quite unhealthy at age 16/17 and I don't know what happened to them after we left school. Having said that, you could still encourage a more gradual separation - maybe they could sign up for different hobbies/clubs and have an evening each week apart and make separate friends that way?

I think it is far too early for her to be making such a big decision. However I do understand your concern, I would hate my child to be unhappy.

Do talk to her about it in a relaxed fashion over the weekend, not involving her sister in the chat. Life is full of challenges and later on she might regret giving up so soon when she has to face new situations; staying will build up her confidence, etc, and in time she may make friends.

It is a pity the two girls have been so much in each other's pockets but that can't be undone.

The sister who stayed at her old school may start making friends too, there are bound to be new people in the sixth form.

Just build her up and hope for the best.

Good luck to you all.

I speak as an identical twin myself so feel I can be a blunt. For goodness sake support them in being independent of one another! My sister and I attended the same 6th form (literally the only one in our area) but went our separate ways at Uni level, best thing we ever did. I worked in Uni admin for a while and was horrified by the twins that would arrive at the same uni studying the same subject and living together. It's just so sad, it prevents them making friends, growing in confidence and living fulfilling lives. Do you want them living together in old age in identical clothes and holding hands going to the shops?